I can't cope with death. I have lost my sister, grandma, and a dear teacher who was like a friend and cannot deal with any of them. A few years ago I lost my sister when she was in a car accident. The vehicle she was in was hit off the road and it flipped many times. She was ejected due to the force from flipping and died instantly. I never came to terms with the fact that she is gone and it has been four years. I feel like I should be fine now. I can't even talk about her or mention her name and when my family is talking about her I stay silent. My family tried to get me to sing at her funeral, but I had never sung in front of people before so I said no. I felt bad like I let them down but I could not do it.

My teacher was not a normal teacher. He was everyone's friend. I went to a private, Christian school so everybody knew everybody. He was the teacher everyone loved. He would make students want to learn because he made it fun. He taught music and the music class had to lead our chapel services. He got me to play instruments in our chapel services but could never get me to sing. I was very shy when I started school there but slowly came out of my shell. One week, he finally got me to sing in our chapel service. That weekend, he passed away. Our school held a meeting in honor of him where the students could mourn together. I felt it necessary to play music in his honor as that was his passion and the school agreed. He had previously shared with our class that he sang I Can Only Imagine at his grandmothers funeral so that is what I sang for him. I could not make it through the song because of my emotions so other students came up to help me. Now I can no longer listen to that song. I wish I could because it is a great song but it hurts. I have not gotten over the death of him either.

My grandma died in the hospital. She was in the hospital for a few months. The medicine they gave her made her hallucinate and she would go crazy. The only thing that would calm her was my singing. I could not sing to her when she wanted me to, I would go out of the room because it was too emotional. All of my family members had a recording of me singing at my church so they would play that when she needed it. I sang at her funeral service because I felt bad for not singing when she really needed it. However, singing at the funeral did not help me cope with her death. I still feel regret every day for not singing to her in the hospital. I cannot talk about her with my family either. I won't talk when she is brought up. I miss her too much to talk about her.

I don't know how to deal with the death of loved ones. My family members can talk about these people with no problem, so what is mine? I just want to find healing.