In january my grandmother had a stroke and she was not expected to live through it but she did. even though she survived it she was not the same. after the stroke her throat swelled and she was not able to swallow. they tried to insert a tube but in order to do that she had to be sedated. so they sedated her and she coded. they were able to bring her back but it was really traumatic on her body. the doctors told our family that if she coded or stroked again that she could end up in a coma. she started to get better and was able to eat again but she had to stay in a nursing home. my grandfather went to visit her every day. every day my family was there by her side. because my grandmother was in the nursing home and she was not the same person anymore the stress of it all took its tole on my grandfather and he started neglecting his own health. He died on April 1st from an anurism and heart attack. My family was devastated. Later that month we found out that the foster son that we had for two years and who we were trying so desperatly to adopt was going to be adopted by another family. we were told that it was because they did not want him so close to his bio mother but both my dh and I think that is a crock of bull. we were later told that the reason we were unable to adopt him was because his bio family did not like us but would not tell us why. we were also told that we would be able to see and contact him but because of his bio family we have been unable to do this. we finally managed to get a visit by begging his case worker but because of the reaction we got from the adoptive family I got the impression that we would never see him again. we have not been allowed to contact him since. the day after that my grandmother died. that was on July 2nd she had suffered for a long time. unlike my grandfathers death her death was different. it was like a releaf. she had suffered for so long. the day of my grandmothers prayer service I lost my job. I thought i was going to have a nervous breakdown. i barely had time to greve a loss and another loss comes along. i have never been so devastated in all of my life. i did not know how i was going to go on. i wanted to kill myself to stop the pain. luckily i was able to speak with a councellor and my family. my father told me to stop crying about it and pick myself up and get out there and get a different job. at first i was mad at him for saying this but i began to realize that he was right. i was not going to get anywhere feeling sorry for myself and i needed to look at my job loss as a new oportuniity to start a different career. It has been tough but i have been searching for a new job and i have some definite leads so hopefully by the end of this week i will have a job. I am still devastated by all of my loss though. i am getting by though and it is like my family said, i now have to start living a new kind of normal. I have to start living a life now that is different and without my grandparents there. For the longest time I was mad at God and i was not even able to go to church but thanks to my church I am able to have a special minister come to my home and help me and help me get back into the church again eventually. I am getting by day by day. each day has its ups and downs. but with my family at my side i am able to get through it. my family will always be there for me and each other. sometimes my depression hits me at different times of the day. sometimes i will see something that reminds me of them or of my fosterson and i just cry and cry. i tell myself that crying is ok and that it is something that I should do. so if i feel like crying when i am in a store then I just go out to the car or to a private place and let myself cry. I am getting better but i will never be completely healed.