Bereavement Support Group

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.

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vader 02/21/2011

I am going to come across as being very nasty.Since the 20 months of Brads untimely death..my friends in seattle have enguilfed me with all of these self help books on Postivie Thinking.And I tried to follow every one of its methods.But i want to tell everyone in all of these months,Postive Thinking does not work and it did not work for me.One of my friends sent me a smile button and i cried.Those smile buttons were popular in the 1960s.It was popular at a different time when people were civil to each other and I do like the smile button.In fact,I do wear it.But what does a smile button and pink smiles have to do with Brads death? How these little items help me heal? And why are all of these well know people promoting Postive Thinking and having all of these workshops in these bad economic times? How can Positive Thinking help me? At this time,It cant.But how can a little red and pink ribbon help me now? I dont need these teddy bears or ribbons.I am looking for someone who can and has the education to help me with my grief.Daily Strength has helped me more then any of these experts in seattle.And the grief therapy was so hurtful that I walked out and I have never returned.Why are these experts telling people who grieve that if they are Postive things will get better? This hasnt been the case for me.i have to get a roommate now and i am still struggling with money here.The grant for the heating has been cut and I doubt if I will get it.I have to look for a part time job and in seattle...there isnt any.I have to wait until the spring.When a person grieves...they are hurting inside and people even in seatle tend to give the wrong advice.I have been told that I am better off without Brad.This isnt true.Noone knew that since 2006 Brad and i were having very severe problems and we were on the verge of splitting.Brad in 2006 lost his will to live.He was always drunk and missing days of work.He would go out of the house at night just to get a beer and his so called drinking buddys were the most strangest people.I began to fear for my own life.And when you share something like this a person deserves better feed back.These postive thinking people are promoting this Happy Go Lucky lifestyle and it is hurting the economy.The meltdown occurred because the stock market crashed and it was its second time.It also crashed in 1987 when I a lot of people like myself were working at the bank and because of it,I lost my job.I did not work again for three year because my late brother and my mother were both sick and my other brother was not available.And i have been told if I have been more Postive all of the bad things would have not happened and this is absolute manure.This is magical thinking and i had it for years.Magical Thinking means if you totally ignore a problem it will go away.And if you are postive good things will happen.I do know that things will get better..but things do get better in time.I try to sing and write everyday and I keep a journal.I try to do these things for I dont want to lose my mind over Brads death.But this grief is so real and it is so hard and when a person dies in your arms..you know that you lost the love of your life and they will never return.I knew that Brad was dead.So did my cats.I made a decision then that no matter how bad it gets,I will never leave this house and I will try to do compromises for it.And this is what I have been doing.I think that Thoreau said that we are the masters of our own fate.And i will add lets stop this magical thinking.Not every situation has postive things happen.Not every situation has Postive Thinking.So let me grieve until i learn to let Brad go.I was not responible for what has happened.Yet I have been told this and this self blaming atitude and that you are the master of your own fate is nothing but self delusion and it must be stopped.If you do see me and I am crying...please say hi and dont make any other attempt.I have enough teddy bears and buttons.i have enough cards....say "I have heard about Brad and I am so sorry" And leave it at that.And dont ask me to be postive.Vader.

amgm 02/21/2011

You do not sound nasty Vader. You just sound like someone who is tired of being misunderstood and tired of not being allowed to grieve and tired of struggling to survive and not having a good support system to help you. It is hard when people think all you have to do is choose to be happy and that will take care of everything. I was telling a friend I was having a hard time and she said oh it will be spring soon, then you will feel better. Really? Spring is all I need?
Lots of people just don't understand what it feels like to be grieving. I really just try to tell myself they don't know what they are talking about and try to not let it bother me. otherwise it would keep me irritated a lot of the time. It is good you can vent on here. I hope it helps. How was your week of grieving? Did it help you?
I am just wondering because when I have tried to put time aside to grieve then I can't seem to make much progress.
Good luck with your job hunt. I hope you are able to find something.

vader 02/22/2011

Thank you for your reply.It will be 21 months on the 22nd of February of Brads death and I am still having a hard time of it and I have been in the house a lot.But i did something I didnt do a long time ago.I cried and all the tears flowed.Grief is a very black emotion and it must be dealth with.So why are these people telling me to be Postive about it? How can a person be postive when they lose their partner of 12 years? And I didnt even have any signals for it and this is what is killing.Pink Teddy Bears,Ribbons and Balloons are cut...but they do not solve the problem.We must let people grieve and we must do it now.We must let people who are hurting time to heal and this is what I am trying to do.I am trying to take my time.The Postive Thinkers here have told me is that Time heals all wounds.This isnt true.Only time has done is this.I have to accept Brads death and I do.But I miss him and i always will.Vader.

Mouse8844 02/22/2011

I didn't have time to read all your post but I was indredulous about the advice you have been given. There are many stages of grief and being positive is not one of them.
Now I dont know if you are so low that you are unable to live a productive life but if this is so I would be suggesting grief councelling. It has almost 4 yrs since mum died and I still cry at times ,missing her very deeeply.
So I suggest you go through the grieving process and forget trying to be positive.

shur1 02/22/2011

when ever you are filled with missing brad and it comes into your mind say something special that only you two would know acknowledge him and his memory with love replace those thoughts with love for him talk to him with love think of him with love he is still with you do not turn your back on him love him still there comes a time when all of us has to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and stop dwelling on ourselves take that love of brad and spread it around for all to see he would love to see you do that his love is free now not tied to just one person his love is for all that is the lesson to LOVE and set those you love free do not bottle him up just for yourself set him free so he can spread his love through you to others.

deleted_user 02/22/2011

Has anyone read the book, The Last Rose? I have this book and have read it more than once. It's not a sad book. It is about the love the author had for his wife and daughter. The author, Thomas Pierce, and his wife and daughter were all on the water taxi that overturned in Baltimore Harbor in 2004. Mr. Pierce survived but he lost both his wife and daughter that day. He tells how they continue to give him signs that they are still watching over him. I loved all of the "13" and "rainbow" stories. There is a letter in the book written by one of the reservists who was on duty the day of the accident. His letter is also a letter of love...love of his fellow mankind. This book is a must read for anyone who has lost a loved one. You can learn more about the book and the author at his website: www.thelastrose.com

vader 02/23/2011

to all who replied I am saying thank you this was the hardest post for me to write.Brad loved all of my writings and wanted me to do it full time but I cant.Writing is a full time consuming effort and at this time I just dont have the stamina.Brads death has really devasted me and I am wondering of the future.What is it going to be? All I do is worry because in seattle right now there arent that many jobs.Yet these same people are promoting this Postive Thinking and it is so wrong.Two wrongs dont make a right and we cant be self deluded.Some people I know are not paying their bills and this is all because of Postive Thinking.Look,in hard times the Irish Nuns told me that things do get better.Sometimes it will take a little harder effort.Now I do believe that Postive Thinking does work for some and when it does like I said i am grateful.But I have to grieve and soon it will be two years and all I can say is that my heart is breaking.Grief is a very black emotion and I do things everyday.I take good care of myself and I bathe everyday.I go out and I try to be nice and i smile even at the mailman.Noone knows of this pain except my dear friends on Daily Strength and I want to say that my grief now is struggling and i am tired of all of the mood swings and restless nights but sudden death like Brads is sudden and there is no way I could have prepared for it.For I am tired of being misunderstood.And when someone that you know that does die...you can help by giving them a card and sometimes money.Or bringing a casserole over.Or buying groceries.They would like a kind word.But please do not bring them any smile buttons or teddy bears.We realize that everyone wants the grieving party to be happy.But how can I be happy now when my financial support is gone? And how do I explain this? I cant see for the light of me how a teddy bear will help.Let the person grieve.There is nothing in grief today that say a person has to be postive.Once again thanks and Kramer said meow.

deleted_user 02/23/2011

OMFG I thought I was reading something I wrote. Baby, no matter the situation, no matter the person, no matter what others think. Loss is loss and our heart is our heart. My situation is so similar...he drank, he lost his job, you are better off. lack of family support (they all disliked him, but came to funeral and cried big tears) You are not alone, it has taken me three years to return to this site....I wass vader too. BITTER. I had melt down in the grocery store, in the car, at work, a favorite song, a drink....whatever. I understand. after 3 years it still hurts, but not as bad. I have moved on, still broke cause of the economy. It sucks, but it is better. thank God no one tried that whole positive thing on me. I just had a couple friends that called everyday to see how I was doing. They still do after 3 years. I found the positive on my own, when I was ready. Vader, you are not alone. I am there with you...The thing that made me feel better, knowing others felt the same way...see my journals...I just wrote one. hugs to you.

deleted_user 02/25/2011

I understand how you feel, but at least you have friends that try. When Cheryl died, all of our friends seemd to leave with her. Not a single person stopped by to visit, not a single friend called to ask how I was doing. It was as if I had died with her. As a species, it seems we can't deal with death, in spite of the fact that it's the only comon factor we all share, and the only thing we all can count on. It's been 4 years for me and I still ache for her loss, and still wish just one friend would let me cry.
Gary

deleted_user 02/25/2011

I agree with clanross... when my mom died I came home to an empty apt... had no one to help me make phone calls or go with me to view the body... no one called and asked what they could do to help or asked if I was ok... people have blamed me for my moms death and told me horrible things that no person should ever hear... I would be thrilled to have someone even care enough to send me something... even if it didn't help it would just be that there was someone out there thinking or me, caring enough to spend the time, and wanting better for me... yes I understand how in some ways the things that they try not working could cause you to feel misunderstood but trust me if you had no one trying at all you would feel much more lonely than you do now.

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