Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
passed away on July 18, 2011 at the age of 45. He battled schizophrenia and alcoholism since his early 20's. In the end, it was his diabetes that did him in.....because he was not taking proper care of himself, his sugar went sky high and apparently caused a heart attack.
I have been trying to cope with feelings I have never felt before. I am angry at the MH system for not allowing us to 302 him unless he was a danger to himself or others. I am angry at my parents who were extremely disfunctional and abused him......mom mentally, dad physically. I am angry at Bob's fiancee who continued drinking and threatened Bob while he tried during the last year of his life to leave her and find sobriety.
I am angry at Bob's doctor. Bob lost half his body weight and could not control his bowels. He was hoarse all the time. He slept alot. I have reason to believe his doctor was a waste.....
I am angry at Bob. I begged him to see MY doctor. I cried when he insisted he was fine.
I am angry at myself. He called me continuously....even while I was at work. He begged me for money. He wanted to stay at my house for a while. My husband said he would leave me if I okayed it. He wanted to take me out to eat and I said no. I realized that if I avoided him, if I did not see him wasting away, I could make believe everything was fine. The last 2 weeks of his life I ignored every blessed call from him. What kind of person says "call me if you need me" and then ignores phone calls.
I keep having panic attacks. Everytime I do something, I think "Bob will NEVER get to do this again" and I start to shake and it becomes hard to breathe. I cry all the time. Although I have always had faith and was a practicing Catholic, I no longer believe in anything. My baby brother is in a box, in a hole in the ground.....and it was not supposed to BE. We were supposed to grow old together. I am not sure how I am supposed to go on.
I have been trying to cope with feelings I have never felt before. I am angry at the MH system for not allowing us to 302 him unless he was a danger to himself or others. I am angry at my parents who were extremely disfunctional and abused him......mom mentally, dad physically. I am angry at Bob's fiancee who continued drinking and threatened Bob while he tried during the last year of his life to leave her and find sobriety.
I am angry at Bob's doctor. Bob lost half his body weight and could not control his bowels. He was hoarse all the time. He slept alot. I have reason to believe his doctor was a waste.....
I am angry at Bob. I begged him to see MY doctor. I cried when he insisted he was fine.
I am angry at myself. He called me continuously....even while I was at work. He begged me for money. He wanted to stay at my house for a while. My husband said he would leave me if I okayed it. He wanted to take me out to eat and I said no. I realized that if I avoided him, if I did not see him wasting away, I could make believe everything was fine. The last 2 weeks of his life I ignored every blessed call from him. What kind of person says "call me if you need me" and then ignores phone calls.
I keep having panic attacks. Everytime I do something, I think "Bob will NEVER get to do this again" and I start to shake and it becomes hard to breathe. I cry all the time. Although I have always had faith and was a practicing Catholic, I no longer believe in anything. My baby brother is in a box, in a hole in the ground.....and it was not supposed to BE. We were supposed to grow old together. I am not sure how I am supposed to go on.
And to make matters worse, his fiancee has decided that instead of letting my other brother and I have some of Bob's personal belongings, she is going to sell them to pay her bills. The thing is that they are HER bills. The house and everything else is in her name. She was fired from her job last year for showing up drunk and Bob paid for everything with his disability check and the money I lent him. The lawyer says there is nothing we can do.
I keep telling myself that she is grieving too and to let it go. But that is going to take more than I am capable right now. My grief has turned to anger.....rage even. i don't like how it feels. It is all consuming and I cannot concentrate. I don't know what to do.
I feel like a schmuck for not giving my brother some long, warm hugs the last couple of years when he was clearly feeling down and shit on and had no one to talk with. But (sigh) I was there with him at the end, maybe not as big a source of comfort as I could've and should've been, but I was there. I really thought he'd pull through.
Regarding the panic attacks, try to sleep and sleep deeply. Then try to commune with Bob in your dreams. I had some really beautiful dreams with my brother, which kinda made everything right, and helped relax me when I am awake.
Regarding the anger, I put that into exercise, pushing hard on the bike and elliptical and pushing weights in the gym. It helps exhaust me, strengthen me, relax me, and center me. When I'm deep down in the trenches of sweat, I really feel my brother's warm presence, and I welcome him right in, to my heart.
Hope this helps!