Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
I wish I could start this with a simple question, and a simple answer....will it ever be okay? But it's just not that simple.
I grew up in what I thought was a perfect family. I had a mom, a dad, and a brother - and things were great. But in 1998, when I was 12 and my brother was 16- my life flipped. My brother passed away at home from a blood clot, while on his way up to bed. It was a result of knee surgery and it was the beginning of the end...slowly my family split. My dad moved out, and eventually vanished from my life for nearly 10 years, and he and my mom divorced. Day after day I watched my mother suffer in heartache over the loss of my brother. She wrote him letters every day, she left meals out at the cemetery for him- she never stopped being a mom to him....it was beautiful, but also heartbreaking and I knew it was taking a toll on her. Yet, she still always wore that beautiful smile on her face that said, "world, I'm okay..." and maybe that's where I get it from, because now 15 years later, I'm wearing that same "world, I'm okay" smile, when I'm really not...
In 2011 my mom passed away at 54....I was just 26 years old and had just had the wedding of my dreams two months earlier. May 18th, 2011 was a normal day. We talked on the phone, we laughed until we cried and we had a normal day...the next day however I had a call early in the morning from her work saying that she never showed up. This was out of character because she had worked there 20+ years and never so much as called in sick. So I called her, and I called her, and there was no answer. My husband and I jumped into the car and drove to her house, which is only 10 minutes away, but felt like hours. I remember walking into her house and seeing her work clothes on the floor and knowing something was wrong...why hadn't she gotten up? Why wasn't she dressed? I kept calling out to her and looking around each corner...where was my mom?? I finally got upstairs to her bedroom and she looked as if she was peacefully sleeping in bed. I shook her, I called her name, I even took the pillow out from under her head...nothing....I called 911 and said I didn't know what was going on, or if she was breathing, but I needed help...it was within minutes that they arrived, and they came up to her bedroom. I pleaded with them - is she okay, and they just wouldn't answer me...finally I said, "is my mom alive?" And the answer I got shattered my world...."no, I'm sorry" they said. All I remember is screaming "mom!" and running outside only to fall to my knees in the front yard.
It's been 2 1/2 years since this horrible day, and yet I still cannot seem to move forward. The pain still feels so real and cuts like the sharpest knife I've ever felt. I still cry what seems like hours each week because my heart aches for her....there was just no reason for this- she was perfectly healthy.
I feel so alone and I miss my family so much....both her and my brother died much too soon and I can't help but wonder 'why' day in and day out....
The prime reason that I am here is that I feel like this is taking a toll on me as a mother....I've got a beautiful little girl, who was actually born May 18th, 2012 at 6:37PM....I call her my blessing because May 18th, 2011 at 6:32 was the last time I ever spoke to my mom...it was our last phone call, our last laugh, our last moment....My daughter is now 18 months, and as much as I try to hold it together around her - sometimes I can't....I just cry. Lately it breaks my heart because she looks at me with this face that says she understands I am in pain...a few weeks ago she even wiped a tear from my face. I just wish she didn't have to see the broken pieces of my heart, and I want so much to just shield her from my pain- but I can't. This week she said "grandma" for the first time, and it just broke me to know that she is missing out on the most amazing woman.
I just feel so lost....I feel like after 2 1/2 years I shouldn't cry this much, it shouldn't hurt this much - but no matter what I do - nothing eases the pain.
Where do I go?? What do I do?? I want to feel normal again...okay again....happy again....
I grew up in what I thought was a perfect family. I had a mom, a dad, and a brother - and things were great. But in 1998, when I was 12 and my brother was 16- my life flipped. My brother passed away at home from a blood clot, while on his way up to bed. It was a result of knee surgery and it was the beginning of the end...slowly my family split. My dad moved out, and eventually vanished from my life for nearly 10 years, and he and my mom divorced. Day after day I watched my mother suffer in heartache over the loss of my brother. She wrote him letters every day, she left meals out at the cemetery for him- she never stopped being a mom to him....it was beautiful, but also heartbreaking and I knew it was taking a toll on her. Yet, she still always wore that beautiful smile on her face that said, "world, I'm okay..." and maybe that's where I get it from, because now 15 years later, I'm wearing that same "world, I'm okay" smile, when I'm really not...
In 2011 my mom passed away at 54....I was just 26 years old and had just had the wedding of my dreams two months earlier. May 18th, 2011 was a normal day. We talked on the phone, we laughed until we cried and we had a normal day...the next day however I had a call early in the morning from her work saying that she never showed up. This was out of character because she had worked there 20+ years and never so much as called in sick. So I called her, and I called her, and there was no answer. My husband and I jumped into the car and drove to her house, which is only 10 minutes away, but felt like hours. I remember walking into her house and seeing her work clothes on the floor and knowing something was wrong...why hadn't she gotten up? Why wasn't she dressed? I kept calling out to her and looking around each corner...where was my mom?? I finally got upstairs to her bedroom and she looked as if she was peacefully sleeping in bed. I shook her, I called her name, I even took the pillow out from under her head...nothing....I called 911 and said I didn't know what was going on, or if she was breathing, but I needed help...it was within minutes that they arrived, and they came up to her bedroom. I pleaded with them - is she okay, and they just wouldn't answer me...finally I said, "is my mom alive?" And the answer I got shattered my world...."no, I'm sorry" they said. All I remember is screaming "mom!" and running outside only to fall to my knees in the front yard.
It's been 2 1/2 years since this horrible day, and yet I still cannot seem to move forward. The pain still feels so real and cuts like the sharpest knife I've ever felt. I still cry what seems like hours each week because my heart aches for her....there was just no reason for this- she was perfectly healthy.
I feel so alone and I miss my family so much....both her and my brother died much too soon and I can't help but wonder 'why' day in and day out....
The prime reason that I am here is that I feel like this is taking a toll on me as a mother....I've got a beautiful little girl, who was actually born May 18th, 2012 at 6:37PM....I call her my blessing because May 18th, 2011 at 6:32 was the last time I ever spoke to my mom...it was our last phone call, our last laugh, our last moment....My daughter is now 18 months, and as much as I try to hold it together around her - sometimes I can't....I just cry. Lately it breaks my heart because she looks at me with this face that says she understands I am in pain...a few weeks ago she even wiped a tear from my face. I just wish she didn't have to see the broken pieces of my heart, and I want so much to just shield her from my pain- but I can't. This week she said "grandma" for the first time, and it just broke me to know that she is missing out on the most amazing woman.
I just feel so lost....I feel like after 2 1/2 years I shouldn't cry this much, it shouldn't hurt this much - but no matter what I do - nothing eases the pain.
Where do I go?? What do I do?? I want to feel normal again...okay again....happy again....
Both your brother and mother met the end of their lives in a natural way. Whether we can understand that, agree with that, accept that, is not the point. Each life has an end: mine, yours, all of us. It is in God's plan for each of us and no God does not inflict death to torture the living left behind. In fact, He does not inflict it at all because there is no such thing as death: yes, we do have souls (read Robert Lanza, MD as well as many others). Yes, they do "pass through" to (maybe) another dimension. Your mother mourned the death of her son in an exquisitely painful way you do not understand (God willing, you never will). The loss of a child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. Death is, for such a woman, not an "end", but a "beginning" and the final merciful event for her tortured soul.
You need a VERY GOOD certified grief counselor. You're missing, the big picture and I'll tell you plainly what that is: At age 38-1/2, unmarried by choice (divorced and annulment), I begged God for a child TO RAISE: not a baby, a child TO RAISE. I worked on myself for almost 20 years in various episodes of psychotherapy to rid myself of the effects of a dreadful childhood, and and even more dreadful adolescence. One day, after a therapy session, I knew I was "free". And then God answered my prayer: despite the odds (I had various serious infertility issues most of which I was unaware of), I got pregnant. And despite an extremely frightening last minute induced delivery with mid forceps (refusing an amnion because I said "I'll take whatever God gives me" and meant it), I had a daughter.
My entire lifetime has been quite odd in the sense that, since extremely early childhood, I had communication with God (and no I'm not psychotic). One of the unusual circumstances of thousands in my lifetime occurred in a King Kullen supermarket (on Long Island). My daughter was about five months old, sitting in a very well padded and strapped in seat for the supermarket cart. I went around a corner down an aisle and this woman was suddenly there. She was elderly (from my 40 year old perspective but from this perspective, maybe in her 70s). She stopped. She said: "Cherish every moment with that baby because, before you know it, she'll be gone."
I never forgot that. And she is gone. That baby who wipes your tears is an enormous gift to your life. Love her unconditionally; do not raise her with coercion, but with respect and cooperation. Toss your expectations of her aside, right now, and accept her for the person she was born to be. Watch every word you say to her: only out of love do you speak because angry words hurt and are not forgotten. See in her your mother, who is watching over you both, and your brother whose life ended far too soon TO US, but in God's time.
This is your mission, little sister. Be the mother you had, a mother so wonderful you mourn her deeply. Honor your mother in that way and, also, validate your precious daughter. She is now your number one focus; she, and any other children you are blessed with. Talking to a professional will help you enormously but never take your eye off that child of your. God expects something of you: you have seen the grief of a woman who lost a child, you are experiencing the grief of a child who has lost a mother. May you be blessed and may His mercy and love reach you and strengthen you.
I cried a lot, and for a long time, too. It gave me one whopper of an existential crisis! I've got loads of half-baked advice if you ever want to drop me a line :)
Hang in there.
I feel your heartache, as I have my own.i lost my mom nov 29, 2011.
I went through hell and back. Self destructing from all the pain and grief . No support. Only once in awhile I vague " are you ok."
No one knew how serious the pain is of losing your mother. In my case is was the worst way . She choose me to make her decisions. I was there day to day giving all of me as I fought her fight to keep her alive. No one was there by my side. I gave all to my mom and I'll die never regretting a second. When she left -only the ones who went through this, I can honestly say understand our pain. I know what it feels like. I still feel the pain. And you do too. It is ok to hurt. It's ok to cry. It's ok to feel your feelings. No one can tell you ,how long is normal? It's been too long you should feel fine? - let out the pain! .let out the hurt..let out the loss of it all.. I feel like if you grieve normally -like just crying when u need to- I feel like it helps you feel better eventually. Soon you will feel your heart beating and feeling love again. I know you have a little girl and soon you can feel normal enough to not think about the pain as much.. I am sorry my writing isn't the best but my point is grieve as much and as naturally as u want. It does feel less painful and it WILL get better.
I hope you feel better soon. I understand too.
Best wishes!!