Hi ~ A parent is a parent. She was your mother. It's normal to grieve for your mother. I doubt that you HATED your mother. I'm sure you had some "love" of some sort for her. Both my parents more or less ignored all of us when we were kids -- we didn't get ANY "I love you's" or any kind of validation. But when they both died, I grieved like ANY child would for their parents. I was devastated.

Perhaps we know that they loved us in their own way -- that they gave us what they HAD to give. They can't give us something that they don't have. My parents didn't get any kind of "love" from their parents, so they gave US what they were given. They passed that on to us. Perhaps your Mother did the same thing.

And maybe we grieved for what COULD have been -- our fairytale dreams of a home life. I always dreamed "what if."

But I know you loved your mother -- just as I loved mine. God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I can relate. Simply put, you grieve for the loss of someone who was a major part of your life AND you grieve for the mother you wanted and now never will have. We always hope that our mother has love for us and something will happen that will bring it to the surface. Kind of like when a kid says I'll run away, then they'll be sorry! They will cry and beg me to come back! Of course that is not reality, but we hope. You have to close the doors for the hopes and dreams of a better relationship.

this will take more than a few comforting words Our lives are shaped by what we love,even if that love is unrerquited.we tried to please those who we couldnt understand.Thier narccisism made us yearn for acceptance .Now she is gone you grieve to please her as if the ungratful scholding uninspired mother is still even in death controling you with a disapproving look .
The wound is open but now is the time to close it by being the person your mother never could be by giving your kids a father they deserve allow them to feel worthy of love .strengthen thier arm with the power of the bitter sweet relief.They may turn to you one day and treat you with the same contempt your mother did.You should laugh out loud with great fortune the old girl is still there doing her best to undermine your efforts She is still there is in the air and in the most peculiar way she cares.Live well good man you have survived chilhood.That in itself is an achievement.

Thanks for all your kind words.Its just that my mind is so confused .Yes I understand she was my mother and I loved her despite her verbal abuse. Yet if she was to some how be able to come back the abuse would comeback.There were times of suicidal thoughts because of my mother's words.I guess a better question is why am I grieving the loss of pain in my life and probably the source of my life long depression?

You're grieving for the loss of your own learned neuro pathways, and don't know how to fill them with something else!

In addition to being here (and there is a depression and codependency board here too, y'know...), it's time to read up and learn some new, more positive ways of thinking to help build a "new you"! Sometimes we just need new data, new input, new information, to put into our brains (and hearts).

And, if you're able, physically exercise. It's time to build yourself up, dear. Nothing emerges a "new me" better than a good sweat.

You've already received some very constructive replies. But I'm grieving two parents - lost six months apart. They broke up when I was six months old. Dad wasn't abusive - he just wasn't there but he visited weekly (by law) while Mama was part of my daily life - all my life. As they declined simultaneously, I saw to both their needs. Ironically, Mama said only one word to me on her last day - "No" in answer to a question. Dad's last words to me were "I love you, I love you, I love you." *Crying here.*
He died 3 weeks later.

I mourn them both. I weep regularly - almost daily for Mama - even at Dad's grave. (And I'm sure people think I'm crying for him.) But I've apologized to Dad and to God - for any bad feelings and for any loneliness he experienced by my not being closer. He was so alone in his last years. That hurts now. Strangely, no matter how little they are a part of our lives - we are connected to them. Take care.

There is a little place deep within our hearts where we can go with a pure heart and honesty there tell your grievances and forgive her of her faults and insecurities also ask her for your forgiveness also this must be done with a sincere heart and love the door is always opened all you have to do is knock and it will be opened to you
seek that hidden pearl deep within your heart

god bless you and keep you in his peace