Bereavement Support Group

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Death & Dying
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how to help the grieving by vader

vader
vader
How do you help the grieving? Is there any good advice? How can us co-workers and friends help? I have got a few suggestions that help you during this time.The first thing that you can do is to express your sympathy and that will be all.Do not ask personal questions.The questions..How did he or she die? or Did he/she leave you any money? are personal and they are none of your business.Anyone who wants to know such things might as well work for Jerry Springer.Grief is a very traumatic thing and we do not want to be sadly reminded of it.If the person is someone who you work with and not one whom you know well..do yourself a big favor and send a card.Show your co worker that you do care at this time and that you will do the job for them as of well.If you are doing a house call..please be polite when the minister,priest or rabbi comes do not stay.They are not there to see you.Leave! And on the day of the funeral,do yourself a favor and come early.Do not make yourself known.If it is a memorial service,please dress nice.No jeans or loud makeup at all.Do not try to distract from the people who are going thru agony.And when the grieving people finish the service and they offer do not bring a cake.How about a casserole?How about something that will bring back nourishment? And the week that follows,call and come on over.Bring groceries.Hire a maid cleaning service to do the house and never say anything bad even if it somewhat true.And if they have a shrine in the parlour and else where..it is none of your business.Let them alone.You have done your share.
deleted_user
deleted_user
What is needed is a hug.It is after the furneral or memorial service that we need people to smile and give us a hug.Because we are still hurting,and will for a long time.I find people thinking i should be ok....not.It took almost 3 years to disover I was not crying as much after mother died,then my son died.What I appriciate more than anything else is a hug and the person tell me it WILL be ok.Don't know when but I know it will.My granddaughter wore hot pink to her dad's service and people said something,well that is a child who is going through her grief.I wore a red toop and black pants but I am plder,and I new my son.......he would have said mom it is summer just wear shorts.lol.The nicest part was seeing my great granddaughter walk up to the pastor while he was doing the service.We all smiled cause she was 18 months old and did not feel any hurt or pain like the est of us did.God knew what he was doing......patty
deleted_user
deleted_user
Vader, good advice! Another thing, don't ever suggest to the person grieving that it is time to "deal with it" or to "move on". Only if (hopefully never) you have gone through the tragedy, would you understand that they will never "get over it"--they will be forever changed. My only child committed suicide last year and it was unbelievable how many stupid comments were made to me only months after. If you can't think of something to say--just a "hug" and an "I'm so sorry" will help.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Great advice! I'd like to add sometimes you don't need to say anything, maybe a I'm here whenever you need me, to talk or run errands etc. I remember the first time I went to the grocery store to buy food for myself all alone. I broke down in the middle of the frozen food isle, it hurt so much not pick up his favorite food items, I wished someone would have voluntered to go shopping for me. You never can know all the "little" triggers someone is dealing with. And if you get a call from the breaved, just listen! let them vent or cry it though.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Lots of good advice here. One thing though, when the family of the deceased is Jewish and sitting shiva, it is custom to bring sweets not casseroles etc. The sweets are in rememberance of the person's sweet qualities and to give the mourners hope for sweetness again in the future.

Now that I've experienced a close death personally I understand better what to do when someone else experiences a death. I so appreciate people who let me talk about Mike. I don't go on forever but when I'm having a conversation and I think of Mike, I'll say something like "Oh I wish Mike were here. He could fix that computer for us." It just comes naturally. I also find it better if someone just acknowledges my loss rather than ignoring it. I've run into some past clients who have told my other friends that they didn't say anything for fear of upsetting me. I'd much rather they just offer their sympathies quickly than pretend nothing happened; that hurts me more. And it's never too late to say something or send a card, no matter how long after the death is.

I don't think all advice works for everybody, but there are so many good ideas here for people who are looking for some.

Sandi, for me it was the cereal aisle where I realized I'd never buy his oatmeal again. And it's happened in so many places - pretty much the first time I go somewhere that we used to go together. We had a favorite diner we went to all the time and I haven't been able to set foot there since (6 months).

Sue
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thankyou for putting this post up.. i had some horrendous things said to me after my mum passed away even within the first few hours .. ie .. "i wouldn't be that upset if it was my parent".. and "you should go out for a drink it will take your mind off it" and "you have to move on". one friend said " i know how you feel i lost my auntie a while back i only met her once 25 years ago" how does that compare with my mum?

Even the day of mums funeral "what was the food like" then the person laughed when i said i was up at 7am making it .. i'm embarrassed to say that some of these quotes were from my boyfriend at the time.. (he is now very much history)

i cannot believe some people can be so cruel and downright heartless.

i only had one person help me through and she was a godsend would she let me go on and on and about mum and cry for hours and would make me food cups of tea.. she is now my closest friend in the world.. i really don't know what i would have done without her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Great advice. We neeed compassion, time, and an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. And hugs; how Ilong for them. I dont have alot of huggers in my life; so I ask God to hug me when I need one.