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I'm maybe just venting here, but I would love someone to tell me if I'm losing the plot.
I don't have a very close relationship with any of my family. My Mark was my family and the kids. We created our bubble away from family because of their self-destructive negative attitudes - his and mine.
None of us kids have close contact with each other or our parents (my side of the family) - I have 2 older brothers.
My mother disappears out of my life for 5 - 7 year stretches with no contact. 1. When I got married. 2. When my son was 1 year old. 3. When my hubby got ill. She did not even come to his funeral. My dad saw me the day after he died but also did not come to the funeral.
She is judgemental of how I live my life, raise my kids, etc. Since I married she has disapproved. Before I would have gone out of my way to make her happy, comfortable. When she now leaves I don't reach out anymore.
Till she heard about Mark dying. Then she naturally assumed she could move in with me and take over telling me how to live my life.
I told her I am managing fine and don't need her interference. I already have my dad living with me, unemployed, and resentful as if he is now looking after me. He walks around the house moping about how tough his life is!! What irritates me is that he didn't move in with me to help me, he moved in with me because he thinks it's a free ride. Although he does help take the kids to school. He has no income, no pension, hasn't provided for his future AT ALL!
So today it came to a head. I told her we wanted her in our lives, but she needs to respect boundaries. Treat us with respect if she wants it returned and she may no longer use me as her emotional punch bag. I want positive people in my life. I cannot be responsible for consequences of my family's actions. At some point I need to let them burn their own bridges.
I told my dad if he wants to stay he needs to pay towards the cost of him being there. He needs to get a job. I want to buy a place of my own for the kids and me. And I simply can't afford a place with a flatlet to accommodate a 4th person. I want my space to be with my kids, live my life with freedom, grieve in my own space.
My husband warned me - he was so worried because I have never stood up to any of my family. I rather avoid the pain of confrontation. Now all I'm doing is laying down the boundaries. Having to push people away when I should be welcoming support. But they're not there for me or the kids at all, just for what they can get.
And I'm tired. My soul is tired. I was doing so well. Now I'm in tears all over again. All because I'm not prepared to be the sucker to pay for her medication every month. I'm already providing for one parent. Who by the way resents being there. My brother has offered for my mom to live with him, but since she doesn't approve of his life, she insists on being on her own. She is not well. She falls a lot. And frankly she is not old enough (66) to be this full of nonsense.
How do you protect people from themselves? How do I protect myself? I have had no support from any of my family / in-laws since Mark died. He told me I'd be on my own but I never realised he would be this right. And I always did so hate it when he was right. :)
I feel so alone. And scared.
I don't have a very close relationship with any of my family. My Mark was my family and the kids. We created our bubble away from family because of their self-destructive negative attitudes - his and mine.
None of us kids have close contact with each other or our parents (my side of the family) - I have 2 older brothers.
My mother disappears out of my life for 5 - 7 year stretches with no contact. 1. When I got married. 2. When my son was 1 year old. 3. When my hubby got ill. She did not even come to his funeral. My dad saw me the day after he died but also did not come to the funeral.
She is judgemental of how I live my life, raise my kids, etc. Since I married she has disapproved. Before I would have gone out of my way to make her happy, comfortable. When she now leaves I don't reach out anymore.
Till she heard about Mark dying. Then she naturally assumed she could move in with me and take over telling me how to live my life.
I told her I am managing fine and don't need her interference. I already have my dad living with me, unemployed, and resentful as if he is now looking after me. He walks around the house moping about how tough his life is!! What irritates me is that he didn't move in with me to help me, he moved in with me because he thinks it's a free ride. Although he does help take the kids to school. He has no income, no pension, hasn't provided for his future AT ALL!
So today it came to a head. I told her we wanted her in our lives, but she needs to respect boundaries. Treat us with respect if she wants it returned and she may no longer use me as her emotional punch bag. I want positive people in my life. I cannot be responsible for consequences of my family's actions. At some point I need to let them burn their own bridges.
I told my dad if he wants to stay he needs to pay towards the cost of him being there. He needs to get a job. I want to buy a place of my own for the kids and me. And I simply can't afford a place with a flatlet to accommodate a 4th person. I want my space to be with my kids, live my life with freedom, grieve in my own space.
My husband warned me - he was so worried because I have never stood up to any of my family. I rather avoid the pain of confrontation. Now all I'm doing is laying down the boundaries. Having to push people away when I should be welcoming support. But they're not there for me or the kids at all, just for what they can get.
And I'm tired. My soul is tired. I was doing so well. Now I'm in tears all over again. All because I'm not prepared to be the sucker to pay for her medication every month. I'm already providing for one parent. Who by the way resents being there. My brother has offered for my mom to live with him, but since she doesn't approve of his life, she insists on being on her own. She is not well. She falls a lot. And frankly she is not old enough (66) to be this full of nonsense.
How do you protect people from themselves? How do I protect myself? I have had no support from any of my family / in-laws since Mark died. He told me I'd be on my own but I never realised he would be this right. And I always did so hate it when he was right. :)
I feel so alone. And scared.
I know it is hard, but the boundaries you gave your parents are spot on.....now stick to the boundaries you have set (it is tough, but they are adults and responsible for themselves even tho they are acting like victims).
Give your dad a time frame of when he is to get a job and start contributing. Start looking for alternatives if he should not follow through so that when that day comes.....he will have another place to go.
Unfortunately, your parents and others may try to manipulate you with guilt or throw tantrums, so be prepared......and by all means....stick to your boundaries. It's called tough love.
I am taking care of my elderly mom who has no boundaries. I finally laid down the law (she lives in an independent living facility) and she screamed and kicked at first.....but after a 10 day no contact......she finally got the message loud and clear that I meant what I said (she speak to me respectfully, and treat me with kindness).
It is not an easy road, but it is much more manageable when boundaries are firmly set in place and enforced.
No one sent either me or my mom the memo that the roles reversed (I became the adult and the elderly parent(s) became the child).....it just kinda happened.
I am thankful for the opportunity to turn the hardship into a reason to grow as a person and spiritually (I'm not religious).
I've learned some very important lessons and I am better for it :)
I meditate daily becuz I suffered from anxiety from all the insanity and dysfunction I grew up with and then married into. It has made such a difference in my life that I can not imagine life without meditation and gratitude.
Yeah....my mom is still crazy and don't even get me started with my grown kids. Since I put boundaries in place and do meditation.....it doesn't bother me as much....and sometimes not at all.
You take care of you and your kids. Show them what a strong woman you are (trust me....you are). They are watching you. So be sure that you are able to take care of yourself.....and love yourself.
Chin up......shoulders back......stand up straight......you are loved!
(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))
Is there anywhere that you can get into a local FTF support group where you will have ppl to prop you up when you feel like falling down? Even a readers group or something where you can find a like-minded friend.
My story is similar - DH and I are "us against the world" and I know I have to let other ppl in before I find myself alone at some point. That too is very hard to do.
You have my online support (for what that's worth) in standing up to your family. Sometimes you have to just keep picking the leeches off in order to survive.
I divorced my husband and my kids did not like my boundaries and so they all left.
However, new ppl (just a few) have come into my life and it has made all the difference in the world. I finally have peace and plenty of love :)
I also learned the word "No" and feel better about myself. I take care of me and actually love myself (flaws and all) for the first time in my life.
God Speed ((((((((Hugs)))))))))
Tell your father to find another living accommodation. Call social services, most States have departments for those over age 55 who can help a person find HUD assisted living and also can intervene by sending a psychiatric nurse into your home once a week to be with your Dad (not intrusively), help him to make the transition, calm the relationship between him and you, and advise you regarding his mental state. I did this for my "mother" the last time she lived with me and my daughter, and it was very helpful. As for your mother, I can only repeat to you what was said to me by a friend. My daughter and I moved from Long Island to upstate NY; my "mother" was in a wonderful assisted living facility on Long Island (and I mean wonderful, my Doctor's mother was in there) but not paying her full rent because she needed cosmetics (at age 90!) but, when we moved, I thought I should at least give her the opportunity to be closer to her grand daughter so I found an even more wonderful assisted living facility (in a victorian house, I would move in there!) and invited her. She told me the lunch menu was "laughable"; my friend said to me "Are you out of your f*****ng mind asking this woman back into your life???" She was correct. It was a huge error. Parent your children, you've learned what NOT to do. Much love to you.
It's true. I insist on pulling people back into my life that are going along quite well on their own and that's where they need to stay.
Peace!
xx