First let me say I am so sorry for your loss. Words do not do justice to what you have gone through. It is not the natural order of things to lose a child. The other thing I want to say is that your son did love you, maybe he just didn't want you to suffer what he felt to be unbearable. So, please don't blame yourself. Suicide is such a hard one to deal with because of the guilt felt by those left behind. People who are suicidal don't often think about the pain they are causing others, they just don't want to be in pain themselves.Being young, he probably felt he had no choice. If he had only waited, he could have found the help he needed. My main concern is you. How are you holding up? I know there are support groups out there for parents who have lost children to suicide. I highly recommend that you join one - these people DO know what they are talking about and if you call your local crisis centre they will point you in the right direction (even if money is an issue). Please keep reaching out for help. I worry about you feeling that "life is not worth living"...thoughts like these don't always end well. Please get some help for yourself - right now. The future is a mystery, we have no idea what is around the next corner. What if, after joining one of these groups, you find yourself in a position to help someone who is feeling suicidal. The knowledge you have, could help him/her a great deal. Let them see what kind of pain this would cause their family. Let them know there are places they can go to be safe. Suicide is not the only solution. My point is, this world needs you. I know this is too much to ask right now but, please think about all the people you could help, knowing what you know right now, today. You can be the difference to someone else's child.

You're so wise, so right and this really helped me see I must not turn this into a double tragedy and find some way to make sense of my loss. God bless you

Dear Annwae,

I am so Terribly sorry for the loss of your dear son Toby. I lost my own son very unexpectedly a little more than 2 yrs ago, so I can relate to how you are feeling. What I want you to know is that I have met many, many moms online and in person who have lost children, and no matter how their children have died, it seems like almost every mom has at some point wanted to follow their child to Heaven as soon as possible. It is just natural to miss your child so much at first you think you will not be able to continue with your life, but really, you will. It takes time, prayer, lots of cleansing, healing tears and opportunities to talk with others who have walked this path before you and also to hold hands with those who are walking it now.

Please don't be angry with Toby about not leaving you a note. It sounds like he left a note to be hurtful to the people who had been hurtful to him. That wasn't you. You loved him unconditionally and he knew it. Sometimes less is more. I think he was trying to spare you more pain. It is hard to understand how someone be thinking in their final moments... He is with God now and his pain and torment is over. PLease believe that. Hugs, Cherie

Thank you it helps to know others have been through this hell and survived. I wrote to Toby today and wrote what I think he would have replied. I know he would not want me to be destroyed by this. God bless you

I am so sorry for your loss. When a loved one takes their own life it is more difficult to process and understand because the signs are not blatant. It does not mean that he did not love you or felt your love. You and your family are in my prayers.

Suicide is not a rational act. Your son's withdrawal from college, seemingly a perfectly normal act (so many kids do it) might have been a clue that he was suffering an illness BUT YOU COULDN'T KNOW THAT UNLESS YOU READ MINDS. My daughter never shared her delusions and hallucinations but I knew about them because I got into her email account. Mental illness is insidious and it's not easy to see someone is suffering unless you live with them 24/7, and even then they KNOW how to (at least attempt) to hide it. None of this is your fault but part of grieving this loss is self blame and guilt, even though we don't deserve blame or guilt. You're not alone, not that it helps to know that. You will have to help yourself through this, a grief counselor or psychotherapist will help to some extent. It's a roller coaster ride but when you are really working at it, there is some respite, some of the time. I'm only five months from losing my daughter but I know people further along and they say that the pain gets "gentler", that you don't cry every day, that the pain becomes manageable. There is a future for you, your son would not want you to give up.

Hi Ann: I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son Toby. Such a heart ache to go thru, especially when it is sudden, unexpected, and like a part of you. Please be gentle to yourself; life throws us so many curve balls, and the why can never be answered. I am so glad you came on line and told us your story, not an easy thing to do. I lost my only son, Phil, 5 yrs ago. I also thought we were close, my son was addicted to drugs. I always knew it could happen, but until it does, it comes like a ton of bricks. My father committed suicide when he was 59, and I was 37. My mother had been married 35 yrs, and never expected anything was wrong. So please Ann do not blame yourself, as death is something we cannot control. Time does make it so it is a little fresh out of our mind, but we must always live with it and try and make the best out of everything, even though we feel the worse has happened to us. take care and be strong my friend...

Thank you all for your kind words. It is so comforting to know I am not walking this difficult road alone. I have called support lines and found a support group in my area for survivors of bereavement by suicide. I am trying to walk to the shop every day just to buy a paper. I live in a beautiful part of the UK by the sea and the sun is shining. I feel the presence of my son Toby and hear him telling me he is proud of me for trying to get on with my life. I have got a new puppy so I have to get out of bed every morning to take her out and feed her. I gave Toby so much, maybe too much. He had everything he wanted and never learned a work ethic. I can only pray he is resting in peace and knew how much he was and is loved.

I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your son...the journey of grief is very hard, but there is hope.
There is a group on Daily Strength called ForMomsOnly that I am part of...there are many moms in the group that are dealing with the loss of their child due to suicide..please join us.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/formomsonly

I'm so sorry for your loss. It actually sounds a lot like my story except it was my 23 year old brother. He died of a drug overdose but we don't know if it was suicide or not. He pawned a bunch of his favorite things the day before he died. But I know what you mean about the questions, the anger.

We need you here dear one, you have a grood deal to give to the world. Your soul is inherently great, so allow yourself to be great. There is nobody to blame fo the way that Toby died, be assured that he is loved unconditionally and understood where he is. My love to you, BARB xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sorry. it feels so sad. may you have the strength. may he be safe and happy wherever he is.

I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Son. My Daughter,Heather ended her own life 15 yrs. ago. I think of you with so much compassion.....and I shall also share that there is peace, forgiveness, acceptance and blessings unfolding for you. Be gentle with yourself and seek where you can find hope, books, friends, groups, let your Spirit guide you. Love and Blessings to All