I stopped blaming myself.It will be a year on the 22nd of May.He was all I had and i do miss him.I miss his big arms that he used to hug me with.I miss the way that he called me honey.I miss the way that he cleaned the house and i miss him.The minister told me that people who committ suicide often leave signs.I was just so foolish to avoid this.The first thing that Brad did was start to give away some of his things.I was foolish not to see this.Brad collected a lot of stuff and then he started to give them away.But what made me wonder was when on 2/6/2009...he had Tuffy put to sleep.Tuffy was his cat.She loved him very much.But she had cancer and was in great pain.Tuffy began to go to the bathroom outside of the litter box and on the last day...she passed blood.When Brad saw the blood..he told me that this was it.But for the past two months,Brad and i were always cleaning up.Then he told me that he was tired of doing this.Tuffy loved him and on the 6th of February when he did this...I knew he was in serious trouble.Tuffy is buried in our yard and when he came home with her body...I just knew that Brad was losing it.Brad was on unemployment and was paid every week.He was suppose to go for 26 weeks.From the 6th of February til April...Brad went on a spending spree.He began to spend a great deal of money and I asked him where he was getting it.Thats when the abuse started.He began to hit and slap me when he could and then the phone calls started.Brad and i began to get a series of mysterious phone calls.They would hang up when they heard my voice and only spoke to Brad.One day this person called constantly that Brad and I had to disconnect the phone.He would not tell me who this person was.After Brads death....the calls stopped.I had thenumber changed and now I have peace.I still dont know what he was in and where all this money came from.He would get very nasty with me and i had to buy him the booze.He was losing it.And I found out the other day that Brad was in a crack house two weeks before he died.He was smoking crack from May 8th until his death and I didnt know what it was.Before he died,.he called me into his room and held my hand and said this"Honey...I was with bad people.These people are not my friends.These people are bad.They are hurting me.What should I do?"I told him to stop his drinking and go into rehab again.Brad never learned his lesson.Brad was 49 and was in 12 rehabs.He would get drunk,spend time in jail and then go to rehab.Then he would be sober for one year and work at the union hall and this went on for years.Brad had a very good job.He didnt want me working.When he was sober he was making 42,000.00 a year in the state of Washington.I stayed home and took care of the house and the cats.When I worked I came home late and the dinner wasnt made and the cats were not fed.Brad was a very good cook and he was a very handsome guy.And to all if I have offened everyone that 9 th step of AA Is you ask for forgiveness.So I am asking forgiveness for being blunt and coming to the point but in Brooklyn...New York the bosses dont like people who say"yes sir,' all the time.When they ask you a question...they want a direct answer.And like I said..I am sorry and In April of 2009...I was diagnosed with Bi Polar Mania 2 and with a new doctor was given new medication and i feel so much better and in april of 2009....I announced to the world....I HAVE BEATEN MENTAL ILLNESS.But my victory wasnt celebrated at home.Brad wasnt impressed.In fact,he told me that he wanted to throw me out and take the cats and how stupid I was.He was cold and mean.I knew the end was coming and I will never again fall in love.I spend 12 and half years with Brad and I wonder now if i made a mistake.When he was sober,he was so charming and not so bad.We did things together as a couple.We used to do the food shopping together and once he took me dancing.We used to take walks together and we would feed the stray cats of Ballard.He was happy and till this day I wonder what happened.But now I know that Brad was sick and in so much pain and I am still wondering what I did wrong.But i must carry on and live the rest of my life without him.A life with Brad and it hurts.I have forgiven Brad.