hi. i can relate cause i used to feel like that after my husband died. he died a horrible death from cancer and i was his caretaker. we brought in hospice the last 2 weeks or so.

i understand the guilt. i felt like there must have been more i could have done or should have done but it was so horrible anyway that some things i had to wait for the nurse's assistant to come and help me with. i just couldn't cope. it wasn't anything that would hurt him more.

my hubby wouldn't talk about things. during the time he was lucid, he just wouldn't talk. i tried to get him to open up, but he wouldn't. maybe i didn't try hard enough. that's what i feel the most guilty about. i didn't try hard enough. he kept to himself all the time, doing arts and crafts. it broke my heart.

so i know what you mean. but i figured that i couldn't drag it out of him. if he really wanted/needed to talk to me, he would. i couldn't make him talk to me. i had to get rid of the guilt. so i asked God to take it away and forgive me if i was to blame. evidently He did because i don't feel guilty anymore. i'm grateful.

i hope and pray you can release yourself from the guilt too because it doesn't belong to you. you couldn't force him to talk to you either. so please give yourself a break and if you feel you need to ask god to forgive you. God bless, hug, lee

Thanks, lee.

It wasn't that I wanted my brother to talk. We did talk. I just wanted to let me hug him and cry with him. But that wasn't his way. He never asked for affection. He sure liked to give it though, when he was healthy! He was in so much pain anyway; any physical contact would've hurt him. I would've been gentle-!

But thanks. I think I've got God's forgiveness; I'd just like to visit my brother in my dreams (I believe we can visit the other side in our dreams when our bodies go to sleep every night). Had a few wonderful dreams, but I can't seem to quite "get there" right now.

Guess God's got him doing other things right now. His ex-wife, whom he continued to be very fond of, now has cancer. Wouldn't be surprised if he's hanging out with her right now, welcoming her to the other side if that is God's plan, helping her fight to stay here for their 19-year-old daughter if that's God's plan.

She's about to undergo chemo this week, and I'm better equipped emotionally and spiritually to deal with this stuff now, so you better believe I'll be there for her if she needs me. She's my "second chance", so to speak.

my gosh, and now his wife too? where did they live, by a nuclear power site? this is really weird that she'd get cancer too. i'm so sorry to hear this. it's got to be awfully hard on their daughter.

i'm glad she has you to rely on. bless your heart, you're a good person. take care of yourself. god bless. hugs, lee

Yep. No, to my knowledge, no nuclear power site lol. They did live in a mobile home park, so God only knows what's buried under there. Yeah, their daughter is a bit whacked out. My parents are helping out a lot, and I'm there if anyone needs me.

I promise, youre brother is in such an incredible place-- and the beautiful part about heaven, is that we dont have feelings of sadness, or anger, hurt or hatred.. just HAPPINESS! I know that must have been very hard on you both-- and i've worked with cancer patients for sometime, but i can tell you that sometimes, the patients are just as scared and embarssed as their family. They dont want people to see them like that.. they are scared, embarssaed, and dont want people to see them sick, vonueralbe and frail.
I remember distincly a patient of mine, his friends came to visit him one day and planned on surprising him and just stopping in, they came to the desk and asked if he was still in the room at the end of the hall. I looked at the board, and said , oh yes, of course.. go on in. They came back to the desk again and said that there was an old man in the bed, and that there friend wasnt there.

I was kinda puzzled and follwed them into the room. Sadly ,the old man in the bed, was their 40 something year old friend. The chemo and radiation had taken such a toll on him. He was embarassed and asked them to leave. I know how hard that must have been for him. As sometimes we dont even recognize them..

I know youre brother understands.

Thanks, nurse. That was beautiful.

Yep, my brother indeed looked like 40 going on 100. He was so skinny, frail, weak and emaciated. Thankfully, he didn't lose all his hair, and his hair didn't go gray. But he only underwent 3 chemo treatments before surgery. It was so surreal and unreal. I love my brother, and I HATE cancer (and the chemo). Hated seeing him in that condition. It's no way to go.

His ex-wife will start chemo on Friday. She's in a little better shape than he was going in (I believe she's "only" stage II or III instead of his final stages of stage IV), and can at least eat beforehand to build up her strength, unlike him...his colon was 75% blocked by tumor, so drinking water caused him excruciating pain. It'll be interesting to see the effects chemo will have on her. I know it ain't gonna be pretty. All I can do is be soft, gentle, loving and encouraging. She's got a fighting chance.