Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
Hi All,
I'm a first time writer here
I hope you don't mind me writing it out a little.
I am 25 years old, my dad had been sick my entire life, most severely in the last 8 years and we have almost lost him numerous times in the last 2 years. He had many health problems - longer then what they could place on the death certificate, and chronic pain. He truly was suffering.
I am struggling in a few ways.
We had travelled home for Christmas, it was my first one back home (well we stayed at my uncles with my parents) in 5 years. We took along our dog, we were really looking forward to it.
The night before my father passed, my dad was having 2 scotches, talking to my fianc about how he hoped to see us marry ( we are getting married next year in April). He was having a really good night despite how sick we could tell he was. I am thankful he enjoyed his last night.
about 4am my world changed. I saw so much that keeps replaying in my head. My loving dad, he was gone and as hard as we tried we could not save him.
My mum went into hospital the next day with a heart attack herself which they found out to be something called broken heard syndrome. she spent 40 years with my dad and her world had completely fallen apart.
My dad had 2 children from a previous marriage (45 and 49) and they've made this process so difficult. Their hands came straight out, they've tried to accuse my mum of harming him (which is absurd and had been ruled out) because they were left nothing in his will. However because of their accusations dad was given a full autopsy, which was not needed because he was quite a sick man. They've tried telling me we have another brother I know nothing about, my mother knows nothing about and my dad never mentioned, which is irrelevant right now, I can't ask dad if it's true so the only point of telling me is to try and hurt me, which it doesn't I just hope he is a decent guy if it's true and not like these two. My nephew got into my parents house while we weren't there and stole valuable stuff to my dad. I had to tell my mum to stop talking to them, no matter what they threw at her she tried to accommodate them in the funeral, in the entire process but they just kept hurling things at her and ignoring her but then blaming her for not including them? I thought we could grieve together it hurts that we can't.
I felt like a small child in all this, I am an only child to my parents marriage, I had to hold mum together, pick up my dads death certificate, organise the funeral home and guard off these 40+ year old other children from hurting her. While I had my fianc' by my side, and my uncles and aunties I just felt lost you know? Like I should have had a sibling helping me I SHOULD have. But they left me to do it alone.
I am struggling with what I saw that day he died. I'm struggling to help my mum (I was their only child together) in the right way. I'm struggling to know how to deal with these other two who are calling me all the names under the sun and trying to hurt me (and mum) accusing her of wrong doing and trying to contest his will. I'm struggling to know if I can grieve or will I be trying to guard off something else these other two are going to throw at up. My dad will never walk me down the aisle or see my first born which he so desperately wanted. We were close, I'm close to both my parents we talk daily even though I live a state away.
I can't comprehend how people could act this way, how could your first thought even be "what do I get?" truly, how is it even possible? My poor dad didn't even get a funeral, his close family and my mum did a viewing and that was it. Because we couldn't trust that they wouldn't act like children. They already threatened to get up and berate mum at his funeral. Dad dissevered to have his life celebrated with friends and family and my mum feels so broken for not being able to give him that.
They never even asked if she was okay to pay for his funeral, or did she need help?
I just feel so tired, like I could sleep forever.
What has helped you cope?
How can I help my mum? She's flown down to stay with me for a little while.
Thanks for listening and I hope I did not trigger anything for anyone.
Much love,
Tate
I'm a first time writer here
I hope you don't mind me writing it out a little.
I am 25 years old, my dad had been sick my entire life, most severely in the last 8 years and we have almost lost him numerous times in the last 2 years. He had many health problems - longer then what they could place on the death certificate, and chronic pain. He truly was suffering.
I am struggling in a few ways.
We had travelled home for Christmas, it was my first one back home (well we stayed at my uncles with my parents) in 5 years. We took along our dog, we were really looking forward to it.
The night before my father passed, my dad was having 2 scotches, talking to my fianc about how he hoped to see us marry ( we are getting married next year in April). He was having a really good night despite how sick we could tell he was. I am thankful he enjoyed his last night.
about 4am my world changed. I saw so much that keeps replaying in my head. My loving dad, he was gone and as hard as we tried we could not save him.
My mum went into hospital the next day with a heart attack herself which they found out to be something called broken heard syndrome. she spent 40 years with my dad and her world had completely fallen apart.
My dad had 2 children from a previous marriage (45 and 49) and they've made this process so difficult. Their hands came straight out, they've tried to accuse my mum of harming him (which is absurd and had been ruled out) because they were left nothing in his will. However because of their accusations dad was given a full autopsy, which was not needed because he was quite a sick man. They've tried telling me we have another brother I know nothing about, my mother knows nothing about and my dad never mentioned, which is irrelevant right now, I can't ask dad if it's true so the only point of telling me is to try and hurt me, which it doesn't I just hope he is a decent guy if it's true and not like these two. My nephew got into my parents house while we weren't there and stole valuable stuff to my dad. I had to tell my mum to stop talking to them, no matter what they threw at her she tried to accommodate them in the funeral, in the entire process but they just kept hurling things at her and ignoring her but then blaming her for not including them? I thought we could grieve together it hurts that we can't.
I felt like a small child in all this, I am an only child to my parents marriage, I had to hold mum together, pick up my dads death certificate, organise the funeral home and guard off these 40+ year old other children from hurting her. While I had my fianc' by my side, and my uncles and aunties I just felt lost you know? Like I should have had a sibling helping me I SHOULD have. But they left me to do it alone.
I am struggling with what I saw that day he died. I'm struggling to help my mum (I was their only child together) in the right way. I'm struggling to know how to deal with these other two who are calling me all the names under the sun and trying to hurt me (and mum) accusing her of wrong doing and trying to contest his will. I'm struggling to know if I can grieve or will I be trying to guard off something else these other two are going to throw at up. My dad will never walk me down the aisle or see my first born which he so desperately wanted. We were close, I'm close to both my parents we talk daily even though I live a state away.
I can't comprehend how people could act this way, how could your first thought even be "what do I get?" truly, how is it even possible? My poor dad didn't even get a funeral, his close family and my mum did a viewing and that was it. Because we couldn't trust that they wouldn't act like children. They already threatened to get up and berate mum at his funeral. Dad dissevered to have his life celebrated with friends and family and my mum feels so broken for not being able to give him that.
They never even asked if she was okay to pay for his funeral, or did she need help?
I just feel so tired, like I could sleep forever.
What has helped you cope?
How can I help my mum? She's flown down to stay with me for a little while.
Thanks for listening and I hope I did not trigger anything for anyone.
Much love,
Tate
First of all welcome to the group! But on the same hand I am sorry for the reasons you sought us out in the first place.
I wish I knew why people fought like this after a family member passes away. I've been lucky. The worst I had was when my father in law asked me and my wife (his daughter) to help him close out his aunt's apartment after she passed away. A cousin of my FIL joined us, but only to see if there were any valuables that were hidden in the place.
(When I found 5 one dollar bills under a carpet I was tempted to count it out as 100, 200, ... 500. Then look at her and say in a straight voice that I was just counting the pennies worth.)
My best guess is that there were lingering hostilities from your father's divorce from his first wife.
Please, PLEASE, get a lawyer to help you go through all of this. Your mother, as his wife at the time of death, has more decision making authority than other people. A good lawyer can listen to you all and help your mother navigate these hostile waters.
I doubt that you can make your half siblings act like adults. But what you can do is listen to them, take note of what they say, and then move on.
As for a funeral, you can hold a memorial service at a later date. Let the anger subside a bit, and then pick and choose who gets invited.
Gentle hugs
We have very good lawyers, so I am thankful for that.
Mum plans to hold a memorial service at a later date I believe. She's just so heartbroken he didn't receive a service at the time. But we both believe we have done the right thing for him. He was only cremated yesterday after 3 weeks since his passing because of the issues the other two have caused.
Thanks for listening!
I'm sorry about your sadness and the inappropriate actions of others.
Writing to you as a widow. Lost my husband 2 years ago. The most valuable times of my life are those spent with my own daughter after his death. The first few weeks she laid with me in bed, knowing that when I woke, the tears and fears were unbearable. Her hugs during those times eased me through that journey. It took about a month before I could calm.
As I write this, tears flow. My daughter did the most priceless treasure a Mom could have....her presence. Not her words of consoling. There are no words that repair the pain. It was her embraces, her aid to drive me places/the memorial, her joining me at holiday functions...and so much more.
Memories like this are more precious than the items other family members obtained. Actions as simple as handing your mom tissues will aid her. Taking on the responsibility to FIX those ill mannered siblings will drain your energies for no reward. Like Pepperman wrote.
This is a depressing journey we all travel, at different points in life. Your mother did a great job raising you confident, so strong to reach out to this support group. Stay on as long as you feel necessary...it helps.
Blessings,
Anne
I feel like I am doing all those things you mentioned so I feel better knowing those are the most valuable. She tells everyone when they call that she doesn't know how she would have coped without me being so strong and that makes me realise just those small things must be helping. That's a big statement too I'm an emotional person I'm even surprised in myself that I could be this strong in such heartache. Usually I fall apart - I feel everything - very "sensitive" my mum used to say (in a nice way).
Thank you for your words from a mothers perspective - it truly helps knowing I am doing the most valuable for her at this time.
Thanks again,
Tate