On January 22nd,2011 it was 20 months that I lost my Brad.He was the love of my life and it all went wrong.Brad began to have problems and he got to be very abusive.He treated me terrible and i believe that he wanted to hurt me but in the end Brad hurt himself.Brad simply did not want to live anymore and he chose to end his life.I found his body and it was the most traumatic event of my life next to the death of my father.Brad was dead when I found him and i cradled him in my arms for 10 minutes.I knew he was dead and all of the months that has followed it was the wonderful support of Anointed ,Old Biker and others who have given me strength.Now I am at the final stage of grieving.I still cry every day.The pain and the isolation of a suicide and the stigma will always remain,but I have accepted Brads death.I am finding out things about Brad that he kept from me.You see he was having a double life.This is somthing that is always on these talk shows and you think it isnt going to happen to you.But when it does,it throws you like a zinger and when they say on talk shows that there is help available..I want to know what help?People look at you strange and a lot of people in seattle think all of this was my fault.It wasnt my fault and i want them to know it.You cant stop people from taking their lives.If they are that miserable and you cant stop it,what could i Have done? A councilor told me that I could have done a intervention,But if you see the cable series..Intervention all i do...some of them relapse after the treament and some of them resent it.I couldnt do this to Brad.A judge ruled after involuntary confinement recently.He ruled that was against a persons civil rights.He argued that the family wanted that was best,but sometimes what a family isnt what a person wants and they will resent you more.I couldnt let Brads resent smoulder.It was turning into sheer hatred.And I did not want to end up a domestic violence victim.A police officer here recently killed his in laws,wife and himself.This is all he talked About and this shouldnt have been anyway.Brads death has made me aware that men change in a relationship.Brad wanted me to be everything for him and I couldnt be this.No person today is that wonderful and thoughtful and someone who is always there.I couldnt be this person.I tried and I failed.I failed to help Brad.I couldnt see his depression.I couldnt sense his despair.All i know is that Meth changes you and i couldnt pick up the signs.There are signs and signals of drug abuse and meth and i couldnt see them.I have accepted Brad death.I have accepted thefact that he is no longer here and I have accepted that i will never see him again and no matter what I still love him and he was the love of my life and sometimes love doesnt always work out and I found this out.There was a song in the 1970s by the J.Geils Band.It was called Love Sucks and these my feelings now.Love is nice but sometimes it hurts and it cant be repaired again.vader.