Hi,

Maam I encourage you to stay very active at DS support groups and do post this news at the Depression and Family Issues Groups too. I suggest using these other DS community groups as points of interest because of the sad loss of your husband and the situation does involve deep family complaints as well.

In my opinion threatening your boys and the girlfriend will no longer work for you. However you must stay persistent with them for the purpose of solid, productive changes in behaviors. And as youve tried this method already and still meet with resistance to what you desire of them, then it may be the appropriate time to seek specialized advice with a professional family therapist or seek the advice of a sympathetic minister or clergy. In many cases such as you describe, introducing a plan to bring order in a house by encouraging church attendance and prayer has been successful in saving a troubled family relationship. Contrary to the good of this idea is that some may quickly decide to move out in order to retreat from such spiritual demands, which may be of help to you there. But then, you mention the desire to keep your children close and in home, so at the most speaking with a skilled family therapist may bring fewer objections to that of prayer and attending church services as a family.

Whatever you decide to do in the matter, please continue using DailyStrength community as a strong arm for emotional support and do seek a step-by-step approach to how this site can best serve your healthy emotional and essential well-being.

Ambi

So very sorry for your lost and current struggles.

You are very brave to share. Glad you are here.

The fact that you acknowledge that your sons have had a loss too is wonderful to me. When my best friend died her husband "checked out" and their daughter was left "hanging" in many ways.

For me it is often tough to separate when so much is going on...loss, a baby on the way, substance use and house cleaning....I encourage you to find a place where you can share and the focus can be solely on you - like a local bereavement group or with a counselor...

Rhonda, I almost could have written your story with just a few differences. I ended up throwing my daughter out of the house. One day when I confronted her about a mess she put up her hand and told me not to talk to her. When I tried yet again to explain what I wanted done, she told me she didn't even like me so not to talk to her. Paying bills is a struggle without my husbands income so I wasn't going to support someone who doesn't like me. My youngest son is still here with his newly pregnant girlfriend. I don't want to be in the house alone but I also do not want to be the odd man out in my own home. He is also the one with substance abuse issues. It is very difficult to watch that. My husband would've given him a responsibility talk and he would've listened. If it comes from me I'm just crazy....

Neither one is willing to go to family counseling but I am involved with a group on my own. I know some of this is their grief response but I too am hurting and struggling to take of things. I need to take care of me. Please keep me updated on how this works out for you.

Well your boys ARE adults, and if they cannot take sage advice, they are going to have to learn the hard way. Issue the ultimatum, clean up or get out! YOU are the person you need to be caring for now. You can not live anybody's life for them, so they HAVE to learn to fix their own bad choices. This would be the case if both you and your husband had gone on - so just leave their lives to them and don't enable them to destroy their lives - or yours. Your action is very clear - question is, are you strong enough to do what needs to be done? If your son got a girl pregnant he is old enough to provide shelter for them. He must man up to his responsibilities and you have to know that those responsibilities are not yours.

I would first of all like to thank everyone for all the comments on this problem I'm going through. I have made a plan that I am praying will work. I wrote down a list of house rules and came up with a two month plan. We had a family meeting where I went over everything with them and the plan is I'm giving them two months to prepare to move out unless they follow the rules. I'm calling it three strikes and your out. This way it's not just me saying do this or your out they have a plan and set if rules to look at and go by but they know if they get three strikes ( break three rules) they have a move out day. I don't know if this is going to work but I would like to ask people to pray for me because I have no other options at this point. I can't allow them to take over my house and my life and I know my husband would want me to be strong and not allow them to do this to me. I am also getting a family counsler because I know we need to talk to someone. Does anyone know if a family counsler will deal with the bereavement along with the family issues.
Thanks again for all the comments and advise

Rhonda

You are welcome to support...and the *three strikes* plan is a fair one. I am praying, along with you and your family, that this idea works in the best interest of all of you.

I am so pleased that you are learning to move forward by your positive feelings, which is healthy behavior. Surely, you may find a grief and family therapist all in one. Be aware to find one who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them, and without guiding you or persuading you to feel uncomfortable as they make plans or select treatment options. Many are well-intended therapists; however some may not listen properly and thus leave you with feelings of being ignored or misunderstood. You don't have to accept this treatment.

Keep your chin up and carry on. I hope that the journey with grief is a brief one for you.

When we are grieving deeply, we tend to focus on the things in our lives that we feel we can control., With me, I expressed...I need order. I need peace...I need my life to be a certain way. They would have two choices, pay to have someone clean up or leave. I would not allow myself to get upset. I would have a large plastic bin out back, and if i have to pick it up..its tossed in the bin, believe me they will get tired of searching and digging. If any yelling is to be done, let them do it. Quietly say thats the way it is, and walk away.

One other thing...I do not buy food to bring into a dirty kitchen. If yhey cant wash a dish or put yhings away...fine..the food will run out....i can eat out or make myself something. Period....no food brought into a dirty kitchen..case closed