So my mom passed way in sept 2018. She was the best mom you could ask a for. She hated my job thinking it was dangerous but still supported me just for example. She was literally my best friend. She understood me and made me feel loved even when i know i didnt deserve it. I had 'girly days' with her even though im not girly, when i got the urge to shop or get my nails/hair done, id go with her. I know i am SUPER LUCKY to be close to both my parents but mothers day was super hard bc i would alway hide cards for her to find though out her day n used dry easer markers to write extra notes all over the house. Dad and her were married 34 years and he says she was his soulmate. I have never found the kind love they had (truly believe its not in the cards for me and i am totally ok with that) but i believe it exists bc they were proof. He isnt talker so even though i have never written anything online except reviews on amazon... i thought id try this. People always say "at least shes in a better place" which i feel is bs bc i dont belief in that stuff, or "it just takes time" but i dont think if will ever stop hurting. Sometimes the only thing that stops me from just ending it is i dont wanna dad alone. She was very sick and dad and i took care of her, now sometime idk what to do with myself. I have never been a cryer but i find myself crying a lot when im alone. I feel guilty i couldnt do more, i didnt see the signs eariler, i sometimes got frustrated with her bc i was tired or whatever. I blame my brother who was staying with her before she got sick. He didn't relieze something was wrong until apparently she collapsed. She was there to help him but i know if she had be home i would have seen something sooner bc i knew others who were sick with very similar things. I would have seen the signs for sure. But he didnt even see she was yellow and i meant yellow like a sunflower or something until the doctors pointed it out. How in the heck does that happen! I know i have to let go of this feelings but i cant right now. I feel like i hate him... and of course theres more history with him but i feel this was it, im done with him. On top of this my moms older sister who she didnt even like/trust and whom ive never liked since a little girl, keeps freaking writing me even though i NEVER answer. I want to tell her to stop but i know no matter how i say it shes gonna start drama in the family. Not that i care what they think but i dont want it hurt my my grandparent or have backlash on my dad.