Bereavement Support Group
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My doctor discharged me for good recently because of the budget cuts.But he gave me a message....he told me to please move on.Can anyone tell me what moving on really means? I have been in mourning for 5 years and i still miss Brad.Brad and I were falling apart..but sometimes we really got along.I miss him and I miss his jokes and wisdom.Tonight is a very special night for me.You see tonight I will be singing at Open Mic...the first time in 5 years.I am doing 3 things.I am doing 2 songs.The first song that I am doing is the Little White Cloud that Cried by Johhny Ray....The 2nd song will be Its My Party...which will be a tribute to the late Leslie Gore and the 3 one will be a spoken word.I wrote a poem about my father in 1987 and never shared it with anyone.I am sharing it with strangers tonight.The doctor wished me luck and told me to move on and realize this that in his own way...Brad did love me and I cannot hold on to himanymore.I have to do what i came to Seattle to do and that is to sing and write poetry.This is a big step for me and I am at the library typing this for Daily Strength and to all of its wonderful people and friends that i have made over the friends and i intend to write everyday and try to life people up.Grief is a sob emotion..But I must release Brad and remember all of the good times and not the bad.Brad is in a better place and I must let him go.as i realize I cannot hold on to himanymore.Please tell me what the doctor meant Am I doing the right thing? What does a person do after the mourning is over///////Please advise me.vader and thanks .
First off, you never get over someone, but you get through it with doing things that honor the person and the memories good and bad don't hurt like it just happened for years and years. I went through this with the loss of my own brother for several years too until I got the help I needed. There is no shame in asking for and getting help. Nobody should go on this journey alone and that is why it is good to ask for help.
Doing things and getting back into living your life helps you move on without forgetting your loved one(s). It is good you are singing. However, the songs you are choosing to sing are a bit.....welll......not good. I played "The Little White Cloud That Cried" by Johnny Ray on the piano.....very depressing and ironically....he committed suicide.
Also, Leslie Gore's, "It's My Party" is another depressing song about loss. She sang other songs that were much more uplifting such as "Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" which is just as honoring to her. Find more uplifting songs to sing that bring you peace, love, and power instead of doom and gloom....it will lift you up as well as your audience....and you won't feel so helpless :)
You have a chance every day to start over and yet still hold the memories in your heart of Brad. It's ok to have good AND bad memories of our loved ones, but to go over and over them and ask why or what YOU could have done different will only drive you crazy. The truth is, you could NOT do anything different. Brad made the choice and he alone. Sometimes there are no answers which is frustrating and will only be answered when we get to the other side.
You have soooo much to live for and so much to offer this world. Don't throw that opportunity away to rehash Brads decision to take his own life.
Nobody has all the answers and ppl are just human and don't always give an appropriate response to our loved ones passing or other things.....we weren't all raised the same. Some ppl have never had death or a response explained to them.....they stumble to find the right words and actions in such a horrible situation.
Filling your time volunteering at an animal shelter, or homeless shelter might give you a boost and some sort of purpose in life....it's a win win situation. Sometimes just playing cards or coloring in a children's coloring book with a child or elderly person can be so rewarding and yet so simple. Time is the most precious thing to give to another person :)
If you are finding it too difficult to move on and the pain is as fresh as the day Brad died, find a good grief counselor and work on letting go of the INTENSE pain. It takes work and it might take a few counselors before you find a good match and work through the grief, but it is worth it to take back your life and make something of it. Think of yourself as a Phoenix bird. They rise from ashes and become strong and beautiful.
Life is and can be good again. We can miss our loved ones and think of them, but we can not change their leaving us....it is part of the circle of life.
I don't mean to sound cold and uncaring....I just see that it has been hard for you to rejoin life....stuck....and it is so sad.
I wish for you peace and a better life for yourself.
It is good that you got a new place to live....it's a chance to start over.
Now go out and sing something positive.....how bout.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjdOFxCyz9I
Moving on is bullsh**. Which idea are we supposed to believe, the one where "I love you" means forever, or the one where "I love you as long as you're around?" Can we be honest, for just one minute here?
I'm one the one ones who thinks "love you" is forever. I happen to love people who are dead. It makes things a bit tricky.
I think the idea here is finding a way to still love someone who's dead. To figure out how to handle the pain of their actual passing as well as the perpetual pain of missing them. After listening to therapists and other grievers for years, I gotta say, no one seems to know a tried and true method for how to achieve this. The bottom line is, it's bumpy road.
Vader, all I see you doing is trying different things, to see which might be the best fit. You have the goal in mind, how to manage your grief, and you'll get there. Every time you want to try something else, I'll read it. I'll be here. I'll cheer you on. You're trying to figure it out and anyone that wants to criticize how you're doing it, or how well, can bite it.
You don't move ON, you move THROUGH. It will always be a part of you Vader, you can find a way to do this. You had the ability to love someone once so much that you're now grieving their loss. Use that. That same part of you that loved him, use it to love you. If you don't figure it out today or tomorrow, it's okay. Just know that someday, someday, you'll find peace.
One more thing, if my words don't magically make you all better and you still feel sad and want to talk about it, I won't shove you into 'MOVING ON' because I'm frustrated. Grieving isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.
Hugs, lotsa lotsa hugs,
Peri
It sounds like you're doing this... moving through... singing again, sharing parts of yourself you're ok now with sharing which shows personal growth. There may be certain days or places you want to always set aside to celebrate Brad and that's ok. Everyone we love leaves a piece of themselves in us where they've helped us grow... Some more than others...
It sounds like the doctor you're seeing may have some issues beyond what he/she's saying and maybe he/she's getting burned out in the job. It sounds like you're on your way in working through your grief in a positive manner. The suggestion made of possibly volunteering somewhere (maybe somewhere to help other artists who sing or write poetry) may be a good idea if it's something you'd be interested in. It may be a way to share the love you had for Brad with other people who may be short on feeling the love of others.
I truly believe we all learn from each others difficulties and struggles and it makes us better, more humble and caring people.
It sounds like you've come a long way and sometimes it's hard to see how far you've come until the road is a bit longer behind you.
((hugs))