Bereavement Support Group
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I have fond memories of my childhood, and even my adulthood. My family was always together on the holidays, and once a month my mom and I would meet up for dinner with my grandma. We were close, we had amazing traditions, and our family was solid.
At 12 years old I lost my brother suddenly. He was 16 and on his way up to bed he collapsed...he died of a pulmonary embolism. I thought life couldn't get worse, but 9 years later my cousin then died of a heroin overdose. Then, life was becoming okay again...I got married at 25, but three months later - my mom died in her sleep at 54. My grandma, her mom, was still alive and well - and she took care of me. She embraced me even more and we still carried on our family traditions. I saw her for Thanksgiving, I saw her for Christmas, for Easter, for all the special days. Then, she passed away just 18 months after my mom....and 6 months after she passed, my aunt died, also at 54. I've been in therapy, I've come to terms with my loss- I've dealt with the blows, but what I can't get past is that my family is gone. I have four cousins remaining - three of which are in and out of trouble between jail, evictions, and dui's. I've got a 3 year old and another on the way - and I've separated my child from that environment, but I still can't help but miss my family. We do still talk, but with caution.
The problem is - holidays, in-laws, and family celebrations that are not my blood family. My husband is amazing, let me first put that out there. His family is great - they love me like their own, and they are there when we need them. But, they are also so completely dead set in THEIR traditions that it has forced me to completely abandon mine. I just feel it isn't fair...I want to carry on the traditions that I had as a child for my children, and I want to be able to give them the experiences I had - but when I try, it's met with support from my husband, but resistance from his family that I am screwing up THEIR traditions. It sucks. And it hurts. What about MY traditions? Just because my family has passed on doesn't mean I should be forced to abandon everything that meant anything to me. This year I tried to merge his tradition with my tradition and instead, it ended up with everything getting thrown out the window because his family called him pissed off asking what we were trying to do to THEIR traditions.
I know an easy solution is to say "why don't you and your husband do your own thing? Start your own traditions?" And yes, simple and wonderful as it sounds - that isn't what makes him happy. Instead, it puts him in an awful middle spot where he has to choose. We've been married almost 5 years now, and for 5 years I've cried because I miss MY family and MY traditions. I've sacrificed my happiness for his...to make sure that he has HIS family traditions, and that he continues to have the happy FAMILY memories that he has always known. But it's like a knife to the heart every year to see a happy family and to know that we'll never know the chaos of going between two families. He'll never have to make the sacrifice of seeing my family and skipping his. He'll never have to feel the pain of not being with your family at Christmas...but every year, I do...
I'm just lost...I wanted so badly to merge our traditions and to give tribute to my family - and instead, it blew up in my face. I've told my husband how I felt and he has been fantastic and he's proposed every single option to them - but they don't budge...
I feel like I am being forced to abandon my family when all I want to do is carry on their memories and teach my child about the amazing traditions that I experienced as a child...I just don't know what to do....
At 12 years old I lost my brother suddenly. He was 16 and on his way up to bed he collapsed...he died of a pulmonary embolism. I thought life couldn't get worse, but 9 years later my cousin then died of a heroin overdose. Then, life was becoming okay again...I got married at 25, but three months later - my mom died in her sleep at 54. My grandma, her mom, was still alive and well - and she took care of me. She embraced me even more and we still carried on our family traditions. I saw her for Thanksgiving, I saw her for Christmas, for Easter, for all the special days. Then, she passed away just 18 months after my mom....and 6 months after she passed, my aunt died, also at 54. I've been in therapy, I've come to terms with my loss- I've dealt with the blows, but what I can't get past is that my family is gone. I have four cousins remaining - three of which are in and out of trouble between jail, evictions, and dui's. I've got a 3 year old and another on the way - and I've separated my child from that environment, but I still can't help but miss my family. We do still talk, but with caution.
The problem is - holidays, in-laws, and family celebrations that are not my blood family. My husband is amazing, let me first put that out there. His family is great - they love me like their own, and they are there when we need them. But, they are also so completely dead set in THEIR traditions that it has forced me to completely abandon mine. I just feel it isn't fair...I want to carry on the traditions that I had as a child for my children, and I want to be able to give them the experiences I had - but when I try, it's met with support from my husband, but resistance from his family that I am screwing up THEIR traditions. It sucks. And it hurts. What about MY traditions? Just because my family has passed on doesn't mean I should be forced to abandon everything that meant anything to me. This year I tried to merge his tradition with my tradition and instead, it ended up with everything getting thrown out the window because his family called him pissed off asking what we were trying to do to THEIR traditions.
I know an easy solution is to say "why don't you and your husband do your own thing? Start your own traditions?" And yes, simple and wonderful as it sounds - that isn't what makes him happy. Instead, it puts him in an awful middle spot where he has to choose. We've been married almost 5 years now, and for 5 years I've cried because I miss MY family and MY traditions. I've sacrificed my happiness for his...to make sure that he has HIS family traditions, and that he continues to have the happy FAMILY memories that he has always known. But it's like a knife to the heart every year to see a happy family and to know that we'll never know the chaos of going between two families. He'll never have to make the sacrifice of seeing my family and skipping his. He'll never have to feel the pain of not being with your family at Christmas...but every year, I do...
I'm just lost...I wanted so badly to merge our traditions and to give tribute to my family - and instead, it blew up in my face. I've told my husband how I felt and he has been fantastic and he's proposed every single option to them - but they don't budge...
I feel like I am being forced to abandon my family when all I want to do is carry on their memories and teach my child about the amazing traditions that I experienced as a child...I just don't know what to do....
The problem you have is asking your in-laws for permission. Don't ask permission to live your life - you're an adult, you get to choose these things. Yes, it's wonderful when everyone is on the same page, but it's ridiculous for anyone to assume that it's always going to be done their way and never yours. Just do it, don't ask. Your kids will have a much richer life - they will get the best of both worlds.
I had to do that with my first husband, then I was widowed, and now that I am remarried and have moved to another country, it gets very challenging to preserve my family's traditions, too. I am in a new blended family, and we try to honor each other's as best we can and accept them. My parents are dead, I have no family here other than my two sons and my in-laws, so I understand how depressing the holidays can be. My siblings are thousands of miles away - literally!
Hang in there. You can find a way through this.
Love and Hugs,
Martha