This year I turn the magic age.It will be one that I have been waiting for since 1962.In October,I will be 62 and it will be a new beginning for me.Being a senior citizen is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.I dont have any more fears..I dont have anymore nightmares and I am not afraid of the monster under my bed.But I have to admit something that I told my case manager and after I did admit..I started to cry..I must have sobbed for half and hour..because we were talking about my early years and about my father.In November,it will be 22 years that he has been gone and I want to say this to everyone that told me at his funeral...TIME DOES NOT HEAL ALL WOUNDS..ALL TIME DOES IS ACCEPTANCE AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR LOVED ONES ARE GONE AND THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEE OR HEAR THEM AGAIN.I WILL NEVER SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAD..HIS BIRTHDAY IS THE SAME AS BOB DYLANS..MAY 24TH.I will never tell him about my records or the newest sheet music I brought.I will never tell him that he was a great father nor will I ever tell him again that his advice was true.I told my case manager when he asked me if I was lonely..I SAID YES.I have got a loneliness that has never ended and the pain in my heart never ceases.I have not told anyone about this..because in an Italian family you dont.When we are hurting..we dont talk and this is noticeable in The Sopranos.And every day I wake up and I try to do the things that he didnt.My father always had coffee out and he read 2 newspapers a day.He also read many magazines which I still do.I still read 2 books a week and I am reading about the greatest rock band in history..Guns N Roses.I also get up at everday at 4 o clock.I turn on the BBC AND ON THE BBC--they have the news of the day and I take a piece of paper and I write down 2 topics that the seniors will try to discuss at the center.I dont discuss politics.nor do I discuss money..nor do I discuss children..these are subjects that my late father told me are forbidden and they happen to be none of my business.Loneliness can make you sick..you can even die and Guess what? I am making a will.But in my will...things will change.Brad and I are not married and if anything does happen..I am not going to leave him anything.I am going to leave everything that I have to my great nieces and nephews and what is left over will go to charity.Billionaire Warren Buffet made headlines here when he stated this recently.If mr.Buffet does pass...his children will get nothing.I dont know about his company..but Mr.Buffet requested that the reminder of his estate go to charity.And Bill Gates..in his last interview...also stated the same thing.I didnt know that he had 3 children because in seattle..noone has seen them and no pictures of them are showed in the press.Gates told this reporter..that if he dies..his children will only got 1 million dollars a piece and that is enough..I dont know about Microsoft..but Gates has requested his house to go to charity.And as I go to this loneliness..I do feel alone and I do feel abandoned.You see in seattle in the offices here..it is not like New York or Philly.The women in the offices here do not talk and when they do it is only to certain people.You dont know what they are like and you dont know what they are thinking..but I have learned that everyone does not have your good intentions to heart.And in my loneliness..I have learned in time everyone will really be alone..and people can rise above this..but some of them here dont even try.So how are people suppose to know that you are sick and ill? How are people suppose to know that you are being a victim of domestic violence? And why do people tend to shun anyone who doesnt look like them? I am no sleeping beauty..but I do play the lottery and if I win a great deal of money..I am going to go to this plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills because I have always wanted to look like Pamela Anderson of Bay Watch and I have notice beautiful women get the best guys.And with this..I will leave..and I hope and say that this will end..but it never has and it never will.And today I did something that I havent done in 4 1/2/years..I went to Starbucks like I usually do and then I took a walk.There was a bench there.Noone was around.The bench was dry..for it has been raining.I sat on this gray unpainted bench and I put my head down and I wept.
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