Bereavement Support Group
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Hi there everyone...just wanted to say I'm sorry for everyone's losses before I tell my story. I understand what it's like...
My mom passed away a month ago tomorrow (June 28), after a year's battle with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She had several chronic health issues prior but nothing terminal. Last October, she officially started hospice care at home, as the spread of it to her lungs progressed even further. Christmas week, she had a scare in which we thought she was going to pass away then due to probable brain damage when a mucus plug got caught in her lungs and her oxygen was low for hours. She was transferred then to the hospital's inpatient hospice unit, however, she made a miraculous turnaround from that. She was discharged to a nursing home with hospice early January. I was her primary healthcare power of attorney; I'm a nurse so it made sense and she wanted it that way. I spent so many nights with her at the nursing home for a while, when I wasn't working after that transfer and I am so grateful to have gotten some good months with her, however we knew it was a waiting game. After Mother's Day, she started declining. I literally can count on 1 hand the nights that I spent in my own bed (outside of when I had to be at work the next morning) because I was always spending the nights at the nursing home, with her. She went through several weeks of being super confused/anxious...was pretty hard to watch her like that. Then the confusion went away but her breathing was still not good, oxygen lower, etc until she lost her fight but gained her home in Heaven.
I'm so at a loss and don't know what to do. It seems like I just saw her yesterday, just held her hand, watched her mouth the words, "I love you more" to me. My mom and I had a rocky relationship when I was a preteen/teenager. I even couldn't stand her for a while but God healed the hurt, I was able to forgive and move on, and I got so much closer with her the past several years. I'm 30 years old, single...no significant other/boyfriend, but I have 4 siblings and some nieces/nephew. But mom was "my person/my world" and I didn't realize exactly how much she meant to me until after she was gone. I wish I had known...I wish I could have told her that. She was the first one I tried to call after I had a bad day and who I call out for when I'm sick and not feeling well. I don't know what my problem is...I still cry all the time and it doesn't seem to get easier or even help anything. Even though everything I've read...that seems to be a normal feeling. But I just feel like first of all, I don't know how to function without her (and that in itself baffles me because I've been living independently for years and I didn't ever need her for physical stuff if that makes sense); but second of all, I don't even want to (even though that's not even a realistic thought). I just want to hold her and tell her I love her and I can't. And then it frustrates me because I feel like I should be able to get a better handle on things outwardly and fall apart afterwards, like I've always done but it seems like I can't even do that anymore.
Is all this normal? I've been trying everything I can think of to get through this but really I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and not see anyone or deal with anyone for a long long time...
My mom passed away a month ago tomorrow (June 28), after a year's battle with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She had several chronic health issues prior but nothing terminal. Last October, she officially started hospice care at home, as the spread of it to her lungs progressed even further. Christmas week, she had a scare in which we thought she was going to pass away then due to probable brain damage when a mucus plug got caught in her lungs and her oxygen was low for hours. She was transferred then to the hospital's inpatient hospice unit, however, she made a miraculous turnaround from that. She was discharged to a nursing home with hospice early January. I was her primary healthcare power of attorney; I'm a nurse so it made sense and she wanted it that way. I spent so many nights with her at the nursing home for a while, when I wasn't working after that transfer and I am so grateful to have gotten some good months with her, however we knew it was a waiting game. After Mother's Day, she started declining. I literally can count on 1 hand the nights that I spent in my own bed (outside of when I had to be at work the next morning) because I was always spending the nights at the nursing home, with her. She went through several weeks of being super confused/anxious...was pretty hard to watch her like that. Then the confusion went away but her breathing was still not good, oxygen lower, etc until she lost her fight but gained her home in Heaven.
I'm so at a loss and don't know what to do. It seems like I just saw her yesterday, just held her hand, watched her mouth the words, "I love you more" to me. My mom and I had a rocky relationship when I was a preteen/teenager. I even couldn't stand her for a while but God healed the hurt, I was able to forgive and move on, and I got so much closer with her the past several years. I'm 30 years old, single...no significant other/boyfriend, but I have 4 siblings and some nieces/nephew. But mom was "my person/my world" and I didn't realize exactly how much she meant to me until after she was gone. I wish I had known...I wish I could have told her that. She was the first one I tried to call after I had a bad day and who I call out for when I'm sick and not feeling well. I don't know what my problem is...I still cry all the time and it doesn't seem to get easier or even help anything. Even though everything I've read...that seems to be a normal feeling. But I just feel like first of all, I don't know how to function without her (and that in itself baffles me because I've been living independently for years and I didn't ever need her for physical stuff if that makes sense); but second of all, I don't even want to (even though that's not even a realistic thought). I just want to hold her and tell her I love her and I can't. And then it frustrates me because I feel like I should be able to get a better handle on things outwardly and fall apart afterwards, like I've always done but it seems like I can't even do that anymore.
Is all this normal? I've been trying everything I can think of to get through this but really I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and not see anyone or deal with anyone for a long long time...
squeaker1231
You sound like you have written my story. My mother died 2 years ago and it has only been the last 3 months I can talk about, read the notes she wrote, being able to look at her gift6. Yes it is normal to cry foreverfeeling like escaping everything was a very few eeling. My mom and I talked every day. It was so difficult when the phone rang. I have a lot of physical issues and she was so accepting of my frustrations and feelin sorry for myself. She could always pick me up and make me appreciate the positive in my life. I am sitting here crying for the first time in about 3 months. Your grief is your alone and don't let any tell you you need to get over it everyone is different. If and when your grief starts to cause feelings of suicide r it interfere with you day to day functioning such as personal hygiene or eating would consider getting some he will pray for you as you walk this path of pain. Know you are not alone.
mylovelymom
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I totally relate to what you are saying. The whole thing, the not wanting to deal with anyone or anything. The loss of meaning, and the love too -- that's the good part. You loved her so much, and that is definitely obvious and it was very mutual. So many times I wish I could just escape and crawl in a hole too. Some people would want to reach out to others and talk about it, for them that's stress relief. I find talking to my sister (who loved my mother dearly) is the only one who makes me feel better. Many kind people have tried to talk to me, but it just reduces me to tears. You are younger than me, really you still have your life totally in front of you. One day, you may meet someone very special, maybe have a family of your own. You have a lot to look forward to and you sound like such a good person. Sometimes I think we just have to accept our feelings and be good to ourselves. Take one day at a time. Peace to You.
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