Hi,
This is my first post. I just joined this morning. Why I am here- For the last 26 years, I have been married to a beautiful man who has been my everything. We have a 25 year old son who just got married, bought the house next door to us and is expecting his first child, a little girl (Molly) in October. My husband and I have always liked to say that we live a happy, boring, uneventful, perfectly imperfect life. Up until recently my 47 year old husband has been in great health. About 2 months ago, my husband had a cold which caused him to cough pretty strongly for about 2 days. He woke up not being able to see out of his right eye and after a few days of this, he went to see an eye doctor. The eye doctor thought that he had torn his retina from coughing and prescribed steroids to which my husband had an adverse reaction to. It has all been downhill from there. He became sicker and sicker until a couple of weeks ago we found out he has a malignant tumor in his pancrease. Then last Thursday he had a seizure and was hospitalized over the weekend. While in the hospital we were told that the cancer is pretty much everywhere in his body, including his brain. The doctors told us it incurable but they went ahead and started radiation and are trying to find out where the cancer originated so that they can try chemo, too. In addition to the oncologists that are currently treating him we have been blessed to have a friend of the family who was also an md in oncology but now practices mostly holistic medicine. He is adamant that he can help my husband but only if my husband were to follow a strict regimin of supplements and organic foods. The problem is that my husband hates to eat healthy and will not eat this food and he absolutely hates to take pills so he won't take most of the supplements, either. Even though my husband is in pain most of the day he refuses to take his pain pills until it becomes unbearable. In addition to this the steroids that he has been given for the radiation change his personality and he spends a great amount of his time screaming at me and calling me names. I feel that this person that wears his clothes and sleeps in his bed is no longer my husband. Even though I hate what this has done to his personality, it is far better to see him like this instead of seeing him scared, crying and devastated at the thought of leaving his family, whom he has always loved so dearly. I feel completely helpless because although I have tried everything humanly possible to help him, because he won't help himself, I am just sitting by and watching him fade away a little more each day. Before he started any sort of treatment, he repeatedly begged me not to let him give up and I feel that at this point my hands are tied because he won't help himself. None of this makes any sense to me. I just don't understand how people are able to deal with this sort of situation. It's like your whole world as you know it has been completely ripped out from under you and yet the outside world just keeps spinning and there are still bills to be paid, laundry to be done, etc. The only thing that has been helping somewhat is that I have been reading other people's stories and it helps me to step outside of my reality and I am able to see that there are many, many people that are going through similar situations, too. I just don't even feel like me anymore. I have always been a mostly cheerful, upbeat person and my favorite sayings have always been, "things happen for a reason" and "everything ends up working out". I can't even believe my own words anymore I honestly don't think that I will be ever to really smile again or feel any deep joy in my heart ever again. Feeling heartbroken. Love and blessings to all, especially allt those who are experiencing pain......