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I am a recovering alcoholic, I sobered up 12 years ago trying to get my mother sober. She never wanted to live sober, she made a few attempts at AA but never had her heart in it. This past Christmas she was out of control, she didn't even try to hide it, it had taken it's toll on her and it was painfully obvious to everyone. The next day after she made 4 or 5 attempts to contact me, I decided to take her call. I said, "Mom, I love you and I hope you get well, but from what I saw yesterday I don't think you'll see 60." On that note she said to me, "OK Honey, thanks for sharing," and politely ended the conversation. I was right, she died 40 days after I said that to her, she was 59.
When I was a young adult she and I were very close. I felt close to her growing up too, but I must admit it sucked having to compete with her social life and not be allowed to discuss it with her at all (or it would be hell to pay). She was a beautiful person with an awful disease. Even at her funeral, eulogies were all focused on the person she once was, she was not that person when she passed.
I have a good life, I'm married almost 8 years to another recovering alcoholic and we have 2 beautiful children. It just sucks that nothing was a good enough reason to quit. She didn't survive her 3rd stay in ICU, all 3 stays were alcohol related.
For Mother's day this year I decided not to visit her at the Mosoleum (I also opted to not visit my child's grave, I had a still born child in 2000). I had thought about it, but it was such a beautiful day and I wanted to spend it doing happy things with my family. I felt she was with us in spirit and I just wanted the day to be happy.
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had been there and might have some feedback for me.
Thank you, Kathryn
When I was a young adult she and I were very close. I felt close to her growing up too, but I must admit it sucked having to compete with her social life and not be allowed to discuss it with her at all (or it would be hell to pay). She was a beautiful person with an awful disease. Even at her funeral, eulogies were all focused on the person she once was, she was not that person when she passed.
I have a good life, I'm married almost 8 years to another recovering alcoholic and we have 2 beautiful children. It just sucks that nothing was a good enough reason to quit. She didn't survive her 3rd stay in ICU, all 3 stays were alcohol related.
For Mother's day this year I decided not to visit her at the Mosoleum (I also opted to not visit my child's grave, I had a still born child in 2000). I had thought about it, but it was such a beautiful day and I wanted to spend it doing happy things with my family. I felt she was with us in spirit and I just wanted the day to be happy.
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had been there and might have some feedback for me.
Thank you, Kathryn
I am been there girlfriend. I am a recovering alcoholic also of 24 years. My dad was a practicing alcoholic when he passed at the age of 52. It got to where he would always put the bottle before his family or anything else for that matter except drinking. He started to get very beligerant to the point that I told him that I was sorry that he felt he needed to drink, but if he made the choice of the bottle over his family then not to darken my doorstep when he had been drinking (he was very violent). I told him that I had no choice when I was young but I did have a choice of whether or not my children had to be around it. So there it was - i saw him VERY FEW times after that. In fact, when he died I started on a guilt trip about depriving my children of their PawPaw. Then I came to realized that he was the one that made that decision.
My mother was also a recovering alcoholic of 27 years when she passed away at the age of 59. I was so very proud of her. We had had hard times and hard relationship when I was younger but we were able to mend our ways and I am now able to say that I have NO regrets as far as my relationship with her. I was there for her and helped take care of her til the day she died. She died of COPD 3 years ago. I know I am babbling now but I hope this helps to know that there are others.....
Tonyia
and let you know i am proud of you for your recovery, and you must know how hard it is to do.
it is so sad but some do not have the strength,to stop,i am sure your mother wanted desperately to heal,because she tried a few times.but your mother was just not strong enough to be healed from her disease.so please just forgive her for anything this disease caused her to do,or not do,and know it was the disease.
i hope you find peace,
you deserve it.
joyce
As i grew into adulthood, everytime my DH and I would visit her all she wanted was a ride to the liquor store, or some money for booze. So hubby and I began looking into somesort of help for her. On my last trip to town I opted NOT to see Mom, it just made me mad and sad. When we got home from visiting my Dad(him and mom both lived in the same town, about 3 hours from me. They were divorced) Dad called and told me mom had died. She had passed out with a lit smoke and her house caught on fire. He blood alcohol level was .388!!!
Its so sad that she never had a good reason to quit. I always wondered was there something I could have done.? The only thing that helps me is to remember alcohol is a disease. She had an illness. I feel your pain. Im here if u need a friend
I dont visit graves and I think you are right not to go to her grave, keep Mothers day a happy day for your children to remember and I'm sure her spitit was with you. Its a better way to LIVE.
I agree with you about visiting graves. The person is not there just a marker. The kids ask me a lot about spirit and I tell them it is the love they have for Daddy and he has for them.
It is hard for me as I have different memories of lousy things but the ones I need to give them are the good ones in which he loved them as best he could despite the addiction.
And I felt like she never really came back. She has been an alcoholic all of her adult life. She is near 70 now, and only admits to having an "alcohol problem" I'm not sure if she even really believes that herself, she may be just saying that to keep us from trying to talk to her any more about it.
I have never gotten along well with her, and grew up thinking it was all my fault. I've been in and out of therapy now for over 20 years, and still cannot shake her shame and guilt.
I don't know if either one of us will ever get well.