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Well it's 21 1/2 years since my gran died, and i still miss her everyday.
She was more of a mum to me than my mum is. She was the one I always turned to for help and advice when things were getting tough. I was only 15 when she died. She died the night before i sat my first exam. Remember walking into school with another girl and a teacher the next morning and the girl was moaning she had been up all night with her baby sister crying and I just said well i've been up all night crying as my Gran died at midnight. Teacher was great, got me concessions for my exams, sorted it out so i sat near the door and could leave as soon as i'd finished rather than sitting there thinking.
Still when things go wrong, need advice or anything happens, wish she was here to help me. These last 6 years have been tough, with coming out and my family not accepting me for who I am. Just kept wondering whether Gran would have accepted me if she was here. She would be over 100 if she was still alive now.
Out of the two Gran's I had, I always got on best with her, kept finding myself even now wishing it was the other way around, that my other gran had died first.
At my Civil Partnership Ceremony back in March, I just kept wishing she was there and wondering how she would of been about it all. i would like to think that she would have accepted my wife with open arms, but i don't know, if her daughter (my mum) had issues maybe Gran would have.
Still now when feeling down, having bad time with my depression i wish she was here for me to talk to.
Sometimes when i'm having a particular black day and want to die, that night I dream I see her, it's always a similar dream. Gran standing on this hill and me walking towards her, she shows me some of my other relatives that have passed on, shows me she is happy and then tells me it's not time, then the dream ends. Since my beloved Ben (Golden Lab) died in 1997 i've been seeing him in the dreams.
Christmas is coming and i'm dreading it. Miss her like crazy still, does the feeling ever go away?
She was more of a mum to me than my mum is. She was the one I always turned to for help and advice when things were getting tough. I was only 15 when she died. She died the night before i sat my first exam. Remember walking into school with another girl and a teacher the next morning and the girl was moaning she had been up all night with her baby sister crying and I just said well i've been up all night crying as my Gran died at midnight. Teacher was great, got me concessions for my exams, sorted it out so i sat near the door and could leave as soon as i'd finished rather than sitting there thinking.
Still when things go wrong, need advice or anything happens, wish she was here to help me. These last 6 years have been tough, with coming out and my family not accepting me for who I am. Just kept wondering whether Gran would have accepted me if she was here. She would be over 100 if she was still alive now.
Out of the two Gran's I had, I always got on best with her, kept finding myself even now wishing it was the other way around, that my other gran had died first.
At my Civil Partnership Ceremony back in March, I just kept wishing she was there and wondering how she would of been about it all. i would like to think that she would have accepted my wife with open arms, but i don't know, if her daughter (my mum) had issues maybe Gran would have.
Still now when feeling down, having bad time with my depression i wish she was here for me to talk to.
Sometimes when i'm having a particular black day and want to die, that night I dream I see her, it's always a similar dream. Gran standing on this hill and me walking towards her, she shows me some of my other relatives that have passed on, shows me she is happy and then tells me it's not time, then the dream ends. Since my beloved Ben (Golden Lab) died in 1997 i've been seeing him in the dreams.
Christmas is coming and i'm dreading it. Miss her like crazy still, does the feeling ever go away?
I think she's trying to tell you to make peace with her passing, with your moms' negativity, and with your life in general.
Did you ever see the Wizard of Oz? Dorothy had been trying to get home for a very long time, and couldn't seem to do it. She finally called out to the "good witch" to help her. The good witch told her that she could have gone home any time she wanted to. All she needed was inside her already. She just had to think good thoughts, and make it happen.
You have a lot of good memories of your gran, and that dream is so positive and peaceful. It maybe time to let go of the pain and hurt, and move into a more peaceful place, the life we all have to create for ourselves.
Huggs,
Rainbowmama