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My mom died back in March. My younger sister and I took care of all the planning of the funeral. I paid for the funeral (20K) and my sister is slowly paying me back her share. Our older brother refused to help in any way. All texts and phone calls went unanswered.
COVID quarantine/lockdowns were then put in place, so we had to wait several months to have a headstone put at her burial site. When businesses started opening up again, we asked our brother to arrange the headstone. He didn't have to pay for anything if he didn't have the money, just to speak with the cemetery sales rep to get quotes and get designs. Nothing. Silence. So my sister and I took care of that too. We arranged and paid for it.
I called the credit card company to close her account. So the last thing to be done is to close her bank account to turn it into an estate account. We asked our brother to do that. We needed someone to have a notary designate them as executor of the estate, so that we can close her account. At first he agreed, but it has been two months, and he has done nothing. Again texts and phone calls go unanswered. We have found a notary (a family friend) and I will be the one to arrange this too.
We are getting upset because he does not want to help in any way. And he claims to have loved her so much. He is part of a Christian church group, where he is always preaching about being a good Christian, helping others, and how God gives you strength. But he won't do anything for his own mom.
It's not like he didn't have a good relationship with our mom, in fact he was the "favourite". Out of the three siblings, she gave him the most help. She took care of his kids all day, every day, for years and years. She cooked for his student tenants (he and his wife have student tenants in the basement apartment of their duplex). She defended everything he did.
Over the years I have helped him too. I have given him more than 20K to get him out of debt. The thanks I get? He asked me for another 10K (which he didn't get).
My question is, would you be upset at his behaviour if you were in our shoes? I know that there is no law that says a child must pay for their parents' funeral. But the fact that he won't help in any way? Not even to call a credit card company to close an account. We lost our mom too...we are hurting too. But we still get things done.
what do you think?
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
I cared for my folks when they were ill and my brother did absolutely zip..... A close friend is going through this now
Unfortunately I think this happens far too often.... my brother and I have now been estranged for over a decade because it ended up a couple of big fights and I really wish that hadn't happened however I've let the past lie now
You have to decide what's right for you and what boundaries that you need
I think that this happens a lot unfortunately..... I am sorry for your loss...... Big hug of comfort and support.....xo
That- I think- was one of the most important things my siblings and I did when we lost our mom. Normal conversations and "how are you doing emotionally?" conversations.
Sometimes one of us would just text the other 2 with "I'm so sad today"
Personally I couldn't even talk about how I was feeling at first- the feelings were too overwhelming and powerful but it helped anyway.
I'm not defending your brother- not doing anything he's asked and becoming non-responsive while siblings handle all the work that having a parent die entails is lousy. I'm just coming from my own experience and what I think helped my siblings and I navigate it- we remained very aware that there wasn't just a logistical process that each of us was going through after loosing our mom- there was a grief process too.
Just my thoughts. I'm sorry for your loss *hugs*
First to say is how sorry I am that you are experiencing grief and disappointment at the same time. It is unfair, to say the least. This may not seem the appropriate advice to you, because of the circumstances, but you have more issues than just the passing of your mom going on with your brother/sister relationship. In other words, understanding and communication are not your strong points when it comes to matters of the heart. And I agree with Suncloud that words may be exchanged that may further push you two in the wrong emotional direction, that is if you decide to pursue getting your brother to do things he's not yet ready to do. And I personally have personal knowledge of what matters to each of you, so I'm trying to be fair and objective.
Think of it this way, All or you are going where you've never been thinking before, and this is important to settling your mom's estate. No person is responsible for giving close attention to any purposes of which are equally unknown and unfamiliar as to what to do; you have that right. And your brother's contributions may be lacking in courage because he was closest to your mother. Men are not always open with unfamiliar feelings covered over by pain and fear, again, this is unknown areas, and the quest for loyalty, truth, and commitment is frightening for each of you. Please consider giving him time to appropriately choose on his own what he is able to do or not do.
As with the wise words of APieceOfMyHeart, above, take time to consider asking more about how your brother and his family are taking the passing of your mother. At the moment your recall is based way too much on what he is not contributing and not so much on how he is coping with his own right to grieve her. This is touching him in private ways, same as with you and your sister. However, back-and-forth dialogue should leave each of you with the right to back-off a plan or move ahead without consequently feeling that you've let the other person down. You have to keep in mind the idea that you are willing to see the other one's point of view, with love and deep consideration of feelings and deep respect to shared emotional grief. Your mom would want these challenging arrangements to happen in a peaceful way.
The best is to get together now and speak persuasively, without lots of feelings and anger behind your words. You each need and deserve respect as you search through options and reach clarity about what else is left to do to closeout your dear mom's estate in a respectful and practical way.
Best always and tight hugs today. I do understand how difficult this time is. I hope for you all great emotional strength.
If what you tell about his is true, your brother has always been irresponsible, selfish and a user. Why do you think things would change just because your mother and his, past away?
It would be far better that you and your sister continue to honor your mother by properly attending to her estate. I think you will find closure in that, knowing that you cared for your mother as she cared for you as a child. The actions your brother takes is none of your affair.
And definitely deduct his share of the funeral expenses from his portion of the estate.