Bereavement Support Group
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I had to write this column because tomorrow in the birthday of my favorite niece.She shares her birthday with my favorite rock star..Elvis Presley and she has grown into a fine wonderful person.I have to say this and I hope that I dont offend people.Yesterday..I saw my case manager who is also a social worker who deals with grief.I started to cry about Frank and then he asked how I am doing..I told him that soon it will be 5 years..and the saying that time heals all wounds just hasnt proved to me.In time..you will learn to accept the death and go about your everyday living like I have been doing.You will also try to make new friends and join new clubs..but the reality is this..My sainted brother is deceased and he will never come back.And there has been a big void in my life and noone seems to know how to deal with this.I told my case manager that I have got a hole in my heart and I told him that it just wont heal.And then he said.."Vader...to be truthful..it never does....life is never the same." And in a way hes right.So I am trying to be do the things that Frank couldnt get to do.And I am developing new interests.I have never been to a football game in my life and I have never been to a tailgating party.Frank told me that when I attend a game not to go by myself because they can be bad boys..He also told me that tailgating parties can get loud..but I just want to go and see what it is all about.You cant make friends in seattle today at a bar..It is impossible.But I just want to go..If anyone has gone to a tailgating party or even given one..can they please e mail me? I want to know what to say and do! I cant be like Jerry Springer..You cant say anything today.You cant say things at the top of your head and expect people to like you...there was a mayor in New York in the 1980s..he was mayor of New York for 12 years..His name was Ed Koch and boy was he bossy! Koch was always mouthering off and you cant do this! ANd this is the lesson of the tarot cards today..it states to be careful of speech.You are judged by your speech and if you say the wrong thing..well...even if you are sorry...things will never be the same.But like I said...trying to heal...is hard..Brad is in rehab and I dont tell him any of my personal problems because he has got his own..I cant burden Brad or any one else with my problems..this is the reason why I am seeing a social worker.I have got to go..Kramer is getting ansy..and that means she wants to be fede..Seattle is going to have a very bad rain storm and if you are caught in it..it is no joke trying to get home because the buses here never come on time and when they do..they are crowded.Vader and the cats.Meow!
I will follow though with our plans we had made together because it was our dream but it isn't the same anymore.
I have people around me but yet I feel alone. Outside this website people don't understand or care. Your heart has been broken your life torn apart, and people tell you get over it and move on.
I still feel the pain, I sometimes relive the moments leading up to and when screaming for the paramedics to hurry I was doing CPR for 25 minutes. Taken at 52 I thought we were to grow old together. I believe in God I know My Thomas was so strong in his faith and his belief in God. I think of how he has been embraced by Gods Love and comfort and in his Glory of light. I know Though him and his Love my life was enriched, He taught me alot when we were together and I am still learning even though he isn't here.
I don't know if time actually heals as it just helps you adjust to enrich the memories that are so wonderful about that special loved one who isn't here to share in your life.
I still Love my Thomas and it grows. I know he still Loves me.
I know he is with me but in a different way, I can feel his spirit, he lets me know this because I find his dime that he leaves behind. I hold onto the Love we shared and because of that Love I know there is beauty in the world.
Time comes as time goes and one day it will be my time and my Thomas will be there holding out his hand to guide me to Heavens wonder and Gods Holy light. I will be embraced and be at peace.