Bereavement Support Group
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at the time when my very close friend was on life support from having a massive brain hemmerrage we were together for several years but when it came to the decision to remove him off his sister had to make that decision because we were not married i felt like our relationsip never was i relly loved him i wish i knew then what i know now i feel that i had something to do with his death when he was taken off life support when someone is taken off and they are said to be brain dead would that be that you arekilling that person please help
I had to make the awful decision to remove my mom from life support. And I had those thoughts too. It is no better making the decision than not being the one making it.
She had massive damage from a stroke, but the doctors were not certain she was entirely brain dead. However being completely brain dead and the ability to recover from such a massive trauma are two entirely different things.
Just because you werent married, you werent the one making the decision does not detract from what you had with him. That was a legal matter, and does not change the love you had in your hearts for each other - nobody can take that away from you.
you are not responsible for his death. Death is the one certainty in life, and it never seems to come wrapped up nicley in a bow. There is always pain associated with it. It may come in different packages, and we second guess and question those packages, but you did not choose this package, his sister did not choose this, it was a heartbreaking situation thrust upon you.
My mom was not completely brain dead, but was mostly there (there was a little activity, but there was signicant damage to important parts of her brain, including language, breathing, cognition). we had to think about the life she would have lead had we not let her go (and yes we let her go). She would have been in a semi-vegetative state, with some moments of clarity and understanding, but NEVER able to breathe on her own without a tracheotomy, never eat (would be tube fed), not walk, not talk, perhaps understand what we were saying to her, perhaps not. I loved her so much, we let her go. I could not imagine, as being partly aware the living hell she would suffer if she became aware of being trapped in her own body in that manner. But, it was still the most heart wrenching decision I EVER MADE and probalby will ever make. But I know that letting her go was the right thing to do, to free her heart, mind and soul from a body that had become a cage, a prison.
Sometimes death is a relief, a blessing for the person who is lying in that bed. You love them enough that you dont want them to suffer, to hang on just because. Sometimes the greatest act of love and kindness is to let them go.
I dont know if I have helped, I know I was where you are in my thinking and feeling, and the almost 4 years since her death, has given me some time to process this. And I still think about that moment in my life every day. I miss her every day. And I know she loved me
Hang in there. remember the love.
I wrote a memorial poem one year after we removed life support, after we "let her go" - I share it with you, perhaps it will help:
In loving memory of Eileen Collins,
Date of release: June 25, 2005
One long year has passed
since we had to let you go;
You have been more dearly missed
than anyone could know.
We miss your love, your laugh, your voice,
hugs and kisses too;
Now all we have to cherish are
our memories of you.
We like to think of you as living
through the hearts that you have touched;
You continue to live on in us
because you were loved so much.