Bereavement Support Group
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Its 1am and I cant sleep. Theres just too much on my mind.Im not sure if this belongs in this section but has to do with death, so Im going for it.
At the end of May, I lost a special man, my stepdad, in my life from nasty cancer. He had a very rare form of lymphoma, which his doctors didnt even know that it had existed. But he and my mom were married for almost 18 years and they were very happy. I always wanted that in a relationship. Had many relationships in my time and I havent been in one for almost 4 years. I was diagnosed with cancer at 29 and my boyfriend of 3 years left me after having my surgery. As horrible as that was, Im over it. His loss, not mine. But after losing my stepdad, I feel like I dont want to get that close to anyone again. I dont want to feel the pain that my mom is going through. Losing the love of her life, her soulmate. My mom told me earlier, after telling her about not wanting to risk being in pain from losing someone because I Dont know if I could handle it, that I cant do that to myself. To feel the love that my stepdad had for my mom and how she feels about him. She said she wouldnt trade that for anything.
I know Im still grieving over the loss of my stepdad and I know I am having survivors guilt. Two days before my last chemo, I lost my Grandma to complications of pancreatic cancer, and now my stepdad. When will this pain end???
At the end of May, I lost a special man, my stepdad, in my life from nasty cancer. He had a very rare form of lymphoma, which his doctors didnt even know that it had existed. But he and my mom were married for almost 18 years and they were very happy. I always wanted that in a relationship. Had many relationships in my time and I havent been in one for almost 4 years. I was diagnosed with cancer at 29 and my boyfriend of 3 years left me after having my surgery. As horrible as that was, Im over it. His loss, not mine. But after losing my stepdad, I feel like I dont want to get that close to anyone again. I dont want to feel the pain that my mom is going through. Losing the love of her life, her soulmate. My mom told me earlier, after telling her about not wanting to risk being in pain from losing someone because I Dont know if I could handle it, that I cant do that to myself. To feel the love that my stepdad had for my mom and how she feels about him. She said she wouldnt trade that for anything.
I know Im still grieving over the loss of my stepdad and I know I am having survivors guilt. Two days before my last chemo, I lost my Grandma to complications of pancreatic cancer, and now my stepdad. When will this pain end???
I think it has to do with how well we knew the person and how much we admired them.
Age is also a factor. It was much easier for me to deal with the death of my grand parents than that of my parents.
For me, a big comfort is knowing that my father (my most recent loss, and the biggest one in terms of how it hit me) would want me to live a full life and not let his passing dominate my feelings.
Still working on that, but it has only been about 10 weeks now.
Sorry to ramble on, but I think that you will always feel a loss, but in time you will come to accept it.
In your case, it sounds like not only did you lose a wonderful person, but you also lost a symbol of something you crave: a lasting loving relationship.
I am sorry for your loss. I do hope that you find the comfort you seek both here online and with family and friends in real life.
Gentle hugs
I'm sorry for your and your mom's grievous loss. That's quite a blow. Fucking cancer SUXXX!!! My beloved brother succumbed to it after years of abusing himself as a truck driver with sleep deprivation and sucking down Super Big Gulps of Coke to keep himself awake (cancer loves sugar), which I think had a lot to do with it. My brother too had a neuro-endocrine tumor in his colon that was so rare it's now being written about in medical journals.
The pain is the pain of separation. The only way to combat this pain is in love, clinging to our loved ones who are still here (you and your mom stick together and talk!) and forming NEW loving bonds with new people, new FRIENDSHIPS. I would only form FRIENDSHIPS. DO NOT attempt to fill this void and kill this pain through dating and sexual/romantic relationships. If you're anything like me, you're in a very raw, fragile, forlorn place right now, a sexual/romantic entanglement has its own set of demands, and will only aggravate your pain and torment. Just TALK with people, gradually open up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyNky0IqX28
This video is from 2002, and I believe my brother is actually driving a truck in it, so this will SHOW you what I'm talking about! Enjoy!
Please do not worry about this being the right place or not. Kind-hearted folks won't mind - wherever you post.
So sorry for your loss. The pain will not end. We lose people close to us - all the time. I lost my son - over 15 years ago - and - although it gets easier to bear - as time goes by - the pain never really does go away.
A question for you - if I may?
Would you rather have never met your step-dad, or your grandma - rather than go through the pain you are going through?
Somehow, I do not think so.
We grow close to people we love ... and that is a special gift that we share - between parents, grandparents, lovers and children. The love that we share, and the love that grows - is priceless.
I know - everyone, eventually dies. I would not want to remain alone my entire life, so that others may not feel the pain, when I pass (not that I am in a hurry) ... still ... I am glad for the bonds we form.
Meantime - I am not here to judge - but rather - to support and to offer kind caring and hope. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Wishing you well, in all things.