Bereavement Support Group

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Death & Dying
/ Bereavement Support Group

I'm just so angry all the time.....

Highvox1
Highvox1

My dad died on August 14th of this year. He was 68 (which I feel is too young!). We weren't that close, but had recently reconnected after a 6 year cold war. It's long and complicated, my parents were divorced and extremely voltile. A surprising effect is that it seems that his death has just made me sad and angry....all the time, at everything, and everyone. More angry than sad. However, I'm married, and a mom, and being sad and angry apparently is frowned upon. I just want to disappear and not have to explain to people why I might have snapped at them, or why I don't want to put on a freaking happy face and do the holidays like "normal", or why I really couldn't care less what their day was like. 


The crazy thing is, my dad wasn't a huge part of my life, he was an absentee father - my mother was a single mom of 3. He made life, at times, very hard by his unwillingness to to pay child support, his sheer absence, and his insistence to be very vocal about us kids turning 18 so he wouldn't have to deal with us any more. Yet, despite all this, we had a few nice moments in his life, and shared some traditions (like favorite restaurants or food, watching Denver Bronco's football, some other items). 


Why can't I just write it off, and get over it?! Especially for someone who probably caused me more greif than joy. For me, his death initially, I feel, didn't affect me as much. Of course I was sad, and shed a lot of tears...but it just seems to be getting worse as the days add on since he died (it probably doesn't help that his birthday is approaching in January).


I just want to not have to deal with anyone for a while so I can process this properly, but I can't really just leave... I have a family now. I hate crying in front of people, I hate having to answer what's wrong, I hate people asking how I feel every day, or if my mood is ok. My son and husband, thankfully have a good relationship - my husband is a very active, involved father. How come something that is supposed to be a possitive for my son's life, piss me off so much? 


Thank goodness for Rock Roll. I feel better when my radio is blasted. 

Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
I am so very sorry for your loss. And I do agree with you, holidays and birthdays are hard times when it comes to letting go of one who has passed.

I have some friends who have lost a family member when they were either not on great terms, or had just started to get back together. In a sense not only do they have to mourn the passing of whom ever, but they also mourn the fact that they could never have that relationship that they wanted to have, should have had, and could have had if only ...

You say that you resent your son having a good relationship with his dad. Do you think that you resent that he has what you did not? If so, and there is nothing wrong with that, then confront those emotions. Getting to a point where you are happy for your son and your husband is a great step in recovering from the loss of your father.

People in our lives can be a source of support, and they can be a source of aggrivation. Sounds like some of them are getting under your skin. Perhaps if you just tell them that you just lost your father about a half year ago. You had a complicated relationship, and you are working your way through it with a small group of people. And that you appreciate them being a source of calm that is outside of your bereavement process. Make sure that they understand that for you, having a "non mourning group" that does not talk about how it is going really helps.

Gentle hugs, and yes, there is a better place for you. YOU get to define it. And there is a way to get from here to there.
thecrackeddishb
thecrackeddishb
I've found anger to be part of my grief process. It's not always something that is helpful but it does seem to be part of my grief bag. As the years have passed with my losses I find some things will come up again and again.....even when I thought oh that's over....or they weren't that a big deal in my daily life. Now I just try to see and feel the emotions and not let them overwhelm the present or mess something up. Which is for me the hardest part. I try to understand my own anger and say....Uhm that might be strange but it's what I feel and let it go if I can instead of letting it mess up my present. I wish you luck with it.....I know it's hard. Thank goodness for distractions of music and friends and activities right.
Highvox1
Highvox1
Thank you both for the comments. I really appreciate the insights and different prospective. I haven't always been one to have many who are that close to talk to. I have never really had that with people in person in my life. I have always thought the completely unbiased advice from the internet universe has served me better, So thank you! It is truly helpful.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you High.... I am really sorry for your loss.... My Father and I had a lot of unsolved 'issues' as well when he passed and I felt angry.... I still do at times when I think of the things that I never addressed
Anger is one of the 'stages of grief'.... Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has written amazing books on death and dying... Addressing the stages of grief is part of it and we can often get 'stuck' in a stage
I found that I also was effected by survivors guilt.... How could I have a good time if I really loved this person.... How long a person grieves whether it's a month or years has nothing to do with how much you loved this person
I don't think we really get over losing someone we love... We do though find a way to work through the pain... Big hug and a blessing....xo
ComplicatedGrief
ComplicatedGrief
Im sorry for your loss. I never really allowed myself to feel the affects of my mum's death until i realised i was angry at her for leaving me. Although every relationship is different, anger is so often part of grieving. But a therapist once explained to me that anger is an emotion which is often a slightly easier emotion to feel than vulnerable emotions and often is a cover up emotion for deeper, sometimes harder, emotions. For me, i realised it was really loss, abandonment and loneliness i was feeling that was coming up as anger but for others it may be different. I hope this helps and remember not to be too hard on yourself, you're just in pain and that's why you are feeling and acting like this. Try to love yourself with all your emotions and all your feelings. Its something i struggle with a lot but really helps x
Highvox1
Highvox1
Thank you both. You both have really good points.
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