Bereavement Support Group
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Hello all, I'm the one with the boyfriend that lost his 22 year old son in November. It's been so up and down with him the past few months. Broken dates, sporadic phone calls, seeing eachother maybe twice a month. We were together all the time before his death.
I finally had to say something this morning. He forgot it was Valentines day, and headed out with his buddies to go work on a garage. I didn't bring up Valentines day, and that wasn't even the point. He promised he would come over and help me with my washer today. He forgot. He asked if he could see me this week on my day off, this has become common now, breaking a date and rescheduling. And I always accommodate him until now.
I had a talk with him, told him I am not angry, that I have no clue how much he is hurting.. I did tell him I cannot sit back and wonder if we are going out or when I will see him again, and that maybe he needs time from the relationship until he can process his son's death. I told him that I have no idea when I should or shouldn't call, and when he needs to be alone. He told me not to give him too much space, and that he knows he hasn't' been the same with me.
Did I do the right thing? He seemed hurt that I was backing off, but it's not fair to me to be the last on his priority list either. I was not nasty to him, I stated how I felt and didn't tell him it was over, just that we need space. I love him so much and wish I could take his pain away. Please understand my point of view. Its painful to lose someone but also painful to be pushed away.
I finally had to say something this morning. He forgot it was Valentines day, and headed out with his buddies to go work on a garage. I didn't bring up Valentines day, and that wasn't even the point. He promised he would come over and help me with my washer today. He forgot. He asked if he could see me this week on my day off, this has become common now, breaking a date and rescheduling. And I always accommodate him until now.
I had a talk with him, told him I am not angry, that I have no clue how much he is hurting.. I did tell him I cannot sit back and wonder if we are going out or when I will see him again, and that maybe he needs time from the relationship until he can process his son's death. I told him that I have no idea when I should or shouldn't call, and when he needs to be alone. He told me not to give him too much space, and that he knows he hasn't' been the same with me.
Did I do the right thing? He seemed hurt that I was backing off, but it's not fair to me to be the last on his priority list either. I was not nasty to him, I stated how I felt and didn't tell him it was over, just that we need space. I love him so much and wish I could take his pain away. Please understand my point of view. Its painful to lose someone but also painful to be pushed away.
It sounds like you did the right thing. I hesitated to use those words; there are very few "right words" and "wrong words" in a relationship. You expressed your feelings, and it sounds like you did it in a a calm but honest and assertive way.
He may need some structure. Perhaps a weekly lunch or dinner? Something set so that he can plan on it, and plan around it.
I'm just grasping right now. I'll think some more. We have more guys here, what do you all think?
I held it back for a while, his reaction was better than I expected. I didn't want to make him angry, considering he lost his only son. He told me that he knows he needs to "get himself together". I don't want to lose him but it's hard being a "telephone" girlfriend, and spending almost no time together. I hope he comes around and becomes a part of my life again. I cannot imagine how lost he must be.