First of all I am sorry for your loss. Losses this close to the holidays can be extra hard, but somehow we get through them.

I can relate: I lost my only sibling in August of 2011, my mother in August of 2014 and my father in August of this year. (My birthday is in August, so you can pretty much guess I'll be in a bad way next August.)

I have a very good wife, and 2 grown children (a boy and a girl). My wife has had a very hard time wrapping her head around the fact that I have lost the family I was born into. (Well, my sister is younger, but you get the idea.)

I've tried telling her that there is this hole in my present and future that was not there in my past. I think she understands the words, but not the sentence.

My wife has told me that it hurts her when I focus on this, and forget that I have an entire other part of my family, the family that she and I brought into the world. She was also close to my parents.

For me the trick is to bring things into balance. Yes, I have lost my 'birth family', but I still have my 'married family'.

I can't really honor your request about "better" and "time", but I won't write the words. I will say that there is a gauge I use of how things are going. There are times when I experience something that I know dad would have liked; sometimes I am sad because it reminds me that he is gone, other times I can smile and think that dad would have liked that.

I'm not going to lie to you, the sad response is the dominant reaction, but as time passes the smiles come more often.

My wife lost her father more than 25 years ago, but she is mostly in the smile stage (ie dad would have liked that) but even she still has days where she is sad and angry about losing her father.

As for the facebook thing, I'm sorry about that. I pretty much figure that facebooks pages belong to "the next of kin" which in your mom's case was her husband, your step dad. My parents did not have facebook pages, or any social media stuff other than email. So there was nothing really for me to worry about when mom died, same thing for when dad died.

I think that the path for each of us is different, but the basic steps are the same: be aware of our emotions, deal with them as they come up, learn the triggers of our emotions and deal with those triggers.

And learn that we need to work at putting some of the emotions either behind us, or work to diminish them.

Gentle hugs, keep grieving, because that is how we get through this.

I'm sorry about your mom, bestshot. It is tragic and the horrible truth is that it doesn't get better with time. I don't like telling people that because I dont' like to think about that myself. I think that it takes a very long time before you start to feel like you can get a handle on things.

I feel like when people say 'It will get better in time' they are thinking a few months, because that is when they expect you to be yourself again. It's amazing how we can have people in our lives and still feel alone. When you said you lost your dad but was not close to him, I believe I would have felt the same way. And I hate to say it, but I wished it had been him instead of my sister. My grieving would not be like this if it was.
I am just heartbroken for you because I know that pain. December is supposed to be bring us joy and happiness and things to look forward too. My birthday is also in december and my sister was the only one who made a big deal and we'd go out and do something. Holidays take on a whole new meaning when you suddenly can't do what you used to do, but everyone all around you is still merrily going on with their traditions. I'm glad your husband is pretty supportive. I wish I had more words for you, but I'm slowly dying inside myself. Take care and please come here to vent. At least it's something.

Bestshot I offer my deepest condolences. I am speaking to you as someone who is in the same position as your husband. My mother-in-law passed in January and my fiance kept telling me how lost and alone he felt. Back when I didn't know any better, I took it personally because I felt that if I am here with him every day, how can he feel alone? He always tells me that I don't get it and I won't understand how messed up he is until i experience it. Nowadays while he is feeling alone, I am feeling abandoned. It's really selfish of me, I know but it is so hard to watch someone you love so much go through so much pain and not be able to do anything about it. Or to watch that person slowly morph into someone you don't recognize. Someone who rejects you and even resents you.

It's painful when your life partner completely withdraws from you during a time where you expect them to lean on you for strength and support.You want to say something, anything to comfort them but can't find the words and I fear that whatever words do come will be the wrong ones so you sit in silence with him hoping its enough but knowing in your heart it is not.

Please know that even though your husband's grief is nowhere near your level, he is still grieving. He is feeling your pain. He wants to help but may not know how. Some moments he will lose patience and wonder how long before you are back to your old self. He may be confused by the wide range of emotions and mood swings. He may feel helpless and useless. But know that even if he doesn't "get it" he gets you and he hurts when you hurt.

This is something that can really take a toll on your relationship. It will be incredibly difficult but please have a little patience with him and forgive his ignorance. His intentions are good and he really means well. (((hugs)))

1Angie,
It's so difficult on both ends, even though, yes, it's much harder for the person with the loss. I admit to resentment now in seeing siblings. I hate seeing the word sister now that I don't have one anymore.

What you are going through with your husband is something I fear for myself--the fear of losing yourself. I know that I have changed and am constantly sad and miserable. My sister is always in my thoughts, I can't sleep, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere anymore, I have no motivation. All I want is what I can't have, so for that matter I feel like no one can do anything to help me.

But the one thing I do feel that has helped me are people that have acknowledged my loss and pain and have avoided those cliches. Just about all my friends but one have made cliche comments to me and they made me feel worse, especially comments about 'staying strong' and 'it was her time' oh my God, how was it her time in her 40's? But I digress.

Anyway, you can tell your husband 'No, I don't understand what it's like, but you can tell me what it's like for you and how mad or sad you are or if you just need to vent. For a long time grievers need to be selfish and the only thing on our minds is our own loss, so we can't and also don't want to think or talk about anything else. Especially early on. So when people pop up and want to talk about some goofy random woman they saw in Walmart or how they tripped on the sidewalk or some cool car they saw that morning, it' s like 'uhh, I don't care.' They think they are doing us a favor by distracting us. No. it doesn't work.

Wow, HollowHeart, you are giving me so much insight right now. I am absolutely guilty of having used cliche's. Not with hubby but with others. The reality is that there really are no words to say so we reach for the cookie-cutter stuff we've heard on TV. Thinking we are helping and not knowing we are really adding to the hurt.

In the beginning I would try to distract him because in my ignorant mind I thought it was bad for him to dwell on his loss every minute of every day. I didn't realize that what he did in fact need that space to grieve. For the outsider it is just so painful to watch you just want to do something to take the pain away. It took me a long time to accept that I just can't. He lost his mom. How can anyone ever fill that void?

You sound so much like my fiance which is why I feel such a connection to your story. I am realizing all the mistakes I made in efforts to help. The thing about death is that we are not really taught how to deal with it. Its so horrible to think about we avoid it altogether until we can't . Then we are forced to just wing it and we have no idea what we are doing from either side of it.

Your loss is still so new so the feeling of constant sadness is normal. You built this wonderful, unique relationship over a lifetime and you lost it suddenly. You don't just get over that. Grieving is a long process that is measured by the love you had.

I worry about you feeling guilty. While this is a normal human response, I wish you wouldn't carry that on top of your sadness. You loved your sister. No one here can deny that. You would never ever put her in harms way. You did the best you could with the information you had. I hope in time you forgive yourself.

Angie,
You know these are things I have learned since my horrendous loss. I met a woman online that I became friendly with. We talked online a lot but never met. Her son committed suicide and I called her and talked a couple of times, sent her a few cards, but gradually we lost touch and she disappeared off facebook for a long time. I thought about her recently and thought, 'this is the kind of pain she has been in for years' and I felt bad that I didn't keep in touch with her.

I know we can't always stay on top of every single person we know who has ever had a loss, our own lives/problems get in the way, but it does put in perspective how we do react to those people and what we say in the beginning.

You are right we are not taught or prepared for death. Society gives us "appropriate" time up to the funeral, then afterward we're supposed to "Be OK". You can't 'cheer someone up' when someone very important to them dies, it's not like they lost their favorite umbrella. It's terrible these cliches exist. I had a friend mention the one about "God needed her more' or something. I'm like 'oh Lord, did she really say that?"

You're not wrong for not wanting him to be sad. That's a natural reaction to people we love, we don't want to see them crying or hurting. What we forget is this is a permanent loss by death. I had someone suggest I go for a walk. Yep, that will make it all better! Sometimes we just need to be sad and get it out.

I don't know if I will ever let go of that guilt Angie. I let her lay there until she died and then I rush and call 911. She was counting on us to do the right thing and help her when she couldn't help herself and we failed her. Deep in my heart I believe she could have lived. I know she could have lived had she gotten medical attention in time. Not giving her a chance will haunt me to my grave. I just miss her so much.

Dear Bestshot,

It's grief that you're facing, not stress. Feeling sick in your stomach, not wanting to celebrate occasions...all signs of mourning. It is perfectly okay to not celebrate Christmas for a year sweetheart, please don't sweat it.

I too lost my mom, almost 6 years back. Being her shadow and best friend, I didn't know how to go on with my life. The most important piece of advice that I can give you is to "let it be". Please keep speaking about your mother on this lovely forum, discuss your challenges and milestones. There will be "firsts" and then one day, you will suddenly find not counting the days and hours to the time you lost your mom.

Please do not care about how others are coping or doing. You are the most important person and you need to take care of yourself first. Take one day at a time and do one good thing for yourself every week, which could be anything - going out for a quiet dinner, taking a spa, buying a good book, absolutely anything that makes you feel a little better. Try to not feel guilty about it.

Laugh often, fake it if you have to. The real smile will come in time. Please trust me, it gets better, even if you don't feel it right now.

Take care, hugs to you
Jhelum