Bereavement Support Group

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.

3,877 Members

13,418 Posts

1 Online

vader 10/20/2009

It will be 5 months since my boyfriend Brad took his life and if I had offeneded anyone I am writing to say I* am sorry.This has never happened to me before and I am still going thru trama.Brad and I were together for twelve and half years and even tho it was a very rocky relationship...i feel like he did love me.What killed Brad was a evil.It is a white evil.It is called Meth and i hate meth and all drugs.I didnt know that Brad was hooked and I didnt know the signs and I just didnt know.you see before he went on umeployment he went to work everyday and came home every night.Once Brad came home,tht was it.Sometimes we would go food shopping.But Brad was always home and I am asking anyone who has had a meth addiction...why did you start? It is something that us women dont know? Is it something that we can stop.The fights were getting wild.And i stayed because of my cats.he was getting kooky and when this started...all of the shelters were full.I had noone to talk to.Now I realize this...BRAD WAS DEPRESSED AND I DID NOT HELP HIM.I FAILED BRAD AND I HAVE FEEL AWFUL.HE JUST WAS SO FULL OF PAIN AND MAYBE I CAUSED HIS SUICIDE.I DONT KNOW ANYMORE.BRAD WAS ALWAYS DRINKING AND THIS WAS THE FINAL COMBINATION.AND I MISS HIM.MY BROTHER IS IN NEW YORK AND AT 62,i AM NOT RELOCATING BACK EAST.i AM STAYING IN SEATTLE AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE CHOSEN.BUT TO BE TOLD TODAY AND SHE TOLD ME THIS...."YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM." hOW WOULD ANYONE LIKE IT IF SOMEONE SAID THIS TO YOU...BETTER OFF..IS SHE KIDDING.? And today I got up and I felt sick to my stomach because i found Brads body in the yard and I will never forget this.Brad was all i had and now I am trying to make my life without him and I miss him.Anyone who is thinking of suicide...DONT DO IT!

Scott46 10/21/2009

You did not fail him and his suicide, along wit his addiction, was his own doing. You will grieve for him because you loved him but Vader you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Have you been to a grief support group yet?

vader 10/21/2009

scott...thanks for the info.can you help me?Why are all these support groups now charging money? This group wants 20.00 and you meet twice a month.Scott..Brad left me with limited funds and I cant even afford this.Do you know of any group?Please let me know?

deleted_user 10/21/2009

Vader, please know that Brad was sick, as surely as the suicide happened. If he had not been --it would not have happened. You had absolutely NOTHING to do with it.
I know that now, for my son,...I also know that Brad would want to make up for it if he could,...tooo late, and we are left here to pick up the pieces. Take one day at a time and do not blame yourself! God Bless! Judy

MamasChild1 10/21/2009

Dear Vader -
It's been awhile since I've posted but seeing your post really upset me. Suicide has to be the most devastating way to lose a loved one. It seems we all feel we've failed them in some way - whether death was iminent or not - but suicide must leave a person feeling so helpless.

There's no way anyone can change your heart and mind on this - it's all too fresh. Having experienced loss ourselves, we know better than to try. However, the circumstances you described (depression & drinking) sound like there was a recipe for disaster that left you helpless - no matter how hard you'd try. That's the nature of those hideous problems. But in your case, the person who made that comment - had to be either clueless on how to console you or totally insensitive.

You have an overload of grief and emotions in your heart to deal with right now. Tune those people out, and limit communication with them, if possible, if they add to your pain. Right now, you have to be selfish for your own sake. Get as much support as you can from local groups (as well as here). Not one-on-one counseling but groups - where you can share with others the same issue. Bereavement AND any AA group that may deal with suicide would be (I think) helpful. You need to talk with people undergoing the same pain - not those who will be insensitive towards your feelings.

PJsmom 10/21/2009

Vader, I'm right here with you. PJ, my son who was 33 when he took his life, on 5/5/09. I'm going thru the same things you are, there are some very insensitive people in this world, I'm not sure if they do this on purpose or what, but please rest assured you had nothing to do with Brad's illness. These were choices he made, knowing what this drug would do to him and mixed with alcohol. Obviously we missed the signs, but I don't think they wanted us to see them, there must have been something inside them, that said I've had enough, and there 's nothing we could have done to help. believe me, if I could have stopped PJ, from doing what he did, there would have been nothing on this earth that would've stopped me, but I'm guessing he didn't want to stay here anymore, there was to much pain and depression. I'm sure there are support groups that don't charge, try calling your local hosp., they may have some info that would help. Please keep your head up, you stuck with him for 12 yrs, you did the best you could. I'm always here for you, love and hugs,Bev

1wngsfn 10/21/2009

Vader, I am so sorry you have to go through the loss of a loved one from suicide. My husband completed suicide December 22, 2008. He was also addicted to meth. I also felt a lot of guilt, but this was not your fault, nor mine. Although, I still struggle with it at times. I know you did everything you could to solve the problems you were having. The person with the addiction has to want to stop using and accept help. One-on-one counseling did not work for me. I also tried a bereavement class. These members were grieving 93 year old mothers and 85 year old spouses who died of natural causes. This class did not work for me or them. As I spoke of my loss their jaws dropped at the shock and horror. I have found support in a wonderful group called "Survivors of Suicide". There is a group in Seattle. The contact person is Mark Hoagland and the phone # is (206)461-3222. They meet twice a month on the 1st and 3rd Mondays from 6:30 to 8:30 with a suggested donation of $5. I spoke with them and this donation is not required to attend. They understand the financial situations we are left to deal with. My heart goes out to you and I hope this support group will help. Hugs, Debbie

deleted_user 10/21/2009

ah vader..
my husband took his own life 18 months ago and I understand your questions completely. I too have struggled with them and continue to do so.
David had been overmedicated by physicians but - so what's the dif? In the end, his pain, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually was more than he could handle. I tried everything. Everything. EVERYTHING! To stop him from taking his own life. Nothing worked.

My husband wanted to leave his body. It was his second attempt. He was, and is, a wonderful, loving man full of light and love and I do not forget that. But he could not handle all he was given. It was just to much. Do I wish I was a better helpmate? Yes. More compassionate with what he was going through? Yes. Did I understand it.? No.
No I did not.

Do I wish he were here today. hmmm. Healthy - yes. As he was the last weeks or years before he died? no. Nor would he.

All I can, and am trying to do now, is learn. Become more compassionate (with myself as well as with others). More patient.
More understanding. A better listener. Closer to the God of my understanding.

Scott46 10/23/2009

Vader, Some of the hospices do the support groups like a class. For example, they meet once a week for 6 weeks. And a fee is not uncommon. One hospice here in Atlanta simply has an on-going group twice a month, with no fee, and its more like a group than a class. You come as often as you want. I guess there is no set way of doing it. I suggest you make sure to call around to all hospices in your area. If they charge a fee, then ask directly if there is a hardship contingency for those on fixed income.

Also try Googling "[city name] bereavement support groups" and again with "grief" instead of bereavement. Do I recall right you are in Seattle area?

deleted_user 10/31/2009

No, Do not ever think that you failed Brad. Brad was a grown man, and responsible for his own actions. Meth is indeed an evil devil and it costs so much loss of life and so much loss of living and everything imginable.You know hat depression is a part that comes along side of Meth addiction, I hope you can see that now. You were there for Brad. You loved him, and you were there with and for him. I believe you will someday come to understand it all better than you do now. I dealt with my youngest sons addiction for many years, and I did not understand about it until I learned and I found out what it cost them and their loved ones. I am convinced that meth and many drugs, are for sure demons or devils and the cost they charge for people is very often their homes, families, and as you know, their very lives. Please always know that while we can regret that things turned out as they did, and that we do have regrets,WE ARE NOT TO BLAME. I keep you in my thoughts abd prayers Peggy

deleted_user 11/01/2009

i am truly sorry...addictions are complicated...you were not responsible...but this is a place you must journey to yourself...there are some very helpful people who know about addictions, such as those in AA; Al-Anon and any of the 12 step programs...you may want to seek them out where you live...they are free...i recently attended an Al-Anon group to learn more about my son brian's addiction...please try to be kind to yourself (easier said than done)take care of yourself...prayers to you on your grief journey...pat

Join the Conversation