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On May 22nd,2009 my boyfriend of 12 years killed himself.I found his body and he died in my arms.We were together for 12 years and like every other couple we had problems.Brad was clean and sober for 5 years and we did a lot of things together.i miss that..but I have to tell people what has happened.A few months ago...I encountered one of Brads ex co workers and he did not know that Brad had died.He is another Seattle person here who does not read the paper or watch the news so his knowledge is not that good.He asked how Brad was.I told him.He did not believe me.I asked him..do I have to show you the death certificate? Then he told me has sorry..then he had the gaul to ask...How did Brad DIe? And this question is still a sore point with me.I did not tell him that is was a suicide and Brad had taken his life.I don't now.It is none of his business.To be asked them after 6 and half years shows just how ignorant people can be.So the next time you see me...and ask about Brad....If I do not know..I will simply say that Brad died of natural causes and leave it like that.What would you do?
But there is another side to this.
I did some quick research to find if birth and death certificates are public information. The answer seems to vary from state to state, with some states limiting the information to family (how ever they define that), and then making it public information after a set period of time (mostly measured in decades).
From that quick search, it would appear that in Washington state death certificates are considered public information, but there is a $20 fee.
So did he have the right to know how Brad died? The answer appears to be yes. Do you have an obligation to tell him? I believe that the answer is no.
Was it rude of him to ask? Perhaps, but it is entirely human nature to ask such questions.
Does being out of contact with him for 12 years make it unnatural for him to want to know? My personal answer is no. If somebody told me that a friend from college died (and I graduated more 35 years ago) I would most likely ask how.
How would you have felt if Brad had died from cancer, a heart attack, or a traffic accident? If that would have made it easier for you to answer then please take that into account as you work out how you feel.
As for your answer, 'natural causes' would be untrue. You could tell such a person that Brad's passing still haunts you, and you do not wish to discuss it.
Again I am so very sorry that you were placed in a situation where you got asked that question.
My dad died of an aortic aneurysm. Hadn't been sick until the day he died. I (my whole family) was trying to notify anyone we could think of so that we could start grieving. We were faced with a lot of the disbelief in those initial calls.
Later, people did the same to us... "Hey, how's David?"... well, he died. We also had to fight a lot of utility companies, credit card companies... on and on the list went. A couple of years after he died, we missed the deadline to re-register our dog in our county. A county animal control worker came to the door, wanting to serve a subpoena/fine and asked for David (my dad)... it was like a bad joke.
People are bad at dealing with death... they are bad at knowing what to say, and many are afraid that talking about it too much will cause bad things to happen. Or the opposite, they are far too interested in it and push those of us who have lost to the limit.
I think that you have every right to say that you are not able to discuss the details of his death. I also know that talking about it can be cathartic. So, in any given situation, do what feels right to you, but know that a majority of people are not being malicious. Their lack of knowledge was not an intended slight, nor are their questions. They just haven't had to deal with such a thing yet, and don't have the same ability to put themselves in that place in order to be more sensitive to your needs.
Hugs.
I hope for healing and light for you. Nothing in the grieving process is nice and easy.
Hugs
Hang in there!
Janet
You have stated this many times here by telling us the details of how he died and yet we are complete strangers, but are offended by ppl in your area when they inquire about him and how he died.
I'm just a bit confused and hope you can clarify it for me.
I want to help you, but it appears you are angry at everyone who asks or you are mad because you feel they should know how to respond.
Death is a mystery to everyone. We all muddle through the best we can. Curiosity is normal and I feel it is part of being human and no one means you harm. In fact.....I have found that once you share your story.....ppl tend to be more compassionate and willing to listen.
I have found that ppl do NOT know how to respond, but it is no fault of their own.....it's a very awkward situation.
I agree that ppl should say as little as possible and just be there with a hug and a listening ear......but sadly, not everyone is like that nor will they ever be. I just chalk it up to them being human and move on to those that help me the most.
Again.....I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to make sense of what you are posting.
It is good to vent, cry, or ask questions......so please continue to do so. Just give us a way that we can help you. Perhaps by sharing what would be helpful for you (everyone is individual), we can help you on more efficiently.
Thanks Vadar (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))