I had joined widow and widower grief support group here on daily strength back in 2013 when my husband passed.  The support really helped.  My husband's death was the first major death in my life.  As time went by I met a widower and we became good friends which turned into love and we now share our lives together.  At the time we decided we wanted to live together I was caretaker for both my parents.  Both needing a lot of care.  My father passed a few weeks later.  My mother decided to move across country and live close to my brother in a seniors community.  So at the same time I was reaching for a new life with a new love in a new city in a different state I was also grieving my dad's passing and the physical separation of a lot of miles from my mom.  I was grieving and so it turns out was my new love.  He thought he had progressed enough after four years since his wife passed to fully engage with a life with me.  Not so.  After about 2 years together we went to counseling.  He was stuck in his grief and though he loved my prescence in his life he also resented it because it was a barrier to wallowing in his regrets and grief. What a difficult time it was for me and yes for him too.  I suffered much from depression from my dad's death, my mom far away,  having ripped my life up and moved only to be faced with walking on egg shells because anything and everything was "divorcing him" from the love he had with his wife. After counseling we begin to truly begin our life again as the couple we are today and not so immersed in the grief of widowhood.  Then covid hits and I could not visit my mom.  My mom was one week away from getting the vaccine when she became sick from covid.  She passed away in January.  I've had so much anger at not seeing her for such a long time.  Of not being able to be by her side in hospital.  Of not being able to hold her hand while she passed.  Of only receiving one condolence card.  To top it all off my honeys steps have decided they don't want him in their lives now and demanding their mothers urn and more pictures after all these years. One step I had most contact with always treated me kindly and said we were friends and our friendship had nothing to do with my being with her step dad.  I believed her and counted myself so blessed.  But when she was notified of my mother's death she said why should she care and it wasn't like we were much of friends anyway.  That hurt so much and yet another grief on top of grief.  I had always treated all of them with respect and kindness.  I never destroyed anything or spoke any disrespect.  I joined in as much as I was allowed.  Giving gifts when allowed.  Bringing food to gatherings. So confusing to be treated like I'm some sort of horrible person.  Maybe it's all about their feelings for him but their actions there are so incomprehensible too.  Their stated reasons for removing him from their lives are so childish and petty.  Just makes no sense.  So here we are. I'm grieving my mom's loss. I'm grieving the loss of his family.  He is grieving their loss and he said to me one day he resented my grieving my mom's loss.  After the shock settled down I realized he resented that anything butted in the way of his own personal grief and that my grieving over mom was not leaving me 100% of my attention for him.  It's not pretty but I actually understand it.  Sometimes we want all the attention.  Sometimes we want to be babied.  I know I wanted it.  I know I want to be held while I cry.  It's hard to be in a relationship and feel all alone with something as hard as the loss of a parent or adult kids walking away.  There is just so many feelings and I sometimes wonder if this is all that is left of life.  Just one negative after another?  Where did joy go?  Where did excitement for...anything go?  I'm 61 and I feel like there is nothing to look forward to.  I feel like I'm just waiting for my turn to be called home.  I pray for something to bring me joy again but deep inside I doubt it.