Bereavement Support Group

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Lois11 04/19/2011

We will be having a Memorial Celebration of Life for my husband on the 30th. It hit me tonight that we haven't explained to my 5 year old grandson that his Poppa and best buddy was cremated..He hasn't liked to come over to our house since Poppa passed I think it's because he isn't here.. Well he is but little one doesn't know that that box/urn above the TV in the china cabinet holds his Poppa's ashes..I said to my daughter tonight I think we need to tell her son that is Poppa..
Now comes the hard part explaining that Poppa was cremated.. I've read some things about explaining they say to tell them that the body was put in a special room and a process was done and that Poppa was turned into ashes..If he wants to see them to show them to him.. Heck I don't want to see my husband like that neither does our Daughter..
Has anyone else had to explain cremation to a little one? What did you say?

deleted_user 04/19/2011

im not sure how u can tell him. I didnt say anything to my son because i told him he is w Jesus and lives wiht him now.We have a memorial for my husband in our hoses with the ashes and he never asked me.WE put Toms favorite thing on the selves and i think he just like seeing that and never mention the ashes.but im not sure of ur beliefs.im srry if i wasnt much help my husband just passed so i think my thoughts all over the place.so i just wanted to share what i did

Barb

deleted_user 04/19/2011

I am a child life specialist and work with children who are grieving. While cremation is difficult to explain to children, it is important that it be done. Here is a link to a great information sheet about it:

http://www.partnershipforparents.org/guide/

I hope this is helpful-
Take care

deleted_user 04/19/2011

Hi, Im so sorry for your loss. I am not a therapist, but I have been thru the death of my parents, the last being my dad, and trying to explain to my 4 yr (almost ) old nephew where PaPa went. We took him to the funeral, which was hard on him, but we did the best we knew how, and told him PaPa was going home to live with Grandma and Jesus. He was devastated. He was so distraught that my sister ended up taking him to grie counseling and the therapist said he was scared and confused because he did not feel safe and protected, and wasnt sure why PaPa suddenly left him, and would we? I went to a Christian store and found the neatest book on explaining Heaven to children, I think its called "Whats Heaven Like?". We read it to him, and told him how PaPa was sick but is now healthy and strong. Then we took him to the store and he picked out balloons that he "sent" to Heaven, telling PaPa how much he loved him and that we would all be together again someday. He still had hard times but I felt this helped. I know some people think you should be honest with kids, wich we were, but we explained it at his level, and in a way that his little mind could cope with. I know this does not explain cremation, but I hope it helps in some way.

deleted_user 04/19/2011

**he was 4, almost 5.

barbarame 04/20/2011

Do you really have to tell him?? I would opt for the need to know basis. Meanwhile, let me sincerely tell you how sorry I am that you are going through the pain of your loss. Help your boy "write" and send drawings to his loved one, he needs to feel that this is not abandonment

deleted_user 04/20/2011

As my 28 yr old daughter recently hung herself, I will be explaining to her son (6 yrs old tomorrow) that mommy was very sick & went to heaven to be with Jesus & the angels. As it turns out, my grandson was born on my birthday (best gift my daughter ever gave me). My grandson lives with his father in another state, so on Saturday I'll arrive to say happy birthday and try then try to explain where mommy is. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My daughter was cremated, as well, but I don't feel this is the right time to discuss that with him. Your 5 yr old grandson is probably too young to handle the specifics. Be honest, but you don't have to explain everything to him - give him a break. As he ages, he'll probably have questions, trust he will ask you & maybe then you'll find it's a better time for the specific questions. You are in my prayers.

koolman 04/20/2011

(sigh) That's tough. I guess explain, in a nice way, that our spirit lives within our body, that the body is merely a case for the spirit, we borrow it from God for awhile, and when the spirit departs the body, the body is not needed anymore, and should be placed where it can cause new life to grow (!). I think even a 5-year-old can get his or her head around that.

Lois11 04/20/2011

Thank you everyone.. Little one knows that His Poppa has died and he knows he is in heaven he just doesn't know that Poppa is in that urn.. I guess we could wait and see if he asks and go from there.. He did ask about 3 weeks ago his mom if Poppa was home yet from heaven.. She told him that Poppa will be living in heaven now and can't come home.. he seemed satisfied with that.. He asked me the other night for the first time if I missed His Poppa I said yes I did very much..
So guess we will see.. It is up to his Mum and Dad what they tell him and when.. He may not ask with all the family and friends around..
thank you all for your help and for being there

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