denial or just not being able to accept it is definitely a huge part of it. I lost my mom in June and sometimes I still can't believe that it's real. I always just think that whatever I'm feeling, it is an ok feeling to have. Sometimes I am happy and can go do fun things, sometimes I feel guilty if I am ok, sometimes I am horrible and can barely get through the day. All emotions are normal - but i think if your emotions are making it impossible to continue with a semi-normal life you should consider talking to a professional if you haven't already done so. I am going to meet with a counselor for the first time on Nov. 1st cuz I definitely need help getting my life back in order...

There is no way you HAVE to act...I know that right now you feel guilty etc (this is called survivors guilt and it is very common) I have no idea what your faithis or even if you have any but I can tell you that there is something else in this life you have to do..it may not be that you are destined to find a cure for cancer or bring about world peace but maybe you are meant to be at the right place at the right time to touch someone elses life..You may never even know that you did...

And its normal to not be accepting that this is real..my situtation is different ( my mom was 69 and died of cancer) but I have days where I walk around thinking this isnt happening this isnt real)

Please take care of yourself...I cant promise that how you will feel will go away but I can promise you that you can get through it and that you will find some peace eventually...Hugs!!

I think everything you describe that you're feeling - or felt during funeral, etc. - are so very normal in a case such as you and your boyfriend. Any survivor, even if not closely related but in same accident, I believe will question why one person or another survived.

As for the funeral, look at it this way. You were hospitalized but you would have been there if you could. I was at my Mom's funeral - it was paid for in advance as required. Cemetery required a Cashier's Check. Then we found the grave not prepared, and my Mom was buried without me there - hours later. There was and can never be any closure in that area. It was very important to me and would have been also for my Mom. I put my trust in funeral director who they say takes care of everything (and bungled plenty) and a cemetery who didn't deliver at a seriously emotional time.

My condolences for your loss but please don't beat yourself up that you weren't able to be at the funeral. It was out of your hands and so was the turn of events. You survived - for a reason.

You must be patient with yourself, 5 months is nothing really, you are still so new into your loss.....You deal with things the way YOU need to, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I am very sorry for your loss and pain, but try not to feel guilty, you deserve happiness...

Who gave you a time limit or a script as to how you are supposed to feel? You are looking for logical answers where there aren't any. Rent the movie, "What the Bleep do we Know." Hopefully you can make sense of this all.
Stay Strong.

thank you all for your support and inspiring words. i wish you all the greatest happiness. maybe i myself am just trying to rush recovery. a lot of times i just feel hopeless.. i feel like i am desperately searching to find happiness so that i no longer have to bear or face the pain of CJ being gone forever. but thank you again for all your time.

rachel

You are so young to have to go thru this. I don't have any great advice or healing words, but I do know that you and only you can feel what you are feeling. We all "know" the feelings, but we all handle them differently, sometimes one stage or feeling might be more painful than another. I think about all the things that could have been for my sweet baby. She never got a chance to live, to cry, to open her eyes, to see me. I will never see all the things a mom should be able to see w/ her children. I am sure those thoughts run thru your head about your boyfriend and I think it is a normal, natural part of a loss. Don't rush yourself and don't allow anyone else to rush you either. My therapist told me today as long as I am taking care of my kids, feeding them, etc... and I am able to function in small ways then I am doing great! You can only do what you can do.

I have had family members tell me to get over it and move on, neighbors tell me my body just doesn't like being pregnant, and friends tell me at least I have 2 other kids! All of those things took me back several notches until I realized (just the other day) that Megan was my baby, she is my loss even though other people might be sad that she died, it is my pain! I have to deal w/ it my way in my own time and it may not be to everyone else's liking, but that just doesn't matter. What matters is that you take care of yourself and do what you can do. It is okay to laugh when you feel like it, okay to smile when you want to!

I hope you have supportive friends or family, but even if you don't (I don't feel as if I do) you can still find people on this site that are amazing at helping you cope along. My motto is one second at a time. If I can just make it thru the next second, next minute, next hour, etc.... then I pat myself on the back (most of the time!!!) Good luck to you sweetie!!