I want everyone to know that this is a publication that Hospice of Dayton created to address one of the emotional aspects of grief. These are not my words, yet I felt it was important to post here because one of the common themes I have read in the struggles with grief is about guilt:

"Guilt appears to be an almost universal component of grief. "If only", second-guessing, replaying scenarios over and over in your head, analyzing words spoken and decisions made can lead to feelings of inadequacy, shame and self-judgment. The reassurances of others that "you did your best" seem hollow.
Let's look at the guilt you are experiencing in a little different way. Guilt is all about intention. It is the feeling we have when we've done something wrong; when our conscience is violated. We knew we were doing something wrong, but we did it anyway. Regret, however, is the feeling of sadness that results when things don't turn out the way we had hoped. Regret is looking back at life and saying "if I only knew THEN what I know NOW". There is probably not a person living who hasn't had a regret about something in their life. Regret is a reflection of our humanness. It is a recognition and admission that there are some things in our lives that are beyond our control.
Healthy guilt allows us to learn from our mistakes. It gives us a chance to grow, to make amends, to do things differently next time. Even if we have purposely wronged our deceased loved one, we can still ask forgiveness and choose to forgive ourselves. Forgiveness is a choice we must make if we are to live in emotional freedom.
Most of the time, however, it is not guilt one is experiencing, but regret. Examining our unrealistic expectations of ourselves and choosing to recognize our imperfections and lack of universal control will change the heaviness of guilt to the sadness of regret. Our feelings are generated by our thoughts, so "telling yourself the truth" about underlying needs to be perfect or in control can gradually change the heaviness to acceptance. Telling yourself "I did the best I could under the circumstances" or "If I would've had more information at the time" or "I didn't have the power or control to change the outcome" should eventually calm the difficult emotions.
Other practical suggestions from griefhealingblog.com include:
- When guilty thoughts come to mind, disrupt them by telling yourself to stop thinking such thoughts. Say "STOP!" firmly and out loud if you need to.
- Remember the good things you did in your relationship with your loved one and all the loving care you gave. Focus on the positive aspects: what you learned from each other, what you did together that brought you joy, laughter, and excitement. Write those things down, hold onto them and read them whenever you need to.
- Have a visit with your loved one. Say aloud or in your mind whatever you didn't get to say while your loved one was still living. Be as honest as you can be.
- Have your loved one write a letter to you. What would this person say to you about the guilt and sadness you've been carrying around?
- Channel the energy of your guilt into a worthwhile project. Do good deeds in your loved one's honor."

I sincerely hope that this does help some of you in your journey through grief. It was a milestone for me, honestly, because until I talked to the grief counselor at Hospice and read this, I was riddled with guilt over both my dad and my aunt. This has helped me move through the guilt and begin to heal and the grief isn't so overwhelming as a result. Best wishes and positive thoughts to all of you!