I have two beautiful daughters, 16 and 9. They are so special to me. But on 10 April 2018 my son was stillborn at 17 weeks. I've had 5 miscarriages, but they were all early in my pregnancies. My son, Ken, was stillborn. This feels so different. Its been 2 months and I still feel like I'm never going to recover. My husband doesn't want to talk about him. And somehow it feels too personal to talk to other people. I went to the appointment alone, I had a bad feeling that morning. I was alone through the delivery, and recovered at home. I’m so used to pretending that I’m fine, I’m not sure I know what I feel anymore, aside from the dull throbbing where my soul used to be. But I can’t say that. I can’t say that every morning I wake up with the realisation that a part of me died and the thought that maybe I should have too. Words like pain, emptiness, loss, despair, they lose their meaning in the face of what I feel when I look at the only picture I have of him. People keep telling me that the grief will lessen with time. But I can't see how. Everyone expects me to be back to normal. But I have no idea what normal is anymore. How do I live the rest of my life like this? How do I raise my daughters with this shadow on my heart? How do I tell my friends and family that I'm still not ok? I feel like I have to justify it.