My dad died on August 14th of this year. He was 68 (which I feel is too young!). We weren't that close, but had recently reconnected after a 6 year cold war. It's long and complicated, my parents were divorced and extremely voltile. A surprising effect is that it seems that his death has just made me sad and angry....all the time, at everything, and everyone. More angry than sad. However, I'm married, and a mom, and being sad and angry apparently is frowned upon. I just want to disappear and not have to explain to people why I might have snapped at them, or why I don't want to put on a freaking happy face and do the holidays like "normal", or why I really couldn't care less what their day was like.
The crazy thing is, my dad wasn't a huge part of my life, he was an absentee father - my mother was a single mom of 3. He made life, at times, very hard by his unwillingness to to pay child support, his sheer absence, and his insistence to be very vocal about us kids turning 18 so he wouldn't have to deal with us any more. Yet, despite all this, we had a few nice moments in his life, and shared some traditions (like favorite restaurants or food, watching Denver Bronco's football, some other items).
Why can't I just write it off, and get over it?! Especially for someone who probably caused me more greif than joy. For me, his death initially, I feel, didn't affect me as much. Of course I was sad, and shed a lot of tears...but it just seems to be getting worse as the days add on since he died (it probably doesn't help that his birthday is approaching in January).
I just want to not have to deal with anyone for a while so I can process this properly, but I can't really just leave... I have a family now. I hate crying in front of people, I hate having to answer what's wrong, I hate people asking how I feel every day, or if my mood is ok. My son and husband, thankfully have a good relationship - my husband is a very active, involved father. How come something that is supposed to be a possitive for my son's life, piss me off so much?
Thank goodness for Rock Roll. I feel better when my radio is blasted.
There are more people here today. I'm feeling guilty bc last night was harder than I let on when I was asked but I was honest enough to say that today being here is the best I can do. There are 6 women in this group. Not sure why that feels like so much. I'm nervous to be a wreck again today and I just want to fast forward to the weekend so I can rest. But I'm also terrified for the weekend bc I...
hi, i got this site suggested by the book bipolar 101. i hope this works out for me