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Hi I'm not sure but I just want to vent alittle I hope you don't mind.
I was 11 when this happend I was in trouble with my mom that day I told her that I hated her and I wished that she would die. So she made me stay home while Her, Dad, Sebastian (my twin brother), and Nicolette (little sister 9yrs old) went to go get pizza. I was still mad at her when I saw the car come back down the road 20 minutes later. I still remember how I had this plan that I would grab a few slices and storm off to mm room in a dramtic fashion... I never got the chance. Out of nowhere a car that was speeding and zig zagging down the rode collided into my families car... my aunt told me that my mom and Nicolette died first then Dad. Sebastian was the only one who managed to survive this and was taken to the hospital. Doctors said he had a good chance but then things turned bad and he was reliant on life support, the only time I left his side was for my Parents and little sisters funerals and wake. A week later I was told that Sebastian was a vegtable and there was no chance of him waking up my relatives gave me the the desition on my brothers fate. It was the most difficult desition I ever made .... we pulled the plug. I hate myself to this day for that . My daughter is 10 years old and my fear is what if I leave her I don't want to die on her and have her go through my hell.
I was 11 when this happend I was in trouble with my mom that day I told her that I hated her and I wished that she would die. So she made me stay home while Her, Dad, Sebastian (my twin brother), and Nicolette (little sister 9yrs old) went to go get pizza. I was still mad at her when I saw the car come back down the road 20 minutes later. I still remember how I had this plan that I would grab a few slices and storm off to mm room in a dramtic fashion... I never got the chance. Out of nowhere a car that was speeding and zig zagging down the rode collided into my families car... my aunt told me that my mom and Nicolette died first then Dad. Sebastian was the only one who managed to survive this and was taken to the hospital. Doctors said he had a good chance but then things turned bad and he was reliant on life support, the only time I left his side was for my Parents and little sisters funerals and wake. A week later I was told that Sebastian was a vegtable and there was no chance of him waking up my relatives gave me the the desition on my brothers fate. It was the most difficult desition I ever made .... we pulled the plug. I hate myself to this day for that . My daughter is 10 years old and my fear is what if I leave her I don't want to die on her and have her go through my hell.
My Father died in May 2007 from COPD. I told him about a year and a half before he died that I wished he was dead. I had a lot of anger issues with him for several years and I thought if he was dead that the anger would just poof go away. Well... it didn't work that way. I learned very quickly that anger doesn't just vanish just because the one we're angry with dies. It's still taking time, but I am learning to deal with the anger and release it other ways that are more constructive and I am learning how to not be such an angry person anymore. I did Love my Dad. He was my Dad afterall and the only Dad I would have in life. I didn't really want him to die. I apologized to Dad for telling him that and explained that I was just angry and that I didn't really want him dead. I really think he forgave me for that too. I really believe he did.
I went to Grief Support for a year and a half after Dad died. I believe it was the best thing I could have done for myself. For the first time I was taught coping skills and learned that there is not right and wrong way to grieve.
We all say things when we're angry and I have since learned how to forgive myself for telling Dad that. I hope you can learn to forgive yourself too. I am sure that your Mom didn't really take you seriously and I am sure she forgave you for saying that. It seems like you need to just forgive yourself for what you said and I believe you will be more at peace with yourself. Easier said than done, I know. Zyandra is right... we all care about each other here on DS... and we care about you too !