My mother died suddenly on April 19, 2017, after several years of battling severe bipolar disorder. I am 23 yrs old and was very close to her. I have known since I was a child that my mother had mental health struggles, but I did not know the extent of it (that she had come close to ending her life several times before) until after she died, as my older sister and father wanted to protect me from that knowledge. So, her death really blindsided me whereas it was something that my father and sister sort of knew might happen. I have been dealing with the loss of my mother and the loss of my daily routine--I would meet her almost everyday for coffee and to watch Food Network together. Sometimes we would go see scary movies or go shopping or paint together. Being the age that I am and given that I recently graduated from college last year, I do not have many friends still living in my area (moved away for jobs, went back to their home state, etc.) and my mother really was my closest "friend." Two weeks later, our dog (who my mother doted on) also passed away. The immense grief and guilt I was feeling about both of these significant losses led to a breakup between me and my longterm boyfriend (who was my first ever relationship). All this is to say: I have been dealing with a lot. The ground has been ripped out from under my feet.

Anyway, I always thought that even though my dad was not the best as dealing with my mother's illness, his marriage to her was a happy one for the most part. I always viewed them as being very in love. But...he stopped wearing his wedding ring that day after she died. A couple days after that, he got rid of all of her clothes. These things bothered me a little, but I figured it was his way of coping. 

A couple of days ago, I went with him out to dinner with some friends of my parents. They began discussing my father dating again, e.g. the new woman would have to get my approval, what kind of person would she be, etc. This conversation upset me so much that I began sobbing in the middle of the restaurant. The thought of my father dating and moving on from my mother upsets me. Mostly because it reminds me of the fact that she is truly gone. The people with us were very apologetic, saying it was insensitive to have this conversation so soon after her passing. My dad assured them that everything was fine, that we needed to "approach the situation with a bit of levity," and was all-around more concerned that me being upset had upset THEM. 

When we returned home, I went to my room (as I was still crying) where my father later joined me to talk. He essentially asked me why I was crying. He even asked if it was because I was on my period. (You would think that if there was any reason a woman could be emotional without someone thinking it had to do with her uterus, it would be the death of a parent.) I told him the truth: I miss my mother and I am sad she is gone. He said, "Don't you think I miss her? But I don't let it get to me." and that neither should I. He said, "You need to move forward." The whole conversation left me feeling ashamed of my emotions, like I was being ridiculous and that my grief was inconvenient and unjustified. That I am no longer "allowed" to feel upset and to cry over this horrible loss. And I am so mad at him. I cannot understand how a man who was married to someone for 30+ years can act like everything is fine and tell his daughter to do the same. This morning, I happened to look at his phone and saw that he has a couple of dating apps installed. To me, his behavior sends a message: he doesn't miss her. And that idea shakes me to my very core.

My mother died two and a half months ago, and at this point I feel like I will be grieving the rest of my life. And I feel alone. I feel so disconnected from and betrayed by my father--his willingness to move on from her so quickly and his dismissal of my feelings. My world truly is crumbling and I don't know how to keep going and not let it drag me down with it.