Bereavement Support Group
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Max was never an easy kid. Like the nursery rhyme "when he was good he was very, very good and when he was bad, he was horrid." His ADHD was diagnosed in his late teens and explained some of his issues. The ADHD helped him in some ways (great athlete, funny, well-liked, ) and hurt him in others (lacked focus, forgetful, disorganized). My handsome, wonderful son was also an addict. Whether or not he self-medicated because of the ADHD doesn't matter now. Some of you know what living with an addict is like. I would lie awake waiting for a call from the police or for Max to come in the door. So afraid all the time. Not wanting to think the missing dollars were taken out of my wallet by my son. Or that my missing jewelry was sold to get drugs. Believing the constant lies. Drug-testing. In denial for years and enabling - protecting - my son. Thinking "if only I..." when in fact -- I couldn't change anything. The only thing my husband I and ever fought about was Max. And for years Max manipulated us so we continued to fight and not focus on him. I lived, breathed and planned each day to help Max. Keep him safe. Someone wrote on this site: "My purpose for ten years was to save my son from himself." When I read this statement I burst into tears because that was me. I thought I was saving him from the bad people who sold drugs, the police, his bad friends. But his real enemy was himself.
If I am honest with myself (my stated goal and title of this subject) I have to say there is part of me that does NOT miss the "bad" parts of Max - the lying, stealing, worrying, anxiousness and all of the other bad things I experienced when he was alive. In death, I know Max is safe. At last. I know his struggles are over. He is at peace. And so am I. And that makes me feel so alone to admit this to anyone much less this group of other mothers who might not understand what I am saying. Please don't judge me badly for expressing these thoughts. It's just that for the last year and a half since Max died I have only focused on remembering the wonderul, funny, loveable things about Max. And I'm now ready to also remember these other things about him and put them forth in this discussion. Without being honest about "the best and the worst" about my boy I don't think I can continue moving forward in my grieving process. Thank you for accepting me as Mom who loved her son with her entire being and who realizes he was not perfect. No one is. He did the best he could and that has to be enough. Maybe one of the reasons Max died so young was so I could find a different purpose (other than co-dependency) with my life. This gives me hope.
If I am honest with myself (my stated goal and title of this subject) I have to say there is part of me that does NOT miss the "bad" parts of Max - the lying, stealing, worrying, anxiousness and all of the other bad things I experienced when he was alive. In death, I know Max is safe. At last. I know his struggles are over. He is at peace. And so am I. And that makes me feel so alone to admit this to anyone much less this group of other mothers who might not understand what I am saying. Please don't judge me badly for expressing these thoughts. It's just that for the last year and a half since Max died I have only focused on remembering the wonderul, funny, loveable things about Max. And I'm now ready to also remember these other things about him and put them forth in this discussion. Without being honest about "the best and the worst" about my boy I don't think I can continue moving forward in my grieving process. Thank you for accepting me as Mom who loved her son with her entire being and who realizes he was not perfect. No one is. He did the best he could and that has to be enough. Maybe one of the reasons Max died so young was so I could find a different purpose (other than co-dependency) with my life. This gives me hope.
Max had just been thrown into jail (and out of college) for drugging and had been home again living with us for the month before he died. I'm convinced that he had hit his "low" and knew he did not see himself the same as the people he saw in jail. He was so remorseful when he came home. We had such heartfelt, truthful conversations about his drug use, who he was. Max was so ashamed of himself and could not understand with such a loving family how he could make the choices he had. These conversations gave us the oppotunity to restate our three rules for living under our roof: 1) honesty, 2) being legal 3) being productive. Max committed to following these rules and his Dad and I really believe he turned a corner. For the first time, he agreed to go to drug counselling which he never had before. These frank converstaions gave me the chance to tell him of all the boys on the earth, he was the one I would pick to be my son. I believed in him and loved him. I did not always like the things I did - but as we both cried and held each other I told him I would love him forever. I am so grateful that we had a chance to speak so truthfully to each other before he died.
Although I know that "hate" can lessen the overwhelming and unconditional love we gave to our dearly beloved, I personally think it is the wrong approach. If I were to agree with every post here and say ..well that's just fine if it works for you then I do not believe I am contributing in an honest way at all.
My personal belief, and it is only mine, judging no one, is that we must Always accentuate the Good our dearly departed did in this world, as we are All sinners and weak. Notice how many famous people that were awful "bad" at some point in their lives and usually when they were younger, turned out to be very nice and loving people later on after they slowed down and took the beatings life gave them or overcame the worst of the worst. Many people when they think about these well known personalities almost always and give them a pass, and remember thier positive sides instead,
I don't believe in taking "short cuts" to get rid of my grieving. I will never do that by thinking of the bad parts of the person that died in hopes it will help me better deal with grief. For me, and please understand I said ME, it is a selfish thing. Again, I do not judge others and if that helps them fine. What I am saying is if the grief is so bad and is not getting better, perhaps some people have no recourse but to use this method.
The toughest part is to accentuate the positive only as it makes us grieve even more. Like thinking of the child's first steps or your Mother comforting you as a child when you needed that comfort and loving the most. I would rather think about those beautiful things than any "ugly" episodes one has in their lives with their loved ones. It's a tougher road that way to be sure-at least for me-but it is a road that I personally will follow.
We are all human and who knows why things happen as they do? I'm sure of this though-if I start going down the negative path and finding fault I better than go to the mirror and ask myself very honestly-Did I contribute to these faults I prescribe to others-even in the slightest? If I don't ask then I know that those repressed unconscious thoughts will re-surface some day in a very bad way and I will find that the temporary band aid I had put on for convenience sake on a deep wound earlier has now burst out with more blood pouring out and the wound deeper than ever.
These are my thoughts and beliefs only. Others may disagree, but I am not talking about others directly-and it would be disingenuous of me to say that I am not trying to offer some advice to some indirectly though it may not be heeded or needed. We humans have a tendency to do that and usually for the good and not the bad, and the advice may be wrong and may not work at all or go over well with others. But, if I let this one go on the "Hate Method" I would feel very bad that I did, as I personally do not believe that method or approach will bring about the ultimate closure needed with the grief of a loved one at the end of the day.
WOW YOU'RE A GREAT MOM. My mom doesn't believe in me or love me. I can tell you right now that the first sentence in the quote i copied meant the world to him. There's nothing you could say more to show your love. My mother neve wanted to be an adult or parent and I always thought something was wrong with me. I always thought that there was some reason I wasn't good enough. She and my daddy split up when I was very young and he moved back to his home country. Everyone said how much he adored me and loved me. We didn't have much communication, but I was his youngest and his only girl. I was his little princess. I know he loved me but he's gone now. He's been gone for 5 years.
I love that you were an amazing mother. wow. You loved your son and you let him know. I really think that the world needs more mothers like yourself. Thank you for being a great mom. (:
I also agree. This is a great step in your process and a healthy step too. I'm sorry for your loss but I'm so happy for you taking this step.
I don't think you're taking a "hate" method approach. It's normal to not miss the bad parts. All of those characteristics you stated had to do with his addiction..NOT who he was. I also don't think that you caused or contributed to these bad parts. Yes, you said you enabled but in the end he was on a better path...
I wish you well and I admire you as a griever and as a mother.
(p.s. I'm 18 and was recently diagnosed with ADD too...I wasn't a handful when I was younger by any means; however I did face challenges. It's awesome that you loved your son through everything)
I have a 19 year old daughter and she and I are still trying to figure each other out. That we love each other is no question. But we do go head to head at times and there are days we don't LIKE each other.
I wonder if you sat down with your Mom and spoke as frankly as you did in this discussion whether you and she could get a better understanding of each other. Thjs is just a thought. Have a peaceful day.
I also have a daughter 18 and another son 17.