I just went from giving 1000% of my love and care to my mother to having the excrutiating agony of burying her on May 17th. Chronic kidney disease. She was 90 and suffered dementia as well but we stalled that out with a very healthful holistic diet and she was fine there. She knew me very well until her last breath at home with me. Im shattered. Whats worse is i had 2 weeks to pack up a house full of memories and furniture. Moved to an old house that was being renovated and way behind not even habitable really. Cold showers for a monrh before the gas co finally got here to turn on the gas! I had to couch surf at different friends houses until at least the bathroom toilet was connected. I gave up all i had including 401K and am now starting from scratch but still waiting on my licensure to practice in my field in the state i moved mom n i to over a couple years ago. I could not work as a full time carer and somehow the 2 of us squeezed by on her fixed income of dads pension (widows) and workmans comp, ss. Of course that stops cold as the dead of winter and i feel i dont even have room to grieve! I have never hurt this way before and i have dealt with many ppl i loved transititioning. Being single doesnt help either. 3 estranged older brothers who turned on us both years ago. Heck, they didnt show at her service. Best they didnt but that was harrowing to say the least as she always gave them everything and they took and took until nothing was left then no showed not even a phone call or text to acknowledge her passing. Im hoping when i am issued my massage licence i will become distracted by work and not pine over all this so intensely. The waves it comes in are dizzying and i feel like im in a glass bubble separate from the rest of the world. The panic of rent, bills and more bills on the horizon before i begin work amplifies everything. No life insurance policies nothing. Going from knowing the rent will be paid to this waiting gap of hopefully only 2 weeks or less of having submitted all the paperwork is unnerving. Whats more is my jeep needs repair which i cant yet afford and its hell here without transportation! I know this too shall pass and before i know it i will be self sufficient once more. I applied for a kennel cleaning and dog walking job across the street and was over qualified! I would have taken an 8.00/hour job in desparation! I guess im off on a tangent but this is where im at. Ive so many things of moms and i can be fine when suddenly i come across discharge papers or her pillows i woukd keep her comfy with come into view. I have 1000's of photos of her in my phone which i just received a new one having switched mobile carriers for a lower rate so this is good! I just cant look at her videos or photos indefinitely! My whole world feels like a capsized boat and im struggling to free myself from under it! So many emotions and triggers!