The pain of Brads suicide is still hurting me and it is getting so intensive.Now a great deal of people are saying things to me and some of it is hateful.;One of my friends told me that Brad deserted me and i am better off without him and this simply isnt true.Noone knows why people kill themselves.If they knew,the suicide rate would be zero.And if i could have prevented it..I would have.I have decided and i decided it today that I would celebrate Thanksgiving.Since I cant afford a turkey,I am getting a fryer chicken with potatoes and I am also getting strawberry rhubarb pie and this pie is my favorite.I intend on Thanksgiving to do something that i never done in my life.I am getting a white balloon and at 12 0 clock I am going to release it.On the balloon will be a note for Brad and then I will be able to cry.You see,last Thanksgiving i was invited out and noone knew what to say to me.They all sat around like a bump on a log and they were extremely quiet.Noone said nothing and i felt ashamed.I cant let this feeling to continue.Noone there talked about Brad.It was like he didnt exist.Noone sent me a card or told me they were sorry...they just sat and looked at me as if it was my fault.What happened to Brad was not my fault.Brad choose to end his life.He was miserable and I know in my heart that Brad has found peace something that he never had in life and before he died...Brad told me that he was a hopeless alcoholic and he drank alcohol to deaden the pain.He didnt like any of his jobs either and he didnt talk to any of the people on the job.Recently,i ran into one of Brads supervisors and he told me that he was shocked at his death.He told me that Brad was depressed for quite some time and people noticed it on the job.And i told him thank you for nothing."I didnt want to get involved," he told me and I told him.this ..Since when is driving a depressed person to an emergency room and leaving him there getting involved? Why do people think that suicide happens to other people and not them? How come every time there is a tragedy of a high caliber...these people are on Oprah whining? And why is she so concerned she has got millions? I am not a fan of Oprah or any of the talk show hosts.My favortive talk show host was popular in the 1960s and his name was David Susskind.Open End was terrific.However,the talk shows today are trash and i think that Oprahs popularity reflects that.She always has on all of these movie stars who on these silly diets and i have to hear about these silly receipes.I dont cook anymore and i think that some of these natural stuff stink and i hate vegetables also.Brad loved meat and he loved soup and he loved pizza.He loved so much and it is my fault in a way that he is gone.Brad did not celebrate holidays nor did he celebrate birthdays and this is wrong.I celebrate my birthday every year and i cant wait until 2012 when I will turn 65 and then i can go to college in seattle.When you are 65,the courses are free.Brads death has made me realize this...and maybe all of you will disagree.But when a tragedy strikes and it concerns you.....friends disappear.They leave.Some of them dont even acknowledge the death.And some of these people want to talk about happy talk.What is happy talk? Please do not talk to me about this Postive Thinking.Brad had several books on the subject.He did not cry and held it in and when something happened..he would say'''dont talk about it...I have to be postive." If being postive means that you cant acknowledge the fact that the tragedy will take months or years to get over....you to me are a hyprocrite.And I have had my share of them.Thanksgiving will give me the day to release some of this anger and some of this doubt.And i am so grateful that I live in America and I am grateful that i am not and will never be on Oprah.