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Once, shortly after he died, I fell back into my depressive state. I was dreaming, I think, when I saw him. I say I think because it seemed like it happened for real, like a ghost or something. But he touched me and told me everything was going to be all right. When I woke up, I truly believed it.
Last week in the dream not only was he still frail and sick, but I dreamt that he was having a heart attack as he laid in my arms. Its absolutely horrible. I just feel so haunted by such heart wretching images...from both my dreams and from the actual experience.
I just wish I could remember him healthy, happy and alive!
Part of me wants to dream about him, part of me dreads it. We had no time for any good byes.