Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
***WARNING:::::: This post has graphic language. i wrote it several hours ago when I was angry. I don't want to retype the post because it will make me start crying.***
October 2nd, 2013. My boyfriend of 1 year turned 30.
October 3rd, 2013. at 4:30 pm as he was getting ready to leave for work, the deputies came to tell him his mother had passed.
At about 5:30pm he and I were at the house where his mother had lived, and he had started drinking a bottle of whiskey. at about 9:45 pm, he had drank 2 bottles of whiskey and some moonshine.
We left at this point, and he wanted to stop and get more alcohol. He bought a 12pk of Yuengling.
I started drinking some bud light, I'm not really a beer drinker, but I didn't want him to drink alone.
his estranged sister whom he had not spoken to for 10 years called at exactly 11:00 pm. the call last 7 minutes and 38 seconds.
He began to cry. I went to hug him. He shoved me away. At about 11:30 pm, I got off the couch and went into the bedroom with our dog and fell asleep.
At some point, unknown time, I heard a noise. I did not get up to investigate.
at 2:35 am on October 4th, 2013, my 25th birthday.. I got up out of bed because I woke up choking for some reason. It was incredibly cold in the house, the AC was on 70.
I walked into the living room .......
........
His lifeless body was laying in the living room. at 2:41 am I called 911. I ran up and down the stairs to our apt building, screaming and banging on doors. while I was on the phone with 911, he told me a neighbor had heard me and called police, and that he told that neighbor to immediately go and be with me.
The paramedics arrived at 3:14 am.
He was gone.
The love of my life is gone. And I feel like I am going absolutely insane. I just go outside and scream and cry and hit the ground and scream. I've not had but an hour sleep since I woke up and found him. I have not eaten. I was forced to shower by my family.
while in the shower, I sat for almost an hour, until the water had turned to icicles, just talking to myself. Repeating conversations that me and him had.
I have never ever lost a loved one. And I have definitely never found a dead body in my house.
I don't know how to cope.
I had suicidal thoughts because I want to be with him. But I can't bring myself to do anything at all. I just cry more when I think about doing it.
I have called a suicide hotline but they weren't any help.
Well actually, there are no words that will ever be any help.
I searched for a grief counselor, but they are all from churches. I am an atheist, prayer and bullshit does nothing for me.
and all that bullshit that "god needed his angel"? FUCK YOU. Fuck the FUCK out of you. FUCK. YOU.
I just can't stop screaming and crying. I can't sleep, I can't eat.
I am just now getting on my computer for the first time since it happened because I need to talk to someone. anyone.
......please make the pain go away. please.. I want him to come back. all of these billion dollar technological advancements and they can't bring people back. WHY??
......
I'm so hungry and exhausted..
we still haven't gotten the cause of death .... they are thinking heart attack..
October 2nd, 2013. My boyfriend of 1 year turned 30.
October 3rd, 2013. at 4:30 pm as he was getting ready to leave for work, the deputies came to tell him his mother had passed.
At about 5:30pm he and I were at the house where his mother had lived, and he had started drinking a bottle of whiskey. at about 9:45 pm, he had drank 2 bottles of whiskey and some moonshine.
We left at this point, and he wanted to stop and get more alcohol. He bought a 12pk of Yuengling.
I started drinking some bud light, I'm not really a beer drinker, but I didn't want him to drink alone.
his estranged sister whom he had not spoken to for 10 years called at exactly 11:00 pm. the call last 7 minutes and 38 seconds.
He began to cry. I went to hug him. He shoved me away. At about 11:30 pm, I got off the couch and went into the bedroom with our dog and fell asleep.
At some point, unknown time, I heard a noise. I did not get up to investigate.
at 2:35 am on October 4th, 2013, my 25th birthday.. I got up out of bed because I woke up choking for some reason. It was incredibly cold in the house, the AC was on 70.
I walked into the living room .......
........
His lifeless body was laying in the living room. at 2:41 am I called 911. I ran up and down the stairs to our apt building, screaming and banging on doors. while I was on the phone with 911, he told me a neighbor had heard me and called police, and that he told that neighbor to immediately go and be with me.
The paramedics arrived at 3:14 am.
He was gone.
The love of my life is gone. And I feel like I am going absolutely insane. I just go outside and scream and cry and hit the ground and scream. I've not had but an hour sleep since I woke up and found him. I have not eaten. I was forced to shower by my family.
while in the shower, I sat for almost an hour, until the water had turned to icicles, just talking to myself. Repeating conversations that me and him had.
I have never ever lost a loved one. And I have definitely never found a dead body in my house.
I don't know how to cope.
I had suicidal thoughts because I want to be with him. But I can't bring myself to do anything at all. I just cry more when I think about doing it.
I have called a suicide hotline but they weren't any help.
Well actually, there are no words that will ever be any help.
I searched for a grief counselor, but they are all from churches. I am an atheist, prayer and bullshit does nothing for me.
and all that bullshit that "god needed his angel"? FUCK YOU. Fuck the FUCK out of you. FUCK. YOU.
I just can't stop screaming and crying. I can't sleep, I can't eat.
I am just now getting on my computer for the first time since it happened because I need to talk to someone. anyone.
......please make the pain go away. please.. I want him to come back. all of these billion dollar technological advancements and they can't bring people back. WHY??
......
I'm so hungry and exhausted..
we still haven't gotten the cause of death .... they are thinking heart attack..
You are going through the stage of anger and grief of loosing someone so close. You are cycling through them back and forth at a rappid rate. I would say the cause of death is not important and from your description it sounds like alcohol had a lot to do with it. Maybe even to the poisoning level.
I have been suicdel mos tof my life and I know those feelings also.You just want the pain to stop and really dont care how. Well tha tis a desperate messure for something that will eventually deminish on its own. The pain will probably never leave compleatly, but it dose faid in time as do all things.
Look for a non religion grief couciling and use this sight for help to get you through this very tuff time in your life. Lean on your family and friends to help also. If you like you can talk to me privatly too in a person message through here.
NO One knows why people die when they do. People will die every day and leave our lives and it gets worse as we age. We just have to keep pushing forward day after day and try to find little joys in life and remember them in our hearts. That is what keeps them alive.
Hugs and I send you compation and friendship.