On January 22nd,it will be 20 months since I lost my Brad.It was one of the most horrible days of my life.Brad was almost dead when I found him.He died in my arms and I will never forget it.And for 20 months I have been a virkual prisoner in this house.I had a great deal of problems and the wonderful advice i got on DS has helped me.I hate the winter time.It is a horrible season in seattle.It is so cold here and the buses and the bus shelters aint so warm either.I love seattle and will be here for 16 years in May..But i have realized that Brad isnt coming back and it is foolish to even think so.I have keep in touch with people and I still go out everyday for coffee and read the paper.The doctor told me that I cant work full time anymore as I got run down doing this Xmas.My blood count is low so I have to build myself up and he told me to get out and do the things that I have always loved to do.Today is a special day.It is my godchilds birthday.She will be 44 years old and today is the 76th birthday of Elvis Presley.And today for the first time since Brads death..i am going out.I am going to see Grease at the Paramount Theater.And I want everyone to know that as of Monday..I joined the Senior Center.You have to be 62 or older to join here and that goes for thehousing.I have a shrine for Brad in the house and noone else can see it.I will always mourn Brad and I still cry everyday.I still cry because I blame myself.It was partly my fault.And the pain of losing Brad will always be there.And for the first time in several years,I got my hair cut and guess what? I am wearing makeup again and I feel good about it.I have decided to go back to my vocal lessons.I may not be in one of these talents shows,but i have been surrounded my music all of my life.This Xmas season was hard on me as i realized that I must move on.There is a saying that said thatTime heals all wounds.Whoever said this doesnt know what they are talking about.All Time has done for me has made me realize that I have to build my life without Brad.All Time has done has made me realize that I must accept his death.And the 45th high school reunion is just a lark.At this stage of the game,I am not interested in going.I met the love of my life in 1962.I was 15 and he was 20.And for 49 years I thought and now I realize that I have loved an illusion.I wanted him to be the same way that he was 20 and this isnt possible.I have been a sentimental olde fool because noone is the same like they were when they were 20.I have realized this that all relationships do not end in marriage and those that do are very fortunate but all of the people that I have met have been divorced after 20 and 30 years and the woman is the loser.Divorced women in seattle just live below the poverty level.And their income has gone down,.There is also the job market.And since my income was below the poverty level I have decided to look for a reasonable part time job.I have to support myself and pay for all of the bills.There will never be anyone who will rescue me.This isnt possible.Noman or woman should be responsbile for your bills.Bills are part of life and it is something that noone can control.I now have enough money to pay for the bills and it took me a long time.And I just cant go back to the way I was living and I refuse to date.All of the men that I have seen at the dance were losers.Some of them have got very severe problems and I have met a lot of single parents.I have nothing against single parenthood and single grandparent hood,but guys it may interest you that some women just are not looking for an instant family.Kids and grandkids and being a stepparent are not going to be part of my immediate future.I refuse to pay other peoples bills.I cant.I just have enough for myself.And as for travel,there are places that I dont want to go and I hate the beach.i also hate the sun and sunbathing and sunlamps and the like.I am not an outdoors person.Before he died,Brad wanted to go camping and this was our first time.And it was also my last because the experience was horrible.Brad decided at the last minute to go.We went on The Washington Coast to the town of Kaloch.It was a long drive and we arrived at night.And since he didnt make any reservations we had to drive around for an open camp site.We finally found one and Brad wasnt working so I had to pay for the camp site.There were no tents available.All we had was the space.And there was also no food.They did not even have vending machines.And so were hungary.This town doesnt even have a Macdonalds.And so we spent the night in the car and it was freezing.A couple who were veterans campers made us some hot dogs and this is all we had.Brad asked the guide if there was a liquor store and came back with a bottle.It was so cold and I was freezing and Brad had the bottle in his coat.I slept in the car night and it was scary.I didnt know these people.Brad knows that I go to Starbucks every day for coffee but some of these people did not strike me right.Some of them were freaky.I couldnt wait for the next day and it was a 5 hour trip home and when I arrived home and I saw the cats..we were do excited.Brad and I were both sick.We both came down with a touch of the flue.I will never camp again and I wont.Brad was sober for five years and I still to this day dont know what has happened.I still blame myself because I didnt see this depression.I dont know how long I am going to live or where the rest of my life is going.But I am going to pursue my music like I did before I met Brad and noone or I mean noone can tell me that I cant.I dont need other peoples permission.And I will end to all of you...I have decided to move on.I am doing things that I couldnt do when Brad was alive.Life is Gods gift and we must live it to the fullest and that means doing what we life.And to all on Daily Strength I say thank you...You have helped me during my darkest hour and I will continue writing for daily strength and offering my advice.Grief is still with me and I still cry everyday..but noone sees me and thats the way it should be.I wll write about the show tomorrow as I prepare for my day.I brought new clothes for this and this is the beginning of my new life.Once again to all....thanks and remember grief will always be with you but once you discover what you life you should pursue it and this is what i am doing.I am going to end it here.Vader and the cat.