my best friend and I are different from day and night.We are just two different people..but she told me the other day that she has got a rare kidney disease and she has to go into the hospital.I have known her for 21 years and I met her in the 1990s.She took care of her mother back then because her mom had cancer of the breast.Her mom eventually died of the cancer and then she had to take care of her dad.Her brother is a well known stock broker and could not be bothered.And all of the weight came down on her shoulders.She hasnt had a regular job in years and it is has been hard for her.But to be told she has a rare kidney disease..it aint so good.She will be 62 soon and I hope things will go better for her..but I cant fly home and see as of now.I am in seatle and i cant afford it.I wish I could see her..but i call her every weekend.Every weekend i get free long distance on my cell phone and i call her then.But I dont know what to say to her.She was in the hospital and did not tell me.She told me that she didnt want me to worry as I have enough on my plate.Well.she is right.Everyonehas bills to pay.As I told everyone in my journal..I still cry everyday.I cry where noone can see me and i cry alone.I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me.Suicide isnt anyones fault.You have to realize when people kill themselves they usually are in a lot of pain and death is the on ly solution for their problems but they dont think of the survivors.I dont know what to say to her no more.What does a person say? i cant visit as of now and when I dont hear from her..I worry.Since 2003....I lost my mother.2004...Brad lost his father.Then in the same month my godfather died but in August of 2004...my sainted brother died.He was 68.But the biggest shock to me was in 2006.My cousin Anthony died of a liver failure.He died in the hospital awaiting a transplant.He was 60 years old and my aunts oldest child.And when he was little he was a ring bearer in my other aunts wedding.Tessie passed away the same month that year.She was 80.Brad was living then and did not want to hear about my pain.And I couldnt attend the services.But in 2009 20 months ago..was the biggest trauma of my life.Finding Brads body has an impact on me and I just cant discuss this noomore.Brad was all i had and he knew it.But now he is in peace.I dont know what I would do if my best friend passes.I dont know what to say.She is on the outs with her brother and they have been at war for years.She told me that she has made a will and thats all she will tell me.The mourning that I have for Brad is different.I saw him everyday and we lived together.I will never forget Brad.He was the love of my life..But what am I going to do? What would you do?