You have so much pain in your heart. Don't carry guilt for what he did, those deeds are on his soul, not yours.

Meth is illegal, I am surprised you don't know that. You are right, it is a very evil drug and more addictive than heroin. People on meth do all sorts of strange and nasty things.

I am glad that you escaped this man. Free your heart and mind as best you can and move forward to a better life Vader.

[hugs]

You are carrying false guilt. It's time to lay it down becuz it's not yours to carry Vader. Don't keep yourself a victim by carrying false guilt and continuing to suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome becuz it is a long lonely road that makes ppl avoid you and keeps you crippled/stuck. These are things that can be worked out in therapy. Keep searching for the right grief therapist....one you can click with and then work with them.
I know you said you tried therapy and it did not work. No one can wave a magic wand and make the pain and bad memories go away....it takes hard work. I found out that I could not get from A to C without going through B (the pain)....life just doesn't work that way.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I have been on this board for around 2 years now and you are stuck in the same spot as when I first got here.
I'm not trying to nullify your pain and loss, I just hope you can find a good therapist to help you work through your pain and loss so that life can be good again for you.......as it should be. Yes, life will be different now and you will make adjustment throughout your life, it just won't be as painful as it is right now, but only if you get help.
I wish you well and want to see you not be in soooo much pain allll the time.
If talk therapy didn't work for you, there are different approaches. I have done "drama" therapy and I also have done art/sand tray therapy. Both let you act out the event in a group (drama) or drawing and or playing in a sandbox with figurines in the presence of just you and the therapist. You can check with your local hospital to find those kind of therapists. Good luck and I hope you find the healing you so desperately need ((((((((((Hugs))))))))

I have been glancing at the BRAD soap opera for a while now. I was wondering when the next dramatic revelation would hit the small screen! I gave up watching this saga when Vader announced that both she and Brad were GAY !!! Several people stated they no longer believed any of this anymore. I'm afraid I was one of those. I had wasted hours of sympathy, when others would have needed it more !!
Cut us some slack now Vader.....

to all who replied I thank you and today I did the following.I changed the greeting of the answering machine.I gave away all of his clothes and I took down some of his pictures and I am making plans to join a dating club for people who are over 60.Once again thanks.

Vader ~ You are taking some much needed steps towards healing. However, since this has been an ongoing theme for 3 years, it will not change over night or becuz a few of us have called you on this. It is a process that needs to be done with a counselor and not on your own. Feelings and events need to be discussed, sorted out, and processed.
My honest opinion is you do not need to jump into the dating scene until you have some resolve to you and Brad and probablly other issues before jumping into another relationship. For one thing, you will find another person like Brad (offender, drug addict, etc) and the cycle will repeat.....for this I am 100% sure of. You need to fix what is broken in yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship. Getting into another relationship before you are healed will only delay your healing and bring undue drama into the next relationship which would not be fair or healthy for either of you.
Vader, I say this all in true sincerity. I'm not trying to be malicious or insensitive to what you have been throug, just wanting to head you in the direction of healing and I want to stop dreading opening your threads.
Plz, find a good therapist and stick with it...k?