Hollow,

There are many emotions of grieving. We don't all follow all the schedule of emotions, in the same order, to the same degree, and some of us go so lightly through some emotions we feel like we never experienced them.

One of the emotions in the mix is regret; the regret that we could have done something different. Cancer? Should have tried harder to get them to stop smoking. Car accident? Should have not let them drive in the rain. No passing is without the emotion of regret.

My father died after his hip replacement surgery. Should I have stopped the surgery? Could I have stopped it? Did they mismanage his followup surgery? Should I have pushed for a different schedule? My list goes on and on.

If you really need to delve into this, then perhaps you need to consult with the medical staff who treated your sister.

But beware; there are times when the only thing worse than no answer is an answer.

Please get some professional therapy for this. It will eat you away if you let it, and a trained professional can guide you through your fears much better than we can.

Continuing hugs.

Pepperman,

You are right about no answer being better than an answer. Even my therapist mentioned that her doctors didn't seem to see her situation as serious because all they did was reschedule her doctor appointments. The weekend it it all happened she was supposed to have an appointment that Monday, but it was rescheduled. So she would have gone to the doctor that day and quite possible would have been saved. Mainly she should have gone on her own, but didn't want to have to be admitted to the hospital again.

I don't know if they told her how serious it would be if she drank to much liquids and what to do if that happened. She was supposed to go for a sleep study and I think she just skipped it and I'm not sure they made a big deal about it other than sending another letter.

I just think it was a combination of her drinking to much liquids and then obviously not getting the right medical attention for a couple days, not to mention she wasn't eating or taking her medication. I know, we fucked up seriously. I think back and think knowing her condition, that she had a heart condition you'd think I would have sense enough to run her out to the hospital knowing she had a serious condition, but now, we waited and it just got worse and worse, and her not seeing her doctor normally didn't help things.

I think if a coronor told me she could have been saved had I called for help I'd have to kill myself because I couldn't live with that knowledge. I think a part of me wants to believe she could have been saved but I don't want to the real truth. But I know it we had a big fault in it because she was clearly not well and we just did nothing and it got worse. I don't know how to let it go. I"m just tired of being miserable and pissed off. I'm like 'I'm becoming one of those miserable, always angry people now.

Hollow,

Many years ago I bought some shares of apple stock. It did rather poorly for a long time, so I dumped it when it finally broke even. If I had kept the stock it would be worth almost $200,000 right now.

The point is that events in the past always have a much different perspective once time passes.

Please focus on what your therapist told you, what you told them: that even your sister's doctors did not think she was a serious health risk.

It is a fact of life that our entire history is full of dramatic, important, critical events that could have gone differently when viewed after the fact. Sometimes the possible events would have been better, sometimes they would have been worse.

We can knock ourselves out worrying about what could have been; at some point we have to accept what actually happened.

If Hitler had trusted his generals as much as FDR trusted his, the invasion at Normandy (D-Day) may have failed and the war could have turned out much different.

Penicillin was discovered when a scientist noticed that bacteria would not grow near a particular mold. What if that person had never looked into that stuff?

All of us are here because we have lost somebody. And we can all beat ourselves up for not preventing it. Perhaps I should have pushed my father to lose weight 20 years ago, he might not have needed a hip replacement surgery in the first place. What if I had become a doctor and not an engineer; then I might have been able to specialize in what ever it was the actually killed my dad. There are more "what ifs" than I can possibly resolve.

At some point we need to let go.

I know that if I were the one who passed and my family were beating themselves up the way you are, I would badger God to let me come back in any way I could and tell my family that I don't want them to do that. I would let them know that I want them to move on. I would let them know that I want them to live long lives, and then when they die naturally they can update me on what happened after I passed.

Please, give your sister credit for loving you as much as you love her.

Continuing hugs

Please, give your sister credit for loving you as much as you love her.

That is a very powerful statement Pepperman just made. Hollowheart, know I told you this before but I will tell you again; I have 4 sisters. I am the oldest girl. It would break my heart if my sisters lived with the kind of feelings you described. Your sister was your best friend. She wouldn't blame you and she wouldn't want you to blame yourself. I don't even think she knew how serious her condition was or else she would have insisted on going to the hospital rather than waiting to avoid admittance.

I know our words don't stack up against the pain you feel because you miss her so much and just want her back. I hope in time you feel differently.

8 years ago my Aunt died in her sleep from an accidental Rx drug overdose. She had called my brother as she did everyday because they were exceptionally close. He was on the other line and said he would call her back. She then told her son (my cousin) that she was going to take a nap and if anyone calls take a message but if Pedo (my brother's nickname) calls, then wake me up. As she slept, my brother did call but when my cousin told him he would have to wake her up, my brother said "nah let her sleep, I'll call back later" After a few hours, my cousin went to check on her and that is when e discovered she had passed. For years both he and my brother tortured themselves with the what ifs. What if my brother had taken her first call, what if my cousin had woke her up when Pedo called back? What if he has checked on her sooner? What if he hadn't been so lazy and walked the dog so that she didn't have to? that way she wouldn't have fell and hurt her knee and wouldn't have had to take those pain pills in the first place. Pedo felt he should have talked her out of getting such a big dog because she was a tiny woman and wasn't strong enough to handle him. The list goes on and on and took such a toll on the both of them.

In life really horrible awful things happen and looking back on all the what ifs do little to heal us. It wasn't your fault because you didn't know. None of you knew. Please know that you are not to blame.

Pepperman and Angie, I have to remind myself not to read your messages at work because I am a puddle as I sit here. Your last sentence Pepperman sent me over the edge. *sob* but I think you for your words. Reading them made think of how much I know she cared for me and the horrible, excruciating reality that I can't ever talk to her again and feel how she cared or tell her how I love her so much and need her more than anything right now. I wish I had told her all the time.

Angie, reading your story did remind me there can just about always be a 'What if' or a "I shoulda..." thing going on. I was looking at some Dr. Phil thing and this lady had left her friends front door open and that lady's 2 year old walked out and she accidently ran her over. The other lady said she does not blame her friend for it, but I did wonder if she did. I didn't exactly believer her when she said she didn't. Even if we don't mean to blame someone, we do.

I think the doctors could have done a better job at letter her know what to look out for as far as something very serious. But I also know it was on us to go to a hospital if something was not right. And I only blame myself because once she couldn't tell me yes or no anymore, it was all on me and I did nothing. She knew it was serious and I know it bothered her to have such a condition so young. I know she didn't want to think about it being fatal.

It's just hard to deal with sometimes. I don't mean to sound like a broken record about it. I am really not handling her passing very well.

Your last sentence may be a huge salvation for you. As you think about that please remember that as time passes you will handle it better.

But, yes, it will take time!

Give your future self the opportunity to process all that has happened!

Continuing hugs, and I know you will work through this

MAYBE she would have lived...and maybe not. You made the best decision you could with the information you were presented with at the time.

thanks Koolman,

These horrible thoughts creep in when I don't plan on it and I get stuck back there. I think the "Maybe" and the fact that we didn't give her a fighting chance by calling 911 keep me stuck. I just miss her so much and miss our relationship. Her loss is just to much to bear.

I am so sorry and boy do I understand.... My daughter just passed away a month ago and it is excruciating to think of her last moments for sure. She was type 1 diabetic and 18 and not happy with me. She talked to me one time in a couple months before she died. She called her only other sibling (Heather) the night before she passed and Heather fell asleep while during their conversation but when she woke up, Megan was still on the line.
I got a call from Heather saying "mom, I just got a really strange call from Meg. I think she might of pocket dialed me." Then said that Megan sounded distressed, moaning.. And in the background heard Meg's boyfriend say, "what the f*#k are you crying about?" And then the phone sounded kinda muffled. I instantly felt sick and asked her to get ahold of either of them if possible. Less than 3 hours later I got a call from her BF saying while sobbing "I hate to have to tell you but Megan passed". I am devastated to say the least...

Oh my God, Dedicated. I can't imagine the hysteria and confusion after getting that call. It just leaves you with so many questions. I assume she was on medication for the diabetes. Do you know if she was taking it regularly? That is just so awful. I'm so sorry and I'm also sorry for your other daughter, losing her only sibling. I know what that is like. You are all in my thoughts and prayers this holiday. We're all going through a very rough time this year.

Thank you hollowheart

I had a similar instance with my husband, I was in Chicago taking care of my dads furneral arrangements. While my husband decided to drink alot is what I knew at that time and go over to the neighbors house and pass out over there. They were buddies. The neighbor called me really early and said Ken isn't waking up. Well he's done that before multiple times. So I made the call just let him sleep there. The neighbor said he would be back in the early afternoon. I tried calling Ken all day. He wasn't answering the phone. So by the time the neighbor got there he was dead. A couple hours later than he said he would get back there. So ya I could of probably saved my husband by telling the neighbor ya call the ambulance now. I really have a guilt too. I found out he was also doing herion and coke too. So who knows if the medical people could of brought him back or not. I knew that the neighbor and my husband might of been doing other things then drinking. I didn't want anyone to get in trouble with the law. But now I'm suffering should of called or let it play out like it did. I know your struggle. We cannot do anything about it now. So now we have to try to forgive ourselves not knowing what to do at that particular time we are human. We do make mistakes. I'm hear to vent to. Take care, hugs, Donna