There is a whole lot of reluctance to find a new normal, I think in part because we think if we do go on living and changing that somehow that means we leave them behind. When people use the term "move on" it really doesn't help someone that is grieving.

The actual fact is we will go on, we will move forward, and the more you live, the less you hang onto the bad memories and the more you are able to remember the good memories. It seems paradoxical, but basically if you let go of the pain you make room for the warm comfort of good memories.

I have know a lot of people over the years who did not want to let go of the pain, and did not want to face the reality of their loss, thinking that if they did that theywould lose the last bit of the one they lost. That is not true. What actually happens is that you find all the ways that they are still with you - all the things you do that they taught you, all the good memories, and many find that the signs they hoped for and the dream images they hoped for come after they have relinquished the pain.

I have lost both my parents and my late husband's parents, and my husband. They are all a part of me and will always be so. I remember their lives now much more so than their deaths, their illnesses, etc. I am able to be grateful they were in my life instead of angry that they died. It wasn't easy getting to this point, but it can be done.

Don't give up. It will get easier, and there will come a time when you won't hate having a new normal.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Learning to live without the phsyical presence of the person who has passed is a part of developing this new normal. Handle only as much as you can, especially as your loss is very recent. I have been depressed for almost three years. THe annivasary of my mother's death is on Sept 25. It has been very difficult to adjust to her being gone. I still want to pick up my phone and call her for advice. But, I became the matriarch of my family with her death. This is my new normal. I am still adjusting. Take all the time you need, including any thoughts that make getting up for the day easier for you. Over time, things will be easier, good memories are the treasure we find unexpectedly as our new normal begins each day. I wish you peace.

For me, finding a new normal has been finding a new delight, in the form of 3 new kids born into the family. When I'm playing with those crazy kids, laughing up a storm, any pain from the past death of my brother completely vanishes. Makes me think a part of my brother's spirit lives on in the new little ones.

I feel a bit like you in that I cannot accept the death of my son. I read somewhere that acceptance is the first step toward healing. That for me is becoming a major effort and one I am not doing too well at, our son has been gone for close to 4 months and I still struggle and go into deep depression when I think about him never coming home again. Maybe, as Martha said, in time we do begin to think of all the good and positive things our loved ones brought to our lives. Maybe in time we will be ok with the new normal but I just think that it will take a long time for that to happen. But our new normal life will also always have some sadness that was not there before. Just be kind to yourself and take it slow. There is no one way to go through the grieving process and there is no set time for it to be over or to "move on".
Hugs
Maryjo

Remember that our loved ones have been promoted to a new phase; eternal life. So we must enter a new phase in our own live here on earth until we reach them again.

That's right, vck. And that doesn't mean OUR lives have to suck. We have to honor their eternal memories by living life HERE to the fullest! Continue to live and love, ferociously! I don't want a "normal" life. I want an extraordinary life! For me, that means living it up and being a bit crazy!

There definitely has to be a "new normal" I grieved terribly when my mother died for a number of reasons for about 2 years before I even began to feel remotely ok. The fact is in my opinion that we have had an emotional amputation. It's akin to losing an arm or a leg excepting it's not physical it's an emotional piece of you integral to your well being and you just can't get that part back because they are no longer here and you can't really replace people like that. That isn't to say you can't ever be happy or well again because you can but it will be different because you'll be different. But I guess that's just what life is about, changing, mutating, rolling with the punches and trying to keep up with the changes and finding ways to feel good about them or at least being accepting of them while remaining functional in a very fluid non-static world.......which for me was probably very hard because I've never been good with change. It's never excited me like some people find change exciting.

Hey Ziggzag,
Love your analogy about an amputation. It is just what I felt the moment I heard my mother had died. Just like with losing a limb, it takes a long time to re-learn how to go on without the limb, or in our case, without our mothers. It will be three years on Sept 25 that I lost my Mom. I am beginning to come out of the depression I have been in since she died. An amputation....HMMM! Makes complete sense. Thank you

It is really helpful reading all of your replies. The support and understanding here is incredible. Martha makes a great point about remembering the good memories of our loved one instead of being angry about their loss, which I admit I am still mad as hell at her doctors for not doing more. I suppose I'm going through the gamut of emotions and I'll just have to accept it's part of the process and allow myself to feel those things. As of right now, I don't want to face a new normal but eventually I know I will have to.

zigzzags65 does make a great comparison with emotional amputation. The loss is huge and it feels like I can't function properly without her. I don't feel motivated to do anything. It's like who cares or what's the point of anything? I know..it's sad..but hopefully in time I'll feel differently. My mom was my life and I never thought she would go the way she did. Sometimes I think maybe one night I'll go to sleep and if I don't wake up again then that's fine. But when I open my eyes and see I'm still here, I force myself up and out of bed because I know God still wants me to go on and continue His work. I guess my faith is what's saving me and that I owe to my mom.

i would like to reply.My name is vader.I am 66 years old and old enough to be your grandmother.I found your post so good and so interesting..but I since Brad died 5 years ago...It has been hard on me.YOu see I really miss him and I have been told that this is so wronfg.The minister told me to let go and I dont know what he means.I realize now that if Brd had lived and his secret life that he had he would not have been with me.This is hard for me to accept.I did not know that he had a police record..You see he was always home and we were always together.I have lost a great deal of people since 1995 and the effect on me has not been good.I miss everyone of them,.but I am so happy that they were in my life and I beleive that they are in a better place and I hope to see them all again and I hope that the rest of my shows their example on me.Thanks for listeningVader.

It's true, zigzag. It's a HEART AND SOUL amputation. When we lose someone we loved dearly, were extremely close to and willingly invested a lot of time and emotional energy into, when they die, a big part of us dies too! Therefore, when we grieve for the loss of the one who passed, we're also grieving for the loss of the best, most loving part of ourselves, which is gone, or seems to be, until it is stimulated by someone else.

If anyone is interested, it was in C.S.Lewis' book that the writer of the Foreword wrote that

"The death of a beloved is an amputation." - M. L'Engle

Lewis' book is a helpful read. A grief observed.

I lost both my parents within a month in June and July. The new normal takes time but I find that some of my friends are uncomfortable with me not moving on,