Bereavement Support Group
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The last 3 or so weeks have been very challenging for me, in ways I really never understood until recently. 2 weeks ago, I took my mom to the hospital, because she seemed to have flu, and I was worried it was going to get worse. It took a lot of convincing on my part, because she hated doctors so much. After some initial tests, they find she is severely dehydrated, and that she may have cancer, and would need to do some x-rays and a ct scan.
Hours later, she has nodes all over her pancreas, and it looks like some in her liver and lungs, but we can't be sure, is what we get told. Swiftly she gets taken into ICU, where they do all they can to re-hydrate her, so she can get a biopsy done. Her calcium and a few other things were extremely out of wack, so they had to fix that as well. She was a mess.
Two days later, biopsy, giving us the dreaded news she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Not only that, but that it was definitely in her liver, and was pushing on her bile ducts, and had a "few" nodes in her lungs. She was so weak, and drained from all the fluids and other drugs, that chemo was likely to kill her, so they kept treating all the other issues.
Two days later, she has gained 90 pounds of water. She is so big now, that liquid is oozing out her skin, and doesn't even really look like my mom anymore. Her kidneys have shut down, as they now have cancer forming, and the "few" nodes in her lungs have spread so fast that it is throughout her whole lung system. She was barely conscious anymore, and we were losing her.
They opted to try and open her duct, to try and kick start her kidneys in a last ditch attempt, but it failed. Her body was so weak after the procedure, that she had to stay on a ventilator, and could no longer open her eyes. A day later, she passed away, from her heart and blood pressure dropping so low that it couldn't sustain her anymore. The cancer spread was so quick there was nothing we could do.
I watched as she suffered through all this, unable to help her. I feel so helpless, because I have lost someone, that honestly has helped rebuild my life in the last 2 1/2 years since I've joined this site. Everyone's advice, and her guidance, have really shaped who I have become. I was honestly happy, before all this took place, and now, I feel as empty when my ex wife left me.
I know crying and talking help, and I find that is all I do anymore. This time thing, it is just too much. I'm watching my dad struggle with taking over her role. It took him 4 hours just today to right out 9 checks, and to balance said book. He refuses to modernize, and wishes to stay with how my mom did things. But he struggles, and gets upset, and I don't know how to help him anymore then I know how to help myself.
It is so very hard losing someone you love and care for. And I know, time will help lessen this pain, and that even more time, all the bad things I'm feeling now will fade some, and be replaced with better memories of her. But in the meantime, how do I continue going on?
My best friend is laid up in bed, from a really nasty car accident, that happened in November, (His fault, he was speeding doing 100 down a road known to have deer, and hit said deer and took out a pole and tree. He is lucky to be alive.) I stayed with him at the hospital, and until my mom started getting sick, was more or less living with him and his parents, taking care of his every need.
I can't find the strength to do it anymore. He overwhelms me so quickly, and then we fight over stupid stuff, because I'm so spaced out and lost in thought, that I can't care for him right. I don't know how to just walk away, because deep down I care, but at the same time, I don't know how to handle it anymore. Am I a horrible person for needing a break? Is it better to cope with the death of my mom alone, or should I just push through it?
Hours later, she has nodes all over her pancreas, and it looks like some in her liver and lungs, but we can't be sure, is what we get told. Swiftly she gets taken into ICU, where they do all they can to re-hydrate her, so she can get a biopsy done. Her calcium and a few other things were extremely out of wack, so they had to fix that as well. She was a mess.
Two days later, biopsy, giving us the dreaded news she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Not only that, but that it was definitely in her liver, and was pushing on her bile ducts, and had a "few" nodes in her lungs. She was so weak, and drained from all the fluids and other drugs, that chemo was likely to kill her, so they kept treating all the other issues.
Two days later, she has gained 90 pounds of water. She is so big now, that liquid is oozing out her skin, and doesn't even really look like my mom anymore. Her kidneys have shut down, as they now have cancer forming, and the "few" nodes in her lungs have spread so fast that it is throughout her whole lung system. She was barely conscious anymore, and we were losing her.
They opted to try and open her duct, to try and kick start her kidneys in a last ditch attempt, but it failed. Her body was so weak after the procedure, that she had to stay on a ventilator, and could no longer open her eyes. A day later, she passed away, from her heart and blood pressure dropping so low that it couldn't sustain her anymore. The cancer spread was so quick there was nothing we could do.
I watched as she suffered through all this, unable to help her. I feel so helpless, because I have lost someone, that honestly has helped rebuild my life in the last 2 1/2 years since I've joined this site. Everyone's advice, and her guidance, have really shaped who I have become. I was honestly happy, before all this took place, and now, I feel as empty when my ex wife left me.
I know crying and talking help, and I find that is all I do anymore. This time thing, it is just too much. I'm watching my dad struggle with taking over her role. It took him 4 hours just today to right out 9 checks, and to balance said book. He refuses to modernize, and wishes to stay with how my mom did things. But he struggles, and gets upset, and I don't know how to help him anymore then I know how to help myself.
It is so very hard losing someone you love and care for. And I know, time will help lessen this pain, and that even more time, all the bad things I'm feeling now will fade some, and be replaced with better memories of her. But in the meantime, how do I continue going on?
My best friend is laid up in bed, from a really nasty car accident, that happened in November, (His fault, he was speeding doing 100 down a road known to have deer, and hit said deer and took out a pole and tree. He is lucky to be alive.) I stayed with him at the hospital, and until my mom started getting sick, was more or less living with him and his parents, taking care of his every need.
I can't find the strength to do it anymore. He overwhelms me so quickly, and then we fight over stupid stuff, because I'm so spaced out and lost in thought, that I can't care for him right. I don't know how to just walk away, because deep down I care, but at the same time, I don't know how to handle it anymore. Am I a horrible person for needing a break? Is it better to cope with the death of my mom alone, or should I just push through it?
On one the biggest things I can say is to allow yourself a "pass" for when you feel too overwhelmed to do a certain task or deal with a certain issue. For example, I had to tell myself outloud "I'm giving myself a pass to not get the dishes done today." Along with allowing yourself some grace, it's very important to get enough sleep and eat (even if you're not hungry). You can't take care of others if you're not healthy either.
It's hard to watch your loved one decline, especially so quickly. I had a hard time "seeing" mom in my head not sick so I kept some pictures around that I could look at when I wanted to remember her the way she really was, before the cancer and decline. Though I still hurt and struggle with losing her, it's a lot easier to remember my mom as the kind, fun loving woman she was now that I've replaced the negative pictures in my head with pictures of her true character.
Most importantly, it's ok to feel... cry, talk to her, journal, say what you wanted to say and felt like you didn't get to, etc... remember others are wanting to keep her alive in their hearts and minds too and each person does that in a different way (your dad may be keeping your mom's way of doing things to hold on to a piece of her or maybe feels she'd want it done that way and he wants to honor that). My dad went through a similar process and sometimes I just had to let him struggle through it as a way of letting him process. Sometimes I didn't know what to say so I would just tell him, "I miss her too, dad." It may not seem like, but you all need each other even more now. Staying connected with your loved ones is important.
There's also no guilt in taking a step back from other responsibilities a bit while you work through grief and work at getting refreshed mentally and physically. There will be lots of moments along the grief journey where you and your loved ones will take turns being there for each other. Remember we're all here for you too... ((hugs))
Nope. Please explain to your friend that this is all sensory overload, that you're not going to be any good to him, yourself or anyone else if you don't get a rest.
She was in so much pain she cried out often and her mental abilities, as well as dealing with her medical condition were compromised. She began to act more like a child who didn't understand what was happening to her. I began to function in the role that she had always carried and for me that was the beginning of the end. I knew I had lost a huge part of my mom.
I had to make decisions I never in my life thought I would ever have to face and look her in the eye while i did it. She was my best friend and I miss her horribly. I also ask myself the, "how do I go on" question often. I think about all the things that I will have to go through with out her for the first time ever in my life. I wonder all the time if I did the right things for her in the end and I will always miss her.
I'm still very new in the process so I don't have any advice for you. It would be like the blind leading the blind, but I only do as much as I can handle and then I back off. It seems to help. If you don't have the strength to do it anymore as much as you might not want too maybe its time to say "I just can't do it." to your friend. Perhaps he has someone else who can stay with him? Hope it helps. Thanks for listening to my story as well.
As far as the friend goes, I did take a break. He forced my hand, but I'm alright with that now. A week or so ago I fell, due to my disease, and just didn't have the strength to get up. I asked him twice to let me be, as I was struggling. He didn't so I went off on him. Apparently I'm being too "emo", and he said if I didn't stop he was "going to have to walk away from me". I was so hurt by it, that I told him to screw himself, and refuse to answer him now. Not the way I wanted things to go, but he is so disrespectful.
I can say though, my dad, and 2 other friends of mine have helped me though, and are still helping me cope with all this. My dad and I have a ritual of calling each other once a day just to see how life is. I'm really cherishing that. And the last couple times I've been out with my friends, they just let me talk and cry, and just tell me it is going to be ok, and are so supportive. So I've resolved in myself that I need to be around people like them, instead of the idiot best friend that has no time for me. I gave all my time to him, and it means nothing to him because I'm not there now. He is very selfish, and sadly, it hurts, but it is the truth.
Those of you that have lost someone very dear and close to you, I sincerely am sorry for your loss. I know we all walk the same path here, and we all will find our ways out of the darkness. While I have been struggling, it is starting to get easier. The routine of cleaning the house, and helping my dad with errands has given me a distraction. It hasn't fixed or removed all the feeling of loss yet, but it does take my mind off it for periods of time. I hope one day, the feeling will dissipate more. You guys are amazing people, and I wish you all the best.