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On May 22nd,2009 my boyfriend of 12 years committed suicide.Brad has
a secret life and it was shocking to hear all of the details from his
deceased sister and the police.It caused a trauma in me that I still cant recover from the grief.There is an old saying that Time Heals All Wounds.Whoever said this,I would like to put my foot where the sun dont shine.Time for me hasnt healed.I miss Brad and i miss all of our time we had together.I miss the pizza.I miss his corny jokes and I miss his arms around me when he would reassurance me.Noone can do this for me.I have began to do volunteer work and I am hoping to get a part time job and when I work..I feel so much better and i hope that this job comes.But I dont think so.My depression is evident.Brads favorite song
was I am a Rock by Simon and Garfunkel.For I will end with verses from the song....And a Rock feels no pain and an island never cries and I will
always feel like a freak and outcast because I am one.Vader.
a secret life and it was shocking to hear all of the details from his
deceased sister and the police.It caused a trauma in me that I still cant recover from the grief.There is an old saying that Time Heals All Wounds.Whoever said this,I would like to put my foot where the sun dont shine.Time for me hasnt healed.I miss Brad and i miss all of our time we had together.I miss the pizza.I miss his corny jokes and I miss his arms around me when he would reassurance me.Noone can do this for me.I have began to do volunteer work and I am hoping to get a part time job and when I work..I feel so much better and i hope that this job comes.But I dont think so.My depression is evident.Brads favorite song
was I am a Rock by Simon and Garfunkel.For I will end with verses from the song....And a Rock feels no pain and an island never cries and I will
always feel like a freak and outcast because I am one.Vader.
Your feelings really speak that Brad is still that same treasure to you that you knew him as in life, and its fine to stay in that frame of mind, no harm there. Whats not fair to you is that his life ended in such a heart-wrenching way, and its devastating you. Yet, as you know, it has been several years of emotional turmoil for you, and all is not well, so you must find a useful way to unload this agony and pain. The great things to your situation are that you try to stay active with volunteer work and do seek part-time employment, which, by the way, I do hope for you to find work. The sense of it all is to seek and obtain comfort and relief of disturbing feelings and thoughts.
I somehow feel that overtime your very active memories of Brad have just tied up your compassionate feeling of him, like aggravating strong knots in a cord, and this situation has made it difficult for you to untie and move ahead or be free of anguishing emotions. Where you desire to be now is settled within loving memories of Brad, yet not with hurtful, harming emotional backlash. What Im saying is that its okay to think of the good times you both shared, but at the same time you really should be comfortable while doing so, and avoid always remembering the negative side of his death. First of all, you have to find the encouragement and strength to prioritize your thoughts of him. What thoughts are screaming the loudest for attention? Are they the pitiful, depressing thoughts where you think of the details of Brad committing suicide, or the kind and loving thoughts where you sit and enjoy pizza and corny jokes? I assume that the hurtful thoughts are what scream to your mind, at first. And this fact is not all that condemning; you have hope to overcome; because what you do with the fearsome, hurtful thoughts is to translate them into your mind as what is greatest for the comfort of your mental and emotional health needs. For example, instead of remembering Brads life as secret and shocking, see his life as though he experienced the ups and downs as best he could, as we all encounter some bad patches or speed bumps as we live; as humans, we dont always make the best choices; however this is natural life, and life is not always open to view for others critical or useful advice, some things are secretive by necessity, and not necessarily because we are ashamed or embarrassed. Shocking at times? Yes, life is shocking at certain times. And the details and trauma of how he died is shocking but not that uncommon. Shocking events happen every day; thats just life. We have to somehow roll with the punches. We have to make a progressive difference when dealing with the stuff that makes us want to back away and drop-down our defenses; it a human feeling to what to retreat, but we have to move ahead. Brad lived by the best that he could give to life, and its best to honor his life by not focusing on his weakness and undesirable choices.
Take all the time you need to find your healing, but stay encouraged to move along at your designated comfort level. Brad would have you to stay focused on the better part of your relationship, and not the sad things. If your thoughts start to make sense to you, and you feel hopeful, then you are healing. Hugs!